FALLING UPWARD

Budget Woes: Is Vacation a Necessity?

2012-01-17T01:13:00.000-08:00

With the start of another year, many are reflecting on personal and familial habits that may need to be re-examined. For families, the top slot on this list is often the family budget.

The budget tends to burst at the seams comes January. December can bring, “It’s a little much, but it’s such a perfect gift for ----,” and, “We can’t stick to the grocery budget, it’s the holidays and we’ve got things to bake/cook and memories to make.”

Every January we sit down with the budget and cut the fat. It’s not that difficult of a job. We know what we’re comfortable spending in each category and it’s easy to see where we are falling short. We look at the numbers and plan out the next year for our family. We think about each month and what our needs will be and everything runs smoothly - until we get to the summer months and one budget category jumps out.

That category: Vacation.

Should we take a family vacation?

No matter how much (or little) money there is, we’re frugal. It’s just how we live. What we have we save because we know there’ll be a time of need. There are student loans that could be paid or a home that could be saved for. Do we spend a large chunk of money over the course of one week in the summer?

The answer for this family is a resounding YES! For us, a vacation is a necessity and something that needs to be budgeted into our lives.

A few years ago my husband, who struggles with a chronic health issue, had a complication after a surgery and I had to rush him to the hospital. There was a serious question as to if he would live or die. I called a few friends to sit and pray with me as the doctors worked and I waited. During that time I didn’t think of our budget, the student loans or if I’d gone over on cell phone minutes. Instead, I was haunted by something my husband had recently shared with me,

“My favorite thing in this world is when we’re traveling and you all fall asleep in the van. I love to drive my sleeping family.”

This memory was interrupted when the doctors came to tell me they had found the problem and that my husband would make it. My friends smiled and looked at me for tears or leaps of joy.

There were tears, but the only thing I could think of to say was:

“I want to go on vacation for our anniversary.”

Our favorite things are important, especially if they help bond us as a family unit. For us, it's vacations. They are the thoughts that haunt us when we are reminded that this life is temporary and they are the first memories of our very young children.

There is something to be said about cramming five people into a mini-van and living out of a cooler for five days every summer – if it’s done together.

We’re not millionaires over here, so vacations mean other sacrifices throughout the year. We can do vacation on a dime. My husband and I even play “fun games and challenges” to help ensure vacation is possible for our family. You can make dinner for five out of a cooler for consecutive nights and those “free weekend if you take our timeshare tour” trips are actually really fun - and they serve lunch.

Taking his three daughters to Disney World is my husband’s dream. Old age isn’t likely for him, so I’m determined to make it happen sooner rather than later. We even have a code phrase for the dream in our home. “Someday, when we go to the Mouse’s House” we say as we dream while attempting to not tip off the children. It’s a bit early to share our dream with them. We’ll wait until the vacation category in the budget can grow. Until that time, vacation will always have a place in our budget, even if it is a small one.

Does your family have a “Mouse’s House” dream vacation? Does your family have a favorite vacation spot you want to recommend?

Vacation: taking time to climb rocks

Mind your Own Motherhood

2012-01-12T11:30:00.000-08:00

If there’s one thing we have as women, its opinions. I’d like to issue a friendly reminder to Catholic wives and mothers that personal opinions on motherhood and issues of morality are two different things.

In other words: mind your own motherhood!

A holy mother has many faces, friends. She may wear different hats. They may be hats you don’t think look good on her.

A holy mother may not breastfeed, use cloth diapers or co-sleep. Or she may. A holy mother may make the baby cry it out. Or not. She may send six kids to public school or stay home full-time and home school one.

There are some popular phrases that some women have been using as weapons on fellow mothers:

“We are the first and primary educators of our children” is slug like mud at mothers who send children to school.

We are the first and primary educators of our children. Education is an important and private discernment process where God may reveal his will in differing ways.

“I could NEVER leave MY kids,” is casually said to mothers who leave the home for work, implying they love their children less than mothers who stay home.

That mother may not be able to leave her kids because she may be called to be home. This does not make her calling superior or her children “better off” then those of a mother who leaves.

I’ve recently been noticing an elitist attitude from stay-at-home (and some school-at -home) mothers in my life and in the media and blog world.

It is only “acceptable” for a mother to be called to work outside of the home if it is financially necessary for her family. When that time passes she can go home, where she “should” be.

Mother’s who leave the home to work even though she doesn’t need to financially may indeed be called to a mission in the world in addition to her vocation at home.

A holy mother may set her college degrees aside and stay home with her children full-time. She may make her husband lunch and have dinner ready when he returns home. A holy mother may have a husband who does laundry and cleans the kitchen.

A holy mother may work outside the home – whether or not her family needs the money.

A holy mother discerns her life putting her vocation as wife and mother first. Her discernment is between herself, her husband and the Lord. A holy mother will do so with a formed conscience. What she is called to is divinely perfect.

Who are we to question how and why God calls anyone, mother or not?

Our thoughts of each other are so disordered they’ve been exploited and are used as entertainment in the blogs and media sources.

Stop it! We’re making Christian motherhood look bad – as if we can’t handle our vocation. It’s embarrassing and shameful.

Mind your own motherhood.

Let’s stop tearing each other down and looking down our noses at those God has called to our same vocation. We’ve got the same goal, friends! Let’s serve each other in the absence of judgment with encouragement and support so we can best serve our vocations.

Mind your own motherhood. I’ll try to do the same.

Mama and bottle-fed baby

Are You a "Santa Family?"

2011-12-06T01:33:00.000-08:00

We’re a “Santa” family. I understand the reasons behind some families choice to keep Santa out of their Christmas celebrations, but for us, it’s important to include him.

There is beauty in the “magic” of Santa. In the innocence in the heart of a child that can believe a man can make it around the world in just one night, solely to bless the lives of children everywhere. The story is appreciated and loved because of its wonder, sans the syndical and bitter questioning that sneaks its way into our hearts with age.

We use the Santa story to teach our children about the unconditional love that can be found in a gift that is given out of love, not earned like a sticker on a responsibility chart. Once a year, for just a few years, they will wake with the type of anticipation that only lives within a child. They’ll know that awaiting them under the Christmas tree decorated with holy cards will be humble presents, right next to the manger that’s present all through Advent. The gifts won’t be there because they have earned them or they deserve them, just because they are loved - similar to the baby Jesus who will be placed in the manger that sits under that Christmas tree.

Accepting unconditional love and unearned reward may be difficult later in their lives depending on their temperament. The “Santa years” are great practice for them to accept that they are loved just because. They are loved by us, by each other and ultimately, by Christ. They did nothing to earn this love, can do nothing to lose the love and need only accept it – like a gift on Christmas morning.

There is no “naughty” or “nice” list and Santa works in his workshop year-round making toys for boys and girls because St. Nicholas inspired him to be loving and kind to children out of the goodness of his heart.

There is no danger of our children learning one day about Santa and drawing a parallel to Christ - thus dismissing the resurrection as a fable, myth or moral story. We talk about Santa from December 7th to December 25th every year. We talk about the baby Jesus everyday.

My biggest concern that comes along with being a “Santa family” is not a spiritual one. We’ve got three daughters in this home. Teaching them to sit on an old man’s lap, tell him their secret desires and then take candy from him doesn't really coincide with what we generally teach our daughters about strange, odd looking older men! Then, on Christmas Eve, we’ll celebrate Jesus’ birthday and while we are sleeping he’ll sneak into our home and we’ll leave him a snack? It is rather amusing when you think about the details.

Seems my girls feel the same way, judging from the Santa pictures we’ve taken the past few years.

A blessed feast of St. Nicholas! May his goodness and generosity inspire our Advent and Christmas season in whatever way is best for our families.

Gold chocolate coins, an ornament to celebrate the year in the life of our family and a new book of stories of the Saints have appeared on our fireplace! 3 little gals are going to be so blessed by St. Nicholas' visit in the morning.

Take Cover! Christmas Bells are Ringin’

2011-10-19T17:26:00.000-07:00

The only people who think about Christmas in October are St. Nicholas, people who work in retail and sprinkle Halloween in one aisle and Christmas in the next and, of course, moms.

Although fall is by far my favorite season, a tiny bit of my autumn joy has been stolen since I got married and had kids. My fall to-do list has multiplied since becoming a mom. “Check out new fall TV line-ups” has now been replaced with less “fun” chores.

These tasks are dreaded all year by most moms I know. They include:

The “whose family are we going to for what holiday so everyone we’re related to can be happy and we can be miserable” traditional seasonal fight with your husband:

To be fair, we’ve got the cutest daughters in the world. Unfortunately, they are the only grandchildren in both mine and my husband’s family. So, we’re in high demand. And, of course, by ‘we’ I clearly mean the children. It’s very common for my husband and I to stay up all night packing everything we own so we can crisscross the state through a snow storm in the middle of the night with screaming children. We do this only to arrive at our destination and have our children snatched from our hands and swooned over while we collapse onto the couch without so much as a hello. Once we’re acknowledged it is with a well-meaning “You look awful. You really need to take better care of yourselves. You should get more rest.”

All this is done, of course, so that we can spend the night (if five hours counts as a night), wake up to share a meal with said family and then pack it all up, stuff it back into the mini-van and head out to a dinner hosted by the other side of the family—four hours away.

I have a friend who, in negotiations with her husband, traded every single major holiday of the year just so that Christmas could be spent in her hometown and she and her husband would never have to have this fight again. She should take that poker face to Vegas. I would’ve folded.

In order to please everyone and ensure you’ll still be married by Christmas, negotiations really need to start in the fall. Recently, our discussions on the matter took an interesting turn as we found we were each advocating for the other’s family to ‘get us.”

Shopping:

If there is ever a test of faith, it’s preparing for Christ’s birth in your heart while trying to find a parking spot at the mall. This is done to the soundtrack of car horns honking and people swearing at each other. Once in the mall, you can’t make a purchase without giving out your e-mail, phone number and zip code to the sales person, so you can be harassed and reminded of this experience all year long with ill-timed phone calls.

And there’s always those super uplifting human interest stories about humanity at its finest on TV. The one where people are willing to stampede each other for a $40 toy. Let’s not forget our favorite holiday dance: stretching that family budget to include buying gifts for people because they bought one for you/your kid last year and you were mortified they were not on your list and you were empty-handed.

The Christmas Card Picture:

Please tell me I’m not the only mother who turns into an insane beast of a woman when it comes time to take the photo for the family Christmas card. If I had to pick the worst four hours of my year, it would be taking the Christmas card picture. And, yes, it does take four hours. It is also the hardest workout I do all year, and for what? To capture the fact that my kids refuse to smile for a picture, someone is shoving their finger up their nose, the baby is crying and my make-up is dripping down my face with beads of sweat?

Between takes I scream, “Everyone shut their mouths, stop crying and smile or I’m canceling Christmas!” All of this just so we look like a big happy family in the photo card that has “Christmas blessings” scrolled across it. Last year, I attempted running this marathon while pregnant, and the whole thing actually put me into contractions. We’d already received cards form more successful friends who got their cards out the first week of December. Card after card made me wonder if all of our friends’ children had become catalog models or the face of dental offices.

If you look closely at our card from last year you can see me digging my fingernails into my husband’s leg because we were going on photo shoot hour three, and I was realizing that our photo wasn’t going to have the same fate as every other family we’d ever met. I was going off the edge. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a nervous breakdown over a photo card.

Enjoy the Season

This year I’m putting this on my list. Amid all of the stresses the holiday season brings to motherhood, our Church gifts us with the season of Advent. When everything around us defines Christmas by slapping a manufacturer’s label and price tag on it, our liturgical year builds in time for us to prepare our hearts for the real gift of Christmas, Jesus. We’re asked to quite our hearts and our mouths and prayerfully reflect on what this gift means to us.

We’ve decided that this year, no one is going to “get us” for Christmas Eve. You don’t have to travel to meet Baby Jesus. We’ll celebrate in our home and invite others to join us here. They can drive.

We’re not above bribes. We’ll use the kids to lure our families to our side of the state. We won’t tell them they’ll be sleeping on pink and purple twin sized beds in little girl rooms. They’ll also have to get up in the middle of the night to go out in the cold and create reindeer tracks in the snow to enhance the Christmas morning experience for our daughters.

Our daughters will receive three gifts from us. Because if it’s good enough for the baby Jesus, it’s good enough for us.

As for the Christmas card, maybe if I attempt to do a funny ‘out takes” type card we’ll finally get that Norman Rockwell family Christmas photo. It is baby Jesus’ birthday. If our Blessed Mother can ride a camel across her country while nine months pregnant, I think I can pack my kids into a mini-van and drive across the state to see family over the holiday season. I believe in Christmas miracles.

Now Thanksgiving, that’s another story. We’re still trying to work that one out……

Baptism by Fire

2011-10-12T18:28:00.000-07:00

**This post first apeared on Catholicmom.com last week. Elena's baptism was the most beautiful sacrament I've even seen. I'll share part II later this week.***

Part I

In making the preparations for our third daughter’s baptism my husband and I were challenged on our beliefs about the sacrament and necessity for infant baptism.

Our baby’s baptism brought with it the culmination of several manageable, but timely, stresses in our lives. Since Easter we’ve had a baby, moved to another city, joined a new parish and my husband wrote and defended his graduate thesis, received his master’s degree and started a new job. Also in that time we did some genetic testing on our newest family member and learned she shares the same genetic condition as her daddy.

Although thriving, it is necessary for our little “Laney Bug” to have some testing this week at the Children’s Hospital involving putting her under. For us, this meant she must be baptized before her testing and the clock began ticking on getting a baptism on the books.

We were met with some opposition and questions about why she had to receive the sacrament before her tests.

At first, I was extremely bothered. In fact we were outright angry someone dare question our wishes for our child. We are the parents of this beautiful child and thus all spiritual intentions for her are our responsibility, which we accept with joy.

Ironically, that’s a big part of baptizing an infant – renewing our own baptismal promises and committing to our community, and our Lord, that we will do our very best for our child to carry the light of Christ in her heart and be a faithful member of the body of Christ. It’s why I cry like a baby whenever I witness a baptism.

I expressed these views and was asked to just admit that this was an “emotional issue” for my husband and I, not a sacramental issue. In the end, it boiled down to me being asked this question:

“Do you, in your heart of hearts, really believe that your beautiful, innocent baby girl would not be welcomed into God’s kingdom if she were not yet baptized upon her death?”

I skirted past the question and we gave our reasoning for our intentions. We shared Church teachings and decided to disregard the opinions of others and set up the baptism. However, just because something is right doesn’t make it easy.

We struggled with the disappointment in how our third daughter would not have the same baptism experience as our first two. There was no party. In fact, there was no family. We were given an 8am mass baptism a week in advance and both of our families live over 3 hours away. We decided not to invite anyone or throw together a party. The whole thing had already been too stressful.

Amid this disappointment it was difficult to look forward to our daughter’s baptism this week. That question I had been asked was haunting me. It had struck a chord deep in my heart.

The truth is, I don’t really know what I believe would happen to my daughter were she to die before she were baptized. I know what my Church teaches me, but I also know I am a mother and my love for my daughters goes to ends of the earth. Doesn’t God’s fatherly love for us goes even further?

One may be baptized by blood, water or even intent is some cases. And, as long as someone is baptized in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, they’ve been claimed for Christ.

I however, feel as if I’ve just been baptized by fire. I’ve been baptized into a renewal of my own faith and baptismal vows. My mama bear instinct kicked in. In protecting my young I was forced to question my Father. Would He protect me as a mother and offer me comfort by welcoming my child?

Through much prayer and discussion with my husband I came to this:

I don’t know what would happen to my daughter should she die before she was baptized. Just as I don’t know what happens to anyone who does not live their earthly life as a member of the body of Christ.

But, I DO KNOW what WILL happen to her if she is baptized into the faith. Our daughter will be re-claimed for Christ and welcomed into Christ’s kingdom.

Because, even when she’s not with me, I need to know where she is. I am a mother.

Daybook – Thursday September 22, 2011

2011-09-22T23:29:00.000-07:00

Outside My Window ... The leaves on the trees are starting to change colors and fall is knocking on the door. There is something about fall in Wisconsin that warms my heart. Sometimes I think God gives us this brief, but beautiful, season right before the long winters just so we won’t all pack up and leave. Fall and the Packers – that’s what we’ve got here in the north.
***
I am listening to...
Tessa and Anna are playing dolls and Laney is under the sound board batting at buttons and playing music. I can’t believe my big girls are old enough to fight over dolls (sigh) and the baby is already playing. This home is full of noise, and it is good.
***

To Live the Liturgy…
We’ve finally got the details of Laney’s baptism figured out. It’s been a long road. We had to cancel the original baptism date due to the fact that we had scheduled it at the parish I was going to be working. When we decided I would not accept the position we also decided not to join that parish as it is far from our home. We joined a new parish and then got in contact with their pastoral associate and asked to have Elena baptized before her medical testing on Oct. 4th. She will have to be put under for her echo and we do not want to do that without her being baptized. It turned out to be more of an issue than we thought .

Apparently believing in the sacrament of baptism is an “emotional issue.” There is no such thing as original sin, Adam and Eve are a myth created by early Church Fathers and we couldn’t possibly believe that a sacrament can completely wash away all sins. Joseph and I struggled through this conversation in a baptism prep class last night. This class was given by a nun who is the pastoral associate at a parish - a CATHOLIC parish. We were not angry, just really sad. She was gracious to us. She offered us a private session because we could not make the scheduled class. She also allowed us to share our complete disagreement with her and she even bit her lip and didn’t say anything when we mentioned the Magisterium believes otherwise and she is representing the Catholic Church. She did however mention that she hadn’t heard the word Magisterium in 30 years. She really was a very nice women who is very misinformed and calling her misinformation Catholicism. But alas, the baby will be baptized before she is put under so we genuinely thanked this nun for her extra effort.
***

To be Fit and Happy….
I’ve cut out (ok, really cut down) on my drug of choice: coke. It is really, really hard. I don’t like coffee and I NEED that caffeine.
***
I am thankful for...
Space and order. Two things I have avoided my whole life, but much needed over here these days. I'm also grateful things have settled down a bit class wise for Joseph and he is working a more manageable amount of hours. It’s nice to have daddy home a tad more often.
***
We are teaching the girls…
Tessa has grasped the “letters together create words” concept and now wants to be able to read books. It is awesome to see her fall in love with books. Anna is working on a few colors yet and on above/below/next to/under/over.
***
From the kitchen ...
We were gifted with garden and freezer surplus from a few people and have been busy putting other people’s abundance to good use. We’ve been baking and cooking and spending many more of our daily hours in the kitchen. This makes me so happy. I’m also working on being creative in order to allow for less waste.
***

I am creating ...
Lists, lists and more lists. There is much to do and I’m working on not letting it consume me with anxiety.
***
I am working on...
The hubby and I are working on our holiday season plans. Our big girls both have November birthdays and then there is Thanksgiving and Christmas. We live 3 hours from both of our families and our families live across the state and 4 hours from each other. Plus, my parents are divorced. There is a lot of places to fit into a short amount of time and a lot of unrealistic expectations. We don’t want to spend the season pleasing others and not serving our immediate family. Last year there was major drama from some folks who don’t know what that situation is like with little kids – so we’re trying to be proactive this year so we can define them and be upfront about what our family will be doing. It’s really hard for families of origin to come to terms with now being extended family and extended family now being extra-extended family now that we have our own immediate family. We think that in order to cut down on some driving and fit everyone in we would like to host something here in our home. We have the space for the first time and I would love to host a holiday! How do you handle the holidays with extended family?
***
I am reading….
A ton of NFP info. Wow. I feel like I am in grad school again.
***
Towards a real education ...
This evening I will leave for my first NFP (natural family planning) teacher certification course. It will be 5 days of intense study. I almost didn’t share this as I am really nervous. I know there is a test and I’m a “test anxiety” type of person. But, I’ve read so much about our bodies and how our cycles work. I also like to offer advice to friends looking to conceive or trying to figure out fertility issues. Joseph really felt called to have me go and be certified, so here I go!
***
Bringing beauty to my home ...
Curtains and finally being hung thanks to a 30% off coupon code from Kohl’s and a 50% off hardware sale at Shopko. Things are finally coming together in our new place and it really feels like home. I love to decorate and we still have some blank spaces due to my lack of time and decision making abilities. We are close though.
***
I am hoping and praying….
For the stress level of my husband. He’s got a lot in his mind.
***
On my mind…
How fast life seems to be going. It’s sad to watch Tessa and Anna turn from toddlers into “kids,” but it is also really wonderful. I was cuddling with Tessa last week because she wasn’t feeling well and we had this conversation:
Mama: "I’m sorry you don’t feel good, Sugar Plum."
Tessa: "That’s ok, mama. It’s not your fault, you don’t have to say sorry.”
Ahhh, when did my baby become so smart?
***

Around the house ...
The big girls are working on “lady charts.” Each column has an area of life they need to work on in becoming little ladies. We have prayer, control of self and temper, being loving and so on. There are certain rows full of stinkers and other rows that are still empty. When the charts are full, the gals get to pick something fun to do. Tessa has chosen going to the movies with daddy AND eating popcorn and Anna has chosen riding a horse. I’m not entirely sure a stable is going to let an almost 3-year-old ride a horse and I’m a little worried certain rows in her chart (like controlling her temper and staying by mama and daddy in public) will be filled before the snow files. That being said, it is really nice to have then clearing their dishes from the table after meals and bringing things to mama when asked because they want to earn stickers.
***
One of my favorite things ...
My family in the fall. We have some great family traditions to celebrate our favorite season. On the list for next week is apple picking and then some baking and following that is a visit to the pumpkin farm.
***
For the rest of the week....
Joseph will be home with the girls and I will be at NFP teacher certification. There is still much to do around here and we both still have work to be done. They will be long, stressful days. Joseph really felt like this was something I should do, so we will find a way. Still, a family date needs to be set for the next week.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor

2011-09-01T19:40:00.000-07:00

I grew up on Mr. Rogers. His button-up cardigans, house shoes and use of puppets teaching the best of humanity in their imaginary world was a staple in my afternoon.

Mr. Rodger’s loving singing voice and being raised in a small town went hand-in-hand in teaching me how wonderful a local community can be.

In the five years since my husband and I said “yes” to the Lord and began this family we’ve been apartment dwellers. We don’t like to maintain (or pay for) more than we need and the lifestyle suited us just fine – until the babies came.

Having children is an apartment these days makes you public enemy number one. Children are to be seen and not heard, or so our culture promotes.

We’ve had upstairs neighbors who play NASCAR races on repeat in surround sound, neighbors who push their cats in strollers onto our patio, neighbors who walk in circles around the stop-light at 3am and neighbors with obsessively loud extra-curricular activities, shall we shay.

Our first two babies were “lulled” to sleep by unintelligible heavy metal music that my husband and I swore was a playlist created by the devil himself.

It wasn’t until an upstairs neighbor lost his mind and went on a stomping, screaming, swearing rampage and threatened the life of our colicky baby that enough was enough.

“Neighbor” became a swear word in our home.

The apartment living with babies experience made me want to pack up my family, make a pit stop at a mega bulk foods store and disappear into the country. We could live in a cave where we could parent as we wish without neighborly interference. I’d never have to speak to a “friendly” neighbor again. Too bad that if this family had to “live off the land” such as this lifestyle calls for, we’d parish. I have a black thumb, after all.

This spring we had our third daughter in as many years. At the time we were living in a two bedroom, 800 square foot condo type apartment. We brought our buddle of joy home, took one look around and decided it was time for this family to upgrade.

Not being ready or having the time to purchase a home made us leery of what we could find to accommodate our always growing family (in number and decibel level).

We landed in a beautiful, two story duplex. The home is on the end of a quiet cul-de-sac and the proximity to the highway is perfect for my husband’s commute. With only 1 shared wall and a garage between us, we thought we’d be safe from neighbor issues. We packed the moving truck and prayed for good neighbors.

The Lord provided, tenfold. We now call a beautiful Greek Orthodox family neighbor.

They are gracious to our girls, who often wander into their yard and may or may not swipe things off their patio.

Last week I caught the mother outside to share with her that one of our daughters had come down with the chicken pox. With three boys in their home I thought they should know.

A few days later I found her teenage boy mowing our neglected lawn. Sadly, I was confused by the kind, neighborly gesture.

I went over to speak with his mother, who was on her patio.

“What’s he doing,” I asked.

“Teenage boy help,” she said in broken English.

“Well thank you so much,” I responded. “I’ll have my husband stop over and pay him when he gets home from work.”

“No,” she said. “To help good for a teenage boy.”

I was awe-struck. What an amazing mother, to instill service and generosity into her sons and teach them to share of themselves because it is good, not because they expect something in return.

The next afternoon found me in the kitchen with my girls. With the baby in the Bumbo and the toddlers’ dirty feet crossed-legged on my counter we baked cookies for our new neighbors and talked about the importance of gratitude.

We walked over to our neighbor’s shoeless and as is, with mama in sweat pants wearing a baby and a 2-year-old dressed solely in a diaper.

A 3-year-old little girl with curls in her face handed the young boy and his mother a batch of cookies that may have been made with licked fingers.

“You didn’t have to do that,” they said.

“Yes we did,” I said. “Recognizing generosity and being appreciative is good for little girls.”

She smiled, thanked me and said we were welcome in her home any time.

This beautiful new neighbor was a witness of mothering with faith. Although she speaks two languages, her witness came without words. Instead, I identified their family as faithful by the crucifixes hidden under their collars and the way they define “neighbor” in their family’s actions.

A neighbor is not simply someone living in close proximity. It’s someone who walks not only next to us, but with us. And hopefully, we’ll help each other on our journeys to the same final destination.

Share with Me: Are you blessed with neighbors? How are you a neighbor in this world?

No Extraordinary Anniversary

2011-08-29T00:27:00.000-07:00

This past weekend marked our fifth wedding anniversary.

Five years ago we married, and then canceled our honeymoon to Rome. Instead, our “honeymoon” was spent in the hospital. My husband had his first heart surgery a week into our marriage.

I wasn’t too fazed by the canceled honeymoon. There were bigger issues at hand, clearly. Plus, we’re dreamers. It’s how the Holy Spirit drew us together to begin with.

So, as young love goes, naive promises were made as we held hands in an ICU and glanced into our future to get through our rough present.

On our fifth anniversary there’d be a vacation, a ring upgrade, a new dress. Maybe even a little one to shuffle off to grandma and grandpa’s house before heading off to somewhere luxurious.

And here we are. Five years, a job loss, four moves, another heart surgery, three kids, a miscarriage, a graduate degree, a broken leg and two broken mini-vans later.

You may be surprised, but I’m not writing this from an island resort.

I woke up this morning to find two toddlers had crawled into our bed, and my husband had crawled out. He had stayed up late working, gotten up in the middle of the night with the baby, and was zonked out on the couch.

That’s romance, friends.

There’s defiantly not a vacation anywhere in our near future and I’m fairly certain my wedding ring is chipped. We’ll have to put that on the list of things to look into.

The real life version of our ocean-view five year anniversary was an afternoon in the backyard. The kids were in swimsuits and daddy was playing with the settings on the hose sprayer. Our daughters shrieked in delight and scurried back and forth between daddy and the fence. Chubby toddler toes on wet grass is close to perfection - until it’s time to come in the house.

I watched this weekend from the lawn chair as I fed the baby. I certainly wasn’t wearing a new dress. The shorts and tank top I had on were on their third day of wear, and covered in baby-spit up.

Thoughts of vacations were pushed from my mind as I returned to reality and added “make sure rug is out before letting the girls back inside” to my mental “to –do” list. I returned to my daydream and began fanaticizing about purchasing a washer and dryer. We’ll have to put that on the list of things to look into.

Anniversary gifts haven’t been exchanged yet – mostly because the checkbook hasn’t been balanced for the month and we don’t like to make extra purchases until we’ve got the month figured out. We’ll have to add the banking and budget to the list of things to do before Monday.

Once the little ones were hosed off, we headed in-doors to make heart cupcakes. Fingers were dipped, an egg shell was dug out of the garbage and licked and pink sprinkles tumbled across my newly-cleaned kitchen floors. The big girls decorated cupcakes and sang “happy birthday” to mama and daddy’s marriage.

The weekend was nothing extraordinary.

There are big decisions being made over here this weekend. There are career opportunities to be weighed, new schedules to be sorted out.

At first, the dreamer in me was slightly disappointed. But then I followed the dripping sound coming from the bathroom to find three pint sized ruffled swimsuits hanging from the showerhead to dry.

I recalled my dream of married life and motherhood is much older than my dream of a fancy five year anniversary trip.

I adjusted the bathmat to catch the wet droplets of a simple, joy-filled afternoon and returned to the sun-kissed cheeks of my “Irish twins” who were sitting cross-legged on my kitchen counter.

They both wore frosting-covered grins because to them, playing in the backyard with mama and daddy and eating cupcakes in the same day is living in a fantasy.

We canceled the babysitter we had lined up for an anniversary dinner out. We got news of a fire we’ll have to put out and my husband has too much work to do. An evening out this particular weekend would have led to no sleep for him and too much stress on the both of us this week. It was hard to do, and not ideal. There is far too much “working” around here. Something we’ll have to look into in the next five years.

I dreamt of going on a cruise for our ten-year as my husband and I spent the evening talking about a big problem that we’ll have to face this week.

I remind myself the only cruise I’d be going on in the near future is bound to have Mickey Mouse captioning the ship.

I guess we’ll bring that dream back to reality during the romantic budget meeting we’ll have tonight.

Everyone is peacefully sleeping now as I reflect on the anniversary weekend. My husband will get up early to work and the baby will wake to take her medicine soon. I’ll have to add refilling her prescriptions to the list of things to look into this week.

For the first time today the only sound in my home is the ticking of the clock. It reminds me although I’m slightly disappointed that time, finances and a full plate didn’t allow for the anniversary celebration I had planned, I’ll never wish these hard days away. In fact, I desperately grasp every stress-filled minute for fear they’re too quickly slipping away.

Maybe by our ten year anniversary we’ll be vacationing. Just because we didn’t get there in these five years doesn’t mean we won’t in the next. We’re dreamers after all.

Happy five-year anniversary, Joseph.

You are (in jest) “the love and demise of my life.” You truly do sanctify me.

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." --Robert Brault

I Go to the Water

2011-08-20T21:36:00.000-07:00

My view as I write this...

There are different things in this world that magnify God’s voice. Places where if one’s just still enough they may just catch a breath of the Lord’s whisper in the beauty of a piece of His creation.

I go to the water.

The water serves as the megaphone God uses to speak to my heart. The wind is different by the water. Its smell, its taste, the way it can gently bombard me yet be strong enough to wash away self-doubt.

Peace washes over me as each wave crashes to the shore. The ripple effect of the water takes root within me and my hopes and beliefs are reenergized, growing bigger and wider as they spread.

When that emptiness that lives within us all gets too wide and too dark and I become too aware of my separateness from God, I go to the water.

The water has power over me, the only thing in nature able to free me from myself.

If you haven’t found the place, season of the year, flower or smell that does this for you, I encourage you to make it a spiritual priority.

There is much beauty in this world, let it inspire the beauty flowing deep within our souls. For God has created it all. He created the emptiness and only He can fill it.

God’s created places for us to meet. I go to the water.

The Shallows Resort - Door County, WI

Share with Me: Where in nature do you go to meet God?

I took a weekend vacation and never went back to work

2011-07-25T15:43:00.000-07:00

After two years of hard work and 6 months of extreme family sacrifice, my husband recently defended his graduate thesis and received his master’s degree. The very first thing we did (even before the poor sleep deprived man took a nap) was book a mini family vacation for the following weekend.

Over the past few months “family time,” has gradually slipped further and further down the priority list. It was the season of our life and we feel confident the sacrifices we made will pay dividends for our family, but something had to be done.

Have you ever started a deep cleaning project and stopped to take a break only to find yourself mortified by the mess you’d made? Things tend to get worse before they get better.

We put all other pressing things we had let slide over the past month on hold and picked our family up off the floor.

We visited Wisconsin Dells, staying away from most of the tourist attractions and focusing on quality, low-key, family time. We took a horse-drawn ride into Lost Canyon, boarded a “choo-choo” train in North freedom, WI, and had a morning under the big-top at Circus World in Baraboo.

As with any family vacation with small children, there were casualties. Anna was kicked by a horse, there were 4 scrapped knees, mama and the baby got too much sun, the brakes on the van died and Tessa’s ear found the not-so-friendly end of an iron stool on the train.

Amidst the excitement and wonderful family time, the cloud of stress and indecision that had been hovering over us lifted and feelings on recent big changes in our life became more clear.

I recently accepted a position at a parish to work 25 hours a week coordinating Faith Formation. The parish is wonderful and the people working in Faith Formation are wonderful. At first instinct 25 hours per week sounded like a bit much for me. I work from home 10 hours a week, freelance write, and you know- mother 3 kids 3 and under. I was offered flexibility and I do have this master’s degree in theology collecting dust on my shelf so, I signed on the dotted line.

But something funny happened while we were on vacation, taking time to enjoy each other and not letting the stresses of everyday life live in the forefronts of our minds. Somewhere between the picnic lunches, relaxing in the hot-tub and spending family time together, for the first time in recent months prayer found a way to pierce through a barrier it couldn’t break through at home:

Joseph decided this is not what he wants for his family.

I’ve been blessed with a loyal and true man. In the almost five years we’ve been married we’ve had many decisions to make. Some of them were placed upon us and out of our control (medical emergencies), and some of them we brought on ourselves through the mistakes we’ve made. And, we’ve made a lot of mistakes.

It has taken my husband a while to figure out what he wants to do “when he grows up.” It’s been hard, having him figure this out as we had 3 kids in 3 years and while he also had 2 heart surgeries in that time. He’s worked really hard to finish his master’s degree and put himself in a position to advance his career.

The only thing he has been sure of in the five years we’ve been married is that he feels called to help me fulfill my call to write. He doesn’t want me to add something to my plate that does not promote that calling, and does not want me going back to work – taking time away from my callings of motherhood and writing.

How blessed I am with a husband who feels even more strongly about my callings than I do.

I will not be going back to working outside the home after all. I’ll be sticking with my work from home job and freelancing. Since we made this decision we have received several affirmations so we are going to trust in my husband’s plan for our family, and in God, that this plan is the best one for us.

My weekend vacation led to my not going back to work.

Vacations are important (even the Pope agrees). They give us a chance to step out of our everyday responsibilities. They give us the opportunity to see our life through a different lens. This time, for us, that lens was a bit clearer and we were able to identify the mismanagement of our priority list.

There are many ways to take a vacation or “time-out” in life. Sometimes they lead to bigger and better things than souvenirs and pictures for the scrapbook. Have you taken one recently?

Seven Quick Takes – The Return

2011-07-20T21:25:00.000-07:00

I didn’t fall off the face of the planet, although I feel like it some days. Our life took a 180 degree turn in a short time and we were just trying to stay afloat. My husband finished and defended his thesis after many, many, all nighters (as in, 3 weeks of less than 3 hours sleep a night) for all of us. I was so happy when he defended and was awarded his degree that I couldn’t stop crying. It was a long and very hard chapter for us in so many ways. I am thankful we made sacrifices for the future of our family – but oh so happy it is over. If we had to go back, I don’t know if we would do it again. Think twice about graduate school and 3 kids under 3. It’s hard. Really, really difficult.

If all that wasn’t enough – we moved the same week he was finishing the thesis. Yes, we’ve moved! We said goodbye to apartment living (thank God) and are now in a lovely duplex with about twice the living space we had before. Several friends commented on how they didn’t know how I did it while we were living in our apartment and to be honest, it kind of bothered me. I didn’t know it wasn’t “good enough” until people started telling me it wasn’t good enough. However, now that we are in a space that actually works for our family, I am so happy I didn’t know what I was missing. I really don’t think I could have done it if I had known what I was missing. Life is much more manageable here for us all.

Moving/thesis month

My husband turned 30! We have now both moved into our thirties and both events were - uneventful. My birthday feel while I was still pregnant with Elena and we were offered free babysitting by my family so we could go out. I was too tired and not feeling well and opted to go to bed at 8pm instead. Boy, did that make me feel old! Joseph’s birthday feel during the same week as the thesis and the big move. Our big girls were in my hometown with my mom so we could work/pack and he was on his 3rd all nighter in a row. There was no celebration. The next week when the big gals returned Tessa was adamant we “make” him a “surprise” party when he got home from work. It was the first time she really had her own idea about something we should do and brought it to me to ask for permission. She was so excited. We made a cake and the gals screamed SURPRISE when daddy came home and then grabbed his hands and lead him to his cake. The joy these girls got from making something for their daddy was birthday present enough for us both. Our thirties will be great!

Daddy's "party" otherwise known as dinner

Baby Laney is doing well. She has had a few medical concerns come up. Sometimes she has trouble breathing. We’ve seen her specialist/cardiologist and he sent us onto an ENT. I was very impressed that he researched Loeys-Ditez before our appointment and really trust him. It is such a blessing when you find a doctor you can trust. We are now working on a project where we are trying to videotape her when she starts to have one of her episodes so we can e-mail it to the ENT. He also gave us some tips on how to help her when she is struggling by holding her in different positions. I’m confident it is just a small bump in the road and all will be fine.

feeding Elena before an apt. at the Children's Hospital

I’m in the middle of another struggle in my never-ending discernment of working outside of the home. Why this issue haunts me I do not know. I’ll have more once I share first with those it impacts the most. I am reminded more and more through this struggle that I am so blessed by my work at home job. I love that job so much. It does stress me out here and there, but the pros FAR out-weigh the cons and I am so thankful for the job and the families/friends that have provided our family with the opportunity. I’ve been doing it for over two and a half year, which is the longest I have ever stayed at a job. That really says something.

I can’t believe I am saying this, but I am really starting to think about home-schooling. WHAT? I have always said I love the idea of home-school but could never, ever do it. I also said that I wouldn’t shut the door, even though I knew God would not knock on that door. Well, you know that saying, “if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” Sigh. I’ve been reading home-schooling books since I was pregnant with my first child with the understanding that just because I wasn’t going to be home-schooling that didn’t mean I wouldn’t be schooling my children at home. Parents are the first teachers of their children, no matter where they attend school. We’ve been doing research about schools and I just can’t find anything I like that doesn’t cost a ton of money. And, even the schools that cost a lot of money, then I feel like why pay money for something I can do myself? Lord, help me. And Lord help our families, whom I am sure will have some not-so-wonderful opinions. If I hear one more line about socialization I may scream. No decision has been made, not even close. I think we are down to Catholic school or home-schooling - or maybe even both, or different options for each child. Just something we are thinking about and thought I would put on my blog so I don’t have to tell people face-to-face. I’m chicken like that.

Such a happy girl

That’s enough life changes for now, don’t you think? We’re finding a new normal that we really like over here. Part of that will be more committed and reserved blog time for me as well. I can’t wait. I’ve missed you all.

If you're thinking about having a baby - look at this picture. How can you not love looking at this every day?

And life keeps rolling

2011-06-12T23:43:00.000-07:00

The old expression, “no need to reinvent the wheel” never made sense to me. It’s taken me all my thirty years to learn one of the oldest expressions in the book is basically preaching one very big life lesson: life is hard enough, don’t create more work for yourself than needed.

Unfortunately, my wonderful hubby and I have never been so good at this. We tend to go about things the hard way. Straight lines are too easy for us. We make several wrong turns and pit stops between points A and B. In our defense, life has thrown us in the ditch more times than most others our age, but I’m not one for excuses.

To be honest, we’ve had a hard year and once again we find ourselves at a crossroads. The fork in the road and commitment and choices that must go with each path has been our place of biggest mistake in the past. But not this time. We’ve learned this fear, anxiety and un-comfort with the coming changes is our call to prayer. This time, we’ve answered the call. Our decision process has been much longer and more prudent. Big changes are coming, but we know they are the right ones. We’ve prayed diligently and have been rewarded by affirmations at every turn. Affirmation that we’ve discerned correctly has been our biggest blessing.

Loose strings will be tied this week and hopefully, the I’s will be dotted, T’s will be crossed, and the Rutchiks will roll onto the next phase in life.

So excuse the dust, rubber cones and confusion, the Rutchiks are under construction these days.

For today, I share with you the first step in our new life – the new “Rutchik family van.” I’m so excited to have a van again and Joseph is equally pleased. One of his favorite daddy moments is driving his sleeping family of ladies late at night in the dark. We’ve spent a lot of time together in the van these past 2 weeks as we prepare for our next step in life. It’s been fruitful time for our family’s present and future.

3 carseats in the back of a car was not working out. We couldn't get our bags from the market to fit in the trunk and nobody was happy.

Our "new to us" van.

The new van has space for our new and improved family. Who wouldn't want to ride with this little gal?

First trip through the car wash.

Anna likes the new van, but not the carwash!

Daybook – Memorial Day Weekend Edition

2011-05-30T00:50:00.000-07:00

An update:
Adjustment to 3 little ladies has been wonderful. Elena is a great baby and we have been so blessed by expanding our family and its only been a month since her birth.

Bringing Elena home from the hospital.

It has been insane having a baby while Joseph starts a new job teaching and finishes his graduate thesis at the same time. It has been great, but really hard on me. I’ve been calling myself a “thesis widow.” Joseph works on his thesis every minute of the day when he isn’t teaching or commuting. We haven’t even really had a conversation in weeks. It’s hard, but I know it is needed to move our family forward, so the sacrifice will be worth it. He handed in his final draft on Friday and now we pray his committee says it is ready to defend. We’re really worried about that as he has had some issues with his committee and they have had issues among themselves about what they want from him. It’s really stressful. Things are changing and we are moving into a time of transition. We have hope it will all be worth it.

Anna wanted to "help" daddy revise his thesis

I really missed blogging and can’t stay away anymore! No matter how crazy life has been. I have to share my new little Laney Bug!

Daybook

Outside My Window ...
There are people moving into the condo across the way from us. Tessa’s been perching herself in the window to watch. She yells, “look mama! People, I see people!”

It’s really embarrassing, I’m afraid they’ll think she is held hostage or something. We really need to get these kids out more.

I am listening to...
Little baby coos. Laney is a wonderful baby, but she hyperventilates, snores and makes odd breathing noises far too often. I’ve never been one of those hovering moms that has a panic attack with every baby breathing sound. I do have to say I’ve never had a baby like this and it’s on my list for her first visit to the pediatrician.

To Live the Liturgy…
Tessa’s in love with Mary and talks often about how she is her best friend. It’s really cute. I need to capitalize on the interest and get some good scripture stories/activities going this week.

To be Fit and Happy….
I’m so happy to not be pregnant anymore! I put my real pants on last week and it felt great. Unfortunately, I didn’t get much milk again this go around (why don’t you work, body?!). I was able to pump and supplement up until this week when even the attempts to pump are bordering on the verge of not being worth it anymore. Still trying, but I think things are drying up. I’m back to my pre-pregnancy weight and losing about 2lbs a week, but I worry once I stop pumping I’ll start to gain. We’ll see.

Rocking the "mom of three" thing

I am thankful for:
Excellent medical care for Joseph and Elena

Family and friends who have been wonderful these past few weeks

My husband who is killing himself over his thesis in the hopes that it will bring good things for our family

The change of seasons (if it ever happens here in WI)

A new stage in life on the horizon

Little girls

From the kitchen ...
Anything anyone’s heart desires! I embarked on a massive shopping excursion today and the results were more than fruitful! The local circulars were amazing for the holiday weekend and I went to work putting those sales to good use.

I put a few hours of prep work in - matching items on sale to my stack of coupons from the last few Sunday papers and hit the store on double coupon day. The results were amazing. At Pick N Save my total bill came to $267. After my store card and manufacturer’s coupons I paid $145 and left the store with coupons for a free gallon of milk and 18 count carton of eggs on my next visit. I saved so much the computer didn’t like it and a manager had to be called to over ride my transaction. I have to admit, I was slightly embarrassed at first, but then I got really excited and super proud of myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a coupon expert and am far from extreme couponing. The ads and sales were just really great this week due to the holiday weekend.

Hopefully the rest of the weekend will bring a cookout and some cooking/baking with the girls.

I am creating ...
Lists and lists of things I want to do, many of them writing projects. I’m also hoping to get the sewing machine out if we’re home tomorrow. We’re in need of some new placemats and I have tons of fabric waiting to be used.

I am working on……….
Creating more structure in our lives now that we are settled into a new “normal” with the addition of baby Elena and Joseph’s completion of school (almost, maybe).

I am reading….
Mother’s Manual – a beautiful book of prayer a friend of mine sent at the start of my pregnancy.

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother – I actually finished this book last week, but I took notes in the hopes of writing a review/reflection on the book. I really enjoyed it.

Towards a real education ...
Both of our older girls are enjoying working on sounding out words and announcing what letter they start with. Tessa walks around the house and chatters away about everything she sees and what letter it starts with. As always with our genius Anna, you never know she is interested or has mastered an educational milestone until she starts muttering the correct answers under her breath from the corner of the room. They’re both doing well with identifying the correct starting letter. The biggest stumbling blocks are K’s and C’s and Q’s. I’m hoping to do a few more focused exercises in phonics in the very near future. I’m not exactly sure how to teach phonics, so any ideas for some over-eager 2 and 3 year-olds would be appreciated!

Bringing beauty to my home ...
Bleck. I’m trying to stop complaining about our home. I want our girls to always love “home” no matter how I feel about the physical place itself. We were hoping to move very soon. However, in the past we have made rash and poor decisions about moving, so we are trying to really discern and be overly prudent about what we do. Since nothing is locked up for long term employment for Joseph and we’ve had some new developments in our life, we think it best to hold off and pray on things more. So, I need to make a very conscience effort to keep this place as clean as possible. When a space is too small clutter and messiness only makes things worse.

I am hoping and praying….
For Elena. Her genetic tests came back and she did test positive for Loey-Dietz. Joseph’s doctor and PA were amazing and got her in right away for an echo and for us to talk with them. I’ll write a post about this all later this week, but many of you noticed my absence on the blogs and have e-mailed asking, so I thought I’d give an update!

On my mind……………
So many things on my mind these days. The winds of change are blowing. I know things are good, and the changes coming are good ones for our family. Change is hard for me though, so I’m trying to keep myself in a good place.

snuggles with daddy

A big purchase is also on our minds. We’ve had a dead van for almost a year now. Last week we had it towed away to a shop to be looked at and fixed. The mechanic called this week to say it would cost more than he had originally thought. Since we were already on the fence about putting so much money into that van, we are now looking at selling it to a salvage yard and buying something else. We have our eye on one and should know more before the weekend is over. It’s far from new, but it would be new to us. Having a 2nd vehicle again would be so awesome! We have some research to do to make sure we get the best deal on disposing of our old van and on buying a “new" one. We’ve vowed to never finance a vehicle again and to only buy something outright. So, lots of work to put into the process, but I’m really excited and hope the week brings new wheels!

One of my favorite things ...
Time with my husband! Since his thesis is either done or getting revisions right now, he’s done/on a break. Just to sit in front of the TV and have a conversation this weekend has been amazing. We’ve really missed him around here.

Baby coos. Elena coos. None of my babies have ever cooed or made as many cute little baby noises as she does. It is so precious. I’m sucking up every last minute of snuggles and newborn smell. She’s already growing and changing so fast. She is now 9.5 lbs and 22.5 inches. In 4 weeks she gained 2lbs and grew 2”.

Watching the older 2 becomes big sisters has been an even greater joy than I dreamed. They are both so loving and protective of her. A sibling really is the very best gift you can give your child.

Our first picture as a family of five

Welcome, Baby!

2011-04-27T21:36:00.000-07:00

Elena Jane Monica Rutchik
9:44pm
7lbs 7oz
21"

She's got a full head of black curly hair. She is doing great - having a small issue with getting her temp up, but other than that mama and baby and well.

My "best" labor yet! Thanks for all the prayers!

Baby Time!!!

2011-04-27T08:57:00.000-07:00

It's baby day! Well, I hope she comes before midnight :)

Thought I would update and share a "before" pic while I am still smiling.

I'm starting to get a bit uncomfy - so I'm off to the awesome tub in this L&D suite!

Please pray for health for mama and baby. I've got all your prayer intentions with me as well.

Updates and Prayer Buddy Reveal

2011-04-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

First things First – Prayer Buddy Reveal
I’ve had the honor of praying for Christina this Lent! Christina takes amazing photos! I had such fun going back in her archives and seeing her gift come to life on her blog.
I won’t share her prayer intentions, but we had many in common this Lenten season and I felt so close to her knowing I could pray for these intentions as they weigh on someone else’s heart.
God Bless you, Christina! You have been close to my heart this Lent.

Update on Baby/the Amnio
Thanks so much for all of your prayers and messages. Still no baby! Here is the short version:

My BP has been CRAZY town and baby girl also seemed to not be so happy in her little home inside of mama. The specialist thought it may be best to go ahead and take her out. Hence, an amnio to check for lung development. No such luck. The amnio itself is more of a mind game than anything. It’s gross and they prepare you as if you are having surgery. That really messed with my mind. I made the mistake of looking at the giant needle before it went in. That was not smart. It did hurt, but it wasn’t too bad. The rest of the day was also filled with cramping and contractions. But, all worth it for the little lady.

The first week her lungs we no where near ready, so all of my care was switched to the specialist’s office over an hour away and I have had 3 appointments per week. Sigh. It’s been a juggling act with one car, Joseph’s school, thesis and interviews, the kids and all my appointments. But, it can only go on for so long.

We repeated the amnio last Thursday and although the lungs were STILL not developed, the number had doubled. My blood pressure had also gone down some and baby seems more pleased hanging out in mama. This time I was smart and just closed my eyes as soon as they brought the trey of stuff in and started sterilizing my belly. This helped with the fear a lot. But, this time the needle went in and I didn’t feel it come out. It stayed in. I started wondering what was happening.

“Why isn’t there fluid coming out?” the doctor asked the ultrasound tech (they do an ultrasound while doing an amnio so the doctor knows where the pockets of fluid are)

And then it happened. My baby started freaking out and I felt that needle jiggling all around inside of me. I FLIPPED out. In theory I knew they could see what was happening on the ultrasound, but my eyes were closed and I thought maybe they had stabbed my baby and I wanted them to know she was flipping out.

“Don’t worry, everything is fine clam down and don’t move” they told me.

Then the doctor started giving direction to the ultrasound tech who was a trainee. This is what I heard:

“The baby has grabbed the needle. Keep the view right there and don’t move it. We just have to wait for her to let it go. Come on baby, stop playing with it. Nobody move.”

My baby GRABBED the needle and was PLAYING WITH IT. Everyone had a good laugh when it was over. Only something odd like this would happen to me. I find it funny now, but I was not laughing then. It was creepy and it hurt and boy was I sore afterward. Now it’s just a good story. I think I have a little sassy gal on my hands already.

So, I’m still pregnant. I’m driving an hour to see the specialist, getting blood taken and turning in all my urine like it’s homework twice a week. I'm also seeing my regular doctor (who of course leaves on a 2 week vacation this Thursday) once a week here in my town. I am 38 and a half weeks and I guess all lungs are ready at 39 weeks, so we’ll see if maybe we have a baby this week.
All these false alarms have been great for one thing: we have finally decided on a name. It took forever and we have changed our minds about a million times, but we are confident this one is the keeper.

School/Job/Health Situations
It was truly Lent over here and I don’t want to speak too soon, but it is starting to feel like Easter now! My husband Joseph has turned in his graduate thesis and already locked down a teaching job for the summer at the UW school here in town. He is “thisclose” to locking down more teaching gigs at a college about an hour away and news on that should come this week. He will be teaching a mock class to their board of deans on Tuesday. Prayers for that, please. There are also a few other irons in the fire for the fall and I am starting to breath a little easier that there are jobs, GOOD jobs, out there for English instructors and that this was a sacrifice worth the time, stress and money for our family. We would still need to figure out insurance and if we would move somewhere more central like the Fox Valley, but thoe are stresses we have decided to save until baby is here, school is done and Joseph passes his health appointments (God willing!).

We are really praying this baby is born and we are out of the hospital by May 3rd which is when we have our appointments at Children’s hospital to genetically test the baby for Loeys-Dietz Syndrome and Joseph will have his big batch of check ups and tests. The weeks leading up to these appointments always turn me into an insomniac and a worried ball of nerves and stress as we have really been blindsided with bad news too often. We have really been praying for the worry to leave us so we may see the blessings in the next few weeks as Joseph finishes school and we welcome a baby. These are blessings for our family and we are trying so hard not to let fear and worry overshadow these things we prayed and worked so hard for.

Whew! That was a huge update! Thanks for sticking with me. Easter is here indeed. We had a lovely Holy Week and Easter Sunday and I hope to share some of it this week. Although, I REALLY hope I will be in the hospital holding a baby. This mama is done!

Happy Easter!

A Little Help From My Friends

2011-04-13T15:05:00.000-07:00

Hey there prayer buddy and AWESOME blogging mama friends! Could you please say an extra prayer for me tonight? I have to have an amnio in the morning and I have to tell you - YIKES! I’m a bit scared.

I guess God was really using Tessa to teach me a lesson on fear this week for a reason. No need for big concern, I’m just a Scaredy Cat. You see, I did what no person in their right mind should do before a medical procedure; I googled. U-Tube had an assortment of lovely amnio videos for my viewing pleasure and now I’m pretty sure I won’t be sleeping tonight!

My husband almost passed out once because he thought it would be a good idea to watch them put the epidural in during one of my labors. That was not a good choice on his part. He said it was one of the freakiest things he has ever seen. He’s in for a treat in the morning. I can’t decide if I should warn him via making him watch what I watched, or if ignorance really is bliss.

Thanks for your prayers – in the end it is worth every snuggle and baby coo in the world!

If you happen to be my in real life friend/family or FB friend, please don’t mention this on my FB wall. I’m not in the mood to answer lots of questions about my pregnancy to some people I sat next too in 8th grade science or met once at a party.

Also, this baby is coming sometime in the next week or two. I would love to offer up some of my labor for your intentions, so comment or send me an e-mail if you have a prayer request!

A Theological Crisis in the Bathroom

2011-04-11T22:08:00.000-07:00

Last night was crazy here in Central Wisconsin! Out of no where the temperature went up to over 80 degrees and brought with it a lot of severe storms. Joseph took “his girls” out for ice cream and all 3 of us were wearing sun dresses that no longer fit! Mine a bit too taught around the middle due to the large belly and Tessa and Anna’s dresses from last year have become far too short! It was too hot for this mama to care, so out for ice cream we went.

We knew severe storms were called for, so we needed to get out and pick up some batteries for the flashlight. We made it home just in time for the tornado sirens to go off. We don’t have a basement, so we collected our newly working flashlight, the computer, some candles and the girls’ blankies and had a family party in the bathroom!

I was surprised to learn that Tessa was really afraid of all the thunder and lightening. The lightening really seemed to get her. Before we made our way into the bathroom I assured her there was no need to be scared, but that if she hears that siren she always needs to find mommy, daddy or a grown up to go with – just like when the smoke detector goes off. She could not be settled (and neither could her curly hair I may add, her mop top could seriously be used by the national weather service!).

Once in the bathroom so continued to tell everyone to relax. It became very apparent to mommy and daddy that she kept repeating this because she was really having a hard time. I reminded her that sometimes when we are scared we can always ask Jesus, Mary or God to please help us not to be scared anymore. She listened, was quite for a few minutes and then the questions I thought I wouldn’t get as a parent for another 10 years started pouring out of my 3 year old.

TESSA: “Mama, why ask Jesus and Mary and God to make me not scared of the lightening when they could just make the storm stop?”

MAMA: “Well, God is so big that we can’t always understand Him, but even when we don’t understand we know one thing for sure; He loves us more than anything, so we can ALWAYS ask Him to help us,”

TESSA: “Yeah, but if he loves me he’ll take the storm away so I don’t have to be scared anymore?”

MAMA: “Well, no,” I said. God doesn’t always do what we ask of Him, He loves us so much and knows better than we do what is the best thing for us. He is even smarter than mommy and daddy.”

TESSA: “But why does he want me to be scared? That’s not very nice of Him, that’s not loving.”

While Tessa sat on a bathroom stool asking all the questions of faith and life, Joseph and I made eyes of desperation and shock at each other through the bathroom mirror. I was literally saved by the bell when the siren stopped and I excused myself to go into the living room and check the TV to see if the storm had passed.

The all clear was given and our family theology session in the bathroom ended. Later, during night time prayer Tessa thanked Jesus for keeping us safe during the storm. As I was mentally patting myself on the back for my awesome parenting she interrupted my prideful moment:

TESSA: “See mama, God will take the storm away when I ask him to. So I don’t have to be scared. Because He DOES love me.”

MAMA: “Umm, well, that’s not really…ummmm..not every time…. He didn’t…ummmm. Goodnight! I love you!”

Apparently I was chocking on all my pride!

So God won’t ALWAYS clear Tessa’s path of storms. I know I’ll have to teach her about redemptive suffering someday.

But really, cut me a break, I’ve got a 3 year old theologian on my hands here and I was sitting crossed legged on a cold title bathroom floor, nine months pregnant in a tornado warning. I can only do so much.

Clearly I need to start asking for God to guide me in my parenting of my very intuitive and inquisitive daughter!

I never do this because I always feel gross around this time. But now I wish I had done it with Tessa and Anna - so here I am!

The Working Mother

2011-04-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

I’m a working mother. In my opinion, the words “mother” and “worker” are synonyms.

I don’t claim to understand the inner workings or mystery that is God. I believe the vastness of His love is too much for our mortal, fallen minds to grasp.

I am sure our worth is not found in a paycheck and that every life holds the same amount of value. That amount does not begin with a dollar sign.

This is not the mind set of our culture. Questions such as “what do you do?” and “what are you?” are quick to form on the lips of strangers and long lost friends. The answers sought are often job titles, and expected as definitions of a person instead of how a paycheck is earned.

When a mother is asked what she “does” there is often a qualifier placed in front of her answer, either by herself or the person she’s speaking to. “Oh, I’m JUST a mom,” or, “so you JUST stay home?”

Don’t cut yourself short, moms! There’s no “just” about this gig! Let’s all get together on one thing; in the language of motherhood, “just” should indeed be treated as a four letter word. Let’s not say it about ourselves or let others use it in reference to our vocation.

There are many calls to the same vocation. This is especially true of motherhood. Some are called to be the family breadwinner; some are called to be home fulltime, some half time. There are mothers who are called to bring new life into the world yearly during their season of fertility in the form of a new baby while others carry the cross of infertility. Some mothers are called to mother children of the world who have no mother.

As mother, the one thing we all have in common is that we are all called to live our lives breathing life into the world, be that into little souls trusted in our care or in the many other ways God calls that breath from us into the world. It is fruitful. It is good, and it is different in each mother.

I am currently called to be a work at home mother. Working from home is stressful, but worth it for our family. I started working from home for a family centered company when our second daughter was two months old. The opportunity was a God send for me.

Joseph and I had just had two daughters in one year and realized we needed an additional source of income. Over these two years my commitment has varied. My role and time commitment has nicely settled into about 15 hours a week.

My freelancing career has grown greatly over these past two years. On average, I am working on freelance assignments about10 hours a week, putting my total weekly working hours at about 25.

The addition of these freelance hours has helped me become a better worker and a better mother. When I found myself too overwhelmed with these commitments I took a step back and really discerned how I work.

I used to “work” all throughout the day. Making a phone call here and there, checking my e-mail every hour and answering e-mails as they came in. At the end of the day I had really only “worked” maybe an hour and a half. Yet, I felt like I was working all day every day and that the TV was babysitting my children.

My husband and I decided this was not working for our family and after much discernment, we decided that although I am still called to be a work at home mother, how I went about it needed to change. With my freelancing growing we decided it was time to make room in our lives for me to have some solid and defined working time.

For the past few months we have set aside larger blocks of time for me to work. Instead of always feeling like my mind was on work while my kids fit between those stresses, we’ve shifted our focus. I work less days but for longer periods of time. This has created less time stressing about work and more time actually working. It’s been a wonderful change for me mentally and it’s been great for my projects and my motherhood. I’ve been able to take on more freelance work and feel the publications I work on for my job have become better as a result.

The last trimester of this pregnancy has been one of great discernment for this work at home mother. I have a masters degree and the student loans that often accompany such a degree. In the past month many have asked me when I am going to “use” my degree.

My favorite question is, “when are you going to stop wasting your degree and go back to work?”

The question boils my blood. I do work. I am a mother, and a working mother at that. Just because I don’t leave my house everyday does not mean I’m not working, that I’m wasting my education or that I am financially lazy.

A few doors were recently opened to me and there was the possibility of me going back to work, full or part time, outside of the home.

During the daytime hours I was able to talk myself into this. I thought of all the debt we could pay off, vacations we could take and stress that would be taken off our plate.

But, the night. The night was another story.

For a few days I was unable to sleep and didn’t know why. Then I started having panic attacks. As perfect as the plan sounded, I am not called to it. I am called to be doing what I’m doing. I am home with my kids AND I work. The way our family pieces that all together is unconventional, but it works for us.

I feel so blessed to be home with my girls, doing a job I really like, working with people who share the same values as we do and building my writing career right along side my family. We are willing to sacrifice to live in the way we feel called. Just as mothers who work full time outside of the home are willing to sacrifice things to fill the role they are called to as a mother. Same vocation: different and equal call.

Like many other things in life, motherhood seldom goes exactly as expected. I learned this lesson in my first days as a mother when I was unable to breastfeed. I was heartbroken. I had convinced myself that to be a good mother one MUST breastfeed. God did not create that opportunity for me. Instead, His plan was much greater. His plan was Irish twins for us. This heartbreak turned into the blessing we call Anna Clare.

As I write this, I am very pregnant. My mother has come for a few days to help take care of the girls and clean my house so I may rest and get ahead on my projects and job to prepare for the birth of our third daughter. On this very day we are both answering the call to motherhood. My mother on her hands and knees scrubbing floors for her daughter and I in a chair, resting so that the daughter in my womb may grow strong and ready to enter the world. Very different kinds of work, but work none the less.

Truth is, there is as many definitions of a good mother as there are mothers. We need not compare our situations and gifts to one another. Motherhood is not a competition. There need not be winners and losers. As mothers we love children, and therefore want all mothers to be winners.

We’re all working mothers. We are exactly the mothers our children need and we fulfill this call in many different ways.

Motherhood, in all its many forms is a high call and a lot of WORK. No ifs, ands, buts or “justs” about it!

Can’t Seem to Catch that Nesting Bug!

2011-03-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

At 34 weeks pregnant I am now officially the biggest I have ever been in my life. I’m not ashamed of my giant classification. In both my previous pregnancies I have just kind of looked bigger. I never had that “basketball belly” and was really envious of women who were all belly.

Let me tell you, the grass is NOT always greener on the other side. Sometimes it’s soggy, and muddy, and difficult to walk in. I do have myself a basketball. I am all belly, lots and lots of belly. I can’t bend or see my feet. I “let” my 3 year old “help” me make dinner tonight because she thinks its fun to bend down and get the pots and pans out of the cupboards.

As I hopped up onto the scale at the doctor’s office this week the nice med tech lady put the little marker on the 150 lbs notch! Let me tell you, her finger couldn’t slide that thing allll the way to the other end fast enough! I laughed out loud at her.

“Umm, thanks, but you can go right ahead and switch that up to the 200 notch down there” I said.

She didn’t respond. Must be protocol.

She does have my chart in her hand, right? I thought to myself.

I spent my entire appointment wondering if medical professionals have a whole day of class in their programs about NOT offending women on the scale. Because really, there is no way any person in their right mind would take a look at me and put that notch on 150. I’m still laughing. Not only am I huge, but I am also 5’9. That lady was insane, or blind.

The whole thing reminded me of the time my husband had to be given a “mesh shirt” to wear. He was having a 24 test done on his heart and the mesh shirt was supposed to hold the wires and leads hooked up to his chest in place.

This mesh shirt was one size fits all -at the children’s hospital - he’s 6’6.

“Don’t worry, it’ll stretch,” the lady hooking him up to the test said.

The mesh tank top was a neon green sports bra on his broad frame. He looked like a cross dresser on his way to a rave.

Up until recently we have been thinking we may move before baby makes her grand entrance. Now that we know we will be living in our current location when she arrives, I need to get down to business. This week’s events on the scale and the need to enlist a 3 year old as my sous chef have me thinking I’m running out of time. For crying out loud, we made dinner on the floor tonight so mama could rest. We were boiling raviolis. I had to sit and rest in the middle of putting water into a pot and dumping in raviolis. I turned it into a counting game for Tessa because I’m a mama, and we need to turn our lazy moments into educational activities for our children to get through the day.

I better get going before I become immobile. This basketball belly is so large there is impending danger that being upright may just cause me to topple right over. There are young ones underfoot here, I can’t be toppling over. Not when my house is this messy. Someone could be injured.

There is one problem. I just haven’t gotten that nesting bug. I’ve been bitten by it before. It makes a woman a crazy cleaning machine. The only time in my life I have ever cleaned behind an appliance has been while pregnant. I don’t naturally think of those things. I’m a pile maker and a pick up so I can redecorate or rearrange the furniture kind of gal. I need to be bitten by the nesting bug, and fast.

All the baby clothes are still packed in bins in our garage and we haven’t even thought about if we will be setting up the crib or the pack and play in our bedroom. I did order a new bouncy seat offline. It came 2 weeks ago. The huge box it came in sat in our living room and served as Tessa and Anna’s “bus” until just the other day when my husband took it out with the recycling. As for the bouncy seat, I opened the box. It’s now sitting in our bedroom unassembled.

I thought I had maybe been bitten by the nesting bug this afternoon. But, now here I sit. “Cleaning” out my stack of magazines in the lay Z boy and watching Grey’s Anatomy. I am clipping the coupons and tearing out yummy looking recipes. And, I will collect the magazines into a bag when I am done and ask my husband to take them to recycling after we all trip over the pile for a few days. So, it counts. Right?

**Prayer Bubby: Wow! I really need you! Thanks for all your prayers and PLEASE keep them coming. Lots of big things to be thinking and praying about over here right now. Hoping to post about some of them soon, but for now, thank you and please don't stop!**

My Sous Chef

Why I’m NOT giving up anything for Lent.

2011-03-08T18:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, don’t throw stones. Remember Lent is a time to grow in the love and peace of Christ.

I’ve spent a great amount of time praying and reflecting and what my Lenten sacrifices would be this year. In the process, I found even the exercise was not exciting me about a time for spiritual growth, but adding to my already large amount of anxiety about our current state in life.

This is not what the liturgical season is about. In the past I’ve attempted (with varying degrees of success) several difficult Lenten sacrifices and tasks. I never was one to give up sweats or something else I would simply count down the 40 days until I could partake in again. Instead, I have always seen the season as a time to attempt to change something about myself - be it a bad habit or an unhealthy mental reaction I’d fallen into regarding certain people or situations. A wise spiritual advisor had recommended giving up or adding something so difficult that only with the aid of God Himself I would have a chance of succeeding. Either way, when Christ arrives resurrected with Easter, I am marveling at the power of God in my life. I have either changed something about myself for good, or I have learned a valuable lesson about how fallen I am and how much I need Christ.

The truth is, this year, giving something up or adding something big is just too much for my already full plate. Our life is Lent right now. I’m not complaining. In fact the parallels between the Lenten season and our struggles right now are not lost on me. I am thankful my personal life is coinciding with the Liturgical year as over the last year the seasons of my life did not coincide with those of the Church and it left me feeling slightly separate from the community of believers.

Every possible life situation that could be up in the air right now for our family is. I know nothing about what our life will be in 2 months. The only thing I know is that we are having a baby. Joseph is working on his graduate thesis and we are hoping he will graduate the week after Easter. With his graduation comes the loss of his job (he works as a graduate assistant at the University), and thus the loss of our insurance. We had Joseph complete this master’s degree with the hopes of him getting a state/university job. That hope is currently lost/up in the air as we live in Wisconsin. If you don’t know what’s happening with the fighting over these issues in Wisconsin you must be living under a rock. Regardless of if we agree or not, the state is not currently hiring as its fate is up in the air.

Joseph is currently working so hard to finish his thesis and apply for jobs. I’ve put the purchase of anything and everything on hold in case there are months of unemployment. This means our van is still unfixed and I am going on 7 months of not having a vehicle. We also thought we would be moved by now as we thought we would know where he will be working and where we will be living. But that is up in the air as well and I am trying to make space in a 2 bedroom condo for a family of 5 because we will now be bringing home baby to what I call a “cracker box.”

Because of the insurance issue, Joseph will have his yearly heart appointments and our new baby will have her genetic tests the first week in May before our insurance runs out. I pray the baby comes in time and that Joseph’s health is holding strong, I can’t think of the alternatives – mentally or logistically.

These stresses have become a bit overwhelming for a really pregnant me. I know the emotions of pregnancy are to blame, but it’s become a lot to have on my plate. Joseph is really busy trying to finish school and take care of all of these things. The long winter, very small living space with no vehicle to go anywhere and the stress has gotten to me and I don’t think I’m my best self right now.

So, I won’t be giving anything up for Lent. Instead, I’ll try to best see the blessings in our life, look forward to the arrival of our third daughter and NOT let the anxiety and stress of everything else get to me as I have been allowing it to. So, my life is my Lent this year!

I do want to hold myself accountable, but also don’t want to be too hard on myself or deny my emotions. I am 32 weeks pregnant after all and the things on my plate are real concerns for our family. So, I’ll attempt to handle them in the most holy way I can and support Joseph is doing the same.

I do feel as though I may need a substitute for the fasting. Due to medical reasons for both of us, Joseph and I are not required nor could we uphold the fasting requirements of Lent. And, since our children are too young I don’t think I’ll focus on them in our home. Maybe I’ll attempt a cleaner kitchen. It is something I struggle with and food related.

This is the biggest Lent of my life; God has obviously set the stage for it to be. I’m not giving up a thing. I’ll just deal with life. Doing so with grace will be a huge success for me. And, it’s truly only possible with God at this point!

A blessed and peaceful Lent to you all!

PS – I joined the Lent Prayer Buddies this year! Prayer buddy, welcome! I’m so sorry you got me, you’ve got a lot of work cut out for you this Lent. Although I don’t know your name, please know I have already added you to my prayer list as well.

Clearly Anna Clare isn't worried. I need to take lesson from my soon to be middle child!

A Tale of Two Dresses

2011-03-04T01:12:00.000-08:00

Betty Beguiles recently challenged her fellow bloggers to reflect on their wedding dresses. What the dress said about us then and what our thoughts on the dress say about who we are today. Personally, the questions posed are about much more than fashion.

What I wore, how I chose it and how I felt wearing it reflect so much on my expectations going into marriage, and ultimately how I feel about expectations (and fashion) today.

I was far from a “Bridezilla.” I was over the moon to be engaged and excited about the wedding, but I preferred a small affair. My husband- to- be and my parents wanted a larger wedding. I knew I wanted to get married in my hometown. We met in the Church in my hometown and I thought it greatly romantic to be married in the very building we met. Unfortunately, that was not to be.

When it came to my dress I had two requirements. The color had to be the darkest shade of white that could still be called white. Alabaster is too kind a work for how very white my complexion is. I also have a great amount of almost black hair. An odd combination I am aware. Therefore, white is not the most flattering color on me. An ivory or wine shade of white was necessary. I also wanted a halter style dress. I find this fit the most flattering on me and I’m not a huge fan of strapless dresses in Church.

What I thought would be my wedding dress

To my complete surprise, my mother and I found the perfect dress in the tiny boutique in my small hometown. It was dark ivory lace in the halter style with a long train. It was also more than double what I thought I would spend. I won’t share the price because I am shamed! My mom cried when I tried it on. We ordered it on the spot and she purchased it for me. The wedding was planned and deposits were made.

A few months into our engagement we found out Joseph needed his first heart surgery. All the wedding plans that seemed to be so important melted away with the “honeymoon” carefree stage of new love. There were many decisions to be made and prayers to be said. At the last minute we decided to move up our wedding and get married before the surgery. We decided on a Sunday to be married the next weekend.

There were strong reactions. Some of our loved ones found the circumstances romantic and a testament to our commitment to each other and the sacrament of marriage. We believe strongly in the graces of the sacrament and knew we would need those graces for the hard road in front of us.

Others were less than supportive. Emotions were high and the sum of all the circumstances may have been a bit much for some. Things were said that made me feel like less than a bride. “It’s not a real wedding” seemed to be the theme of those not is support of our decision. This created a fashion emergency for me.

My fancy, lace covered, extremely expensive dress had not yet arrived and would not have been fitting for the somber/joyful small affair.

My maid of honor and mother put together a wedding in a week as I had just started a new job and was working 12 hour days. They suggested I go to a bridal store and buy something off the rack from the less formal wedding lines. It would be white and a wedding dress, but not too fancy for a small wedding. I should have listened, but all the fighting and opinions of others made me feel as though I had no right wearing a wedding dress.

I spent every night that week in the large bridal store. I would only try on bridesmaid dresses. I was so emotional I had to call my fiancé to come and pick me up one night as I couldn’t drive myself. Wearing what I thought was my best dress option; I asked my fiancé and his friend their opinion when they arrived.

“Umm, it looks like a bridesmaid dress, but you look nice” my fiancé said.

I threw a shoe at him. In public. Not that I encourage throwing shoes at people in the comfort of their homes either.

Other people’s reaction to the biggest, best and hardest time in my life was preventing me from knowing what I wanted for myself. And I was allowing it. I was frustrated. All the expectations I had for my wedding I had given up out of love, how could people think badly of me? It was my first and only identity crisis and the only time in my life I look back on with regret.

Two days before our wedding I walked into Fashion Bug on my lunch hour and purchased a dress off the clearance rack for $14.99. It was white, it had lace and it was from their “beach wedding” line. I did not love the dress. I didn’t even really like it. It was the only white dress I could find that didn’t look too much like a wedding dress but was still a wedding dress.

On our wedding day with my family

I didn’t feel beautiful on my wedding day. I didn’t have my dad walk me down the aisle. Although that is what I wanted, I feared it would have appeared to others too “wedding like”. Because of the circumstances I didn’t feel as though others thought I had the right to be happy on my wedding day.

The wedding itself was amazing and the kindness and generosity of the people who supported us was overwhelming. There were about 50 people present and the mass was intimate and gorgeous. The important aspects of the day were perfect.

The best picture of us together on our wedding day

But the fashion - that symbolized a huge compromise. I compromised myself by allowing others to define the circumstances of our wedding. I still pray I will forgive myself someday.

My expectations of others and their opinions of my life have greatly changed because of the lesson of the wedding dress. It was a lovely wedding. I’m so sad I didn’t embrace it as fully as I could have. I did learn a very valuable lesson. Joseph and I no longer care what others think of our choices. We pray about what we do and how we run our family and that is as far as the consulting goes. We protect this union.

The saga of my wedding dresses is a hard one for me. Like so many hard things in life, the experience was freeing. The regret and anger I have at myself over the situation haunts me and motivates me to be who I am and no one else. I no longer care about or allow the opinions or negativity of others to impact how I feel, especially when it comes to my own life. I’m so thankful we learned this lesson early in our marriage and before we had children. Because I have been so blessed by that clearance dress, I am growing to love it as well.

We kept our originally set wedding date and had our reception. My husband was feeling better after his operation and it was a joyous affair. And, because some of you have asked – yes, this is where I feel on the dance floor. I broke my leg in two places. I left in an ambulance strapped to a stretcher in a huge wedding dress. I don’t know why they called an ambulance. It may have something to do with the fact that several of the people making decisions had been drinking. It was midnight after all.

Since we did not walk in together on my wedding day, my dad walked me into the reception

With a college friend - right before I fell!

That night ended with a middle aged man trying to get me (and all of my dress) onto an X-ray table in the ER. I was wearing my fancy, expensive wedding dress. Made just for me. I told them they could just cut the darn thing off, but they wouldn’t do it. They said it looked too fancy and I may regret having them cut it off of me. Instead, I was mortified to have others called into the room, put iron aprons on and hold the thing over my head so they could X-ray my leg.

My older brother in the waiting room at the hospital. Poor guy has taken much heat for this SUPER funny picture

I had two weddings, and two wedding dresses. I was humiliated in both of them, but loved greatly in both of them as well. More importantly, I have one groom. And one very big lesson learned about protecting my joy.

With my groom. I love him so much we got married twice!

On the Day I Peed My Pants at Perkins.

2011-02-11T21:21:00.000-08:00

Yes, you read that correctly. Today will always be known as the day I peed my pants, badly, in public.

Earlier this week I saw the perinatologist and although everything is wonderful, my blood pressure is being a bit wonky and he upped my meds, again. My medication had just been increased two weeks ago, but my body didn’t seem to be responding.

It was actually my favorite appointment of this pregnancy as I had an ultrasound and was able to bring Tessa along to share in the growing excitement of the newest little girl joining our family. Tessa did such an amazing job sitting still and was a very willing participant in my exam. Her loving and intuitive nature took over and she reached out for my hand, leaned over to give me kisses and rubbed my legs and belly as the ultrasound was taking place. It was an amazing moment in motherhood for me. I was witnessing the kicks and hiccups of my youngest child growing strong within me as I witnessed my oldest daughter’s gifts bloom alongside our family. It was one of my favorite days of all time.

I have been sleeping a lot this week and chalked it up to the third trimmest getting the best of me. Nothing to complain about – I have an amazing husband who truly enjoys spending time with his children and allowing mama to rest. This morning I was up early and since we needed to run a lot of errands I asked Joseph if we could take the family out for pancakes. He agreed so we all got dressed, I took my medication and out the door we went.

The second the meal I’d been craving for a week was placed in front of me I knew there was something wrong. I had no interest in the omelet that has actually made appearances in my dreams over the last week. I became dizzy, starting seeing spots and knew I was going to be sick. As I stood up to make my way to the bathroom a strange feeling came over me and I understood I had no control over my own body. I’ve been sick before, but never felt an imposter in my own skin. And then it happened. On my way to the bathroom I peed my pants. I’m not talking the “little something when I laugh some moms get after having a baby or two” type of accident. I’m talking full on “Kindergarten teacher calls your parents to bring you new clothes” type of deal.

I made it to the bathroom where I became sick and realized I was shivering and the coldest I have ever been in my entire life. I knew there was something wrong.

A visit to my doctor confirmed that the medication had dropped my blood pressure way too low way too fast. I was admitted to the hospital and spent the afternoon in the hospital getting some fluids and some drugs to bring my blood pressure back up.

I am home and feeling fine, although I can’t shake the extreme cold feeling. When I was released from the hospital my blood pressure was back up to 113/65 which is still extremely low for me, but a lot better than it was earlier in the day.

It’s only been 12 hours and I am already laughing hysterically at myself – filing this day right at the top of my long list of embarrassing Holly moments right up there with breaking my leg on the dance floor at my own wedding.

I really would do anything for these little girls. There is nothing in the world that can compare to watching Tessa want to care for me as I lie on a bed and get an ultrasound, or hear Anna ask me to lift my shirt so she can give the baby a kiss. There is a sweat baby girl growing strong in “mama’s belly” who had a hard day alongside her mama, feeling lethargic because that is how mama was feeling, but who remembered to kick once the IVs were going to remind me she was starting to feel better as well.

Motherhood is hard. It’s hard because it’s amazing. I’ll do anything for the joys motherhood brings me, even if it means standing in a crowded restaurant as I pee my pants.

Baby "L" (Which may or may not be a little hint at her name!)

The Power of Space, the Value of Things.

2011-01-29T20:22:00.000-08:00

There are too many things in my life. They don’t only clutter up our limited living space, they clutter up my mind and feed the anxiety monster living within me. This monster only comes out to play when I am tired, run down, stressed out or have been cooped up for far too long during a Wisconsin winter. Darn anxiety monster knows when I am weak.

Pregnancy is always a great blessing for me because I have difficult pregnancies, which seem to increase in difficulty with their number. This may sound like a cross, but I can’t view it that way because I get far too much out of the experience to label it anything but positive and fruitful. I have grown (in many ways!) and learned so much about myself and my relationship each time we’ve been blessed with life.

This pregnancy has been hard. Really hard. Although I’m not sick from second pink line to delivering a pink little baby as I have been in the past, I am having many of the issues usually associated with 35 plus weeks pregnant at 26 weeks. I currently have a kidney infection, my blood pressure is up and I’m spilling protein. I’ve taken these things as a reminder to slow down and give myself a break.

When you’re a working mama, “break” is not generally in your vocabulary. There are too many things to take care of, keep up with and clean. Being blessed with the gift of being uncomfortable has given me some time to reflect and discern what our needs as a family really are.

The truth is, many of the things that need to be picked up and cleaned don’t really need to be in our living space at all. The children don’t need bins and bins of toys and I don’t need to keep every book I’ve ever read or every memento I’ve saved throughout my life.

These things aren’t just cluttering up our home. They feed the anxiety monster within me and when they run out of space in our home, they set up camp in my heart – stealing room in my soul that’s intended for honest and true things such as my relationships, dreams and faith.

In other cultures; three generations of a family live in the same amount of space we are currently calling home. It is written on a wife and mother’s heart to make a home for her family in whatever space they are living. It’s a spiritual gift ingrained within every women. Some cook great meals, some have a knack for decorating and the best of us make our homes comfortable for not only our family members, but for any visitor who knocks on the door. We desire for all who enter to feel as if our home is their home and as women we use our individual gifts to do so.

I was allowing things to steal this gift from me and turn me into a crabby mess, complaining about the space itself rather than what I am – or am not – doing with the space. This negativity was robbing me of the joys of family life in my home, and I was allowing it.

Pregnancy brings the gift of life into the heart of a family is so many different ways. For me, it’s complications have blessed me by lifting the fog in my spiritual life and reminding me that God’s granted me with the choice of how I view my life and my vocation. Tough times of stress and uncertainly are difficult when the temperature reads -4, the snow is falling and a family is cooped up in a small space. But isn’t time a beautiful gift! It is my choice, my vocation, to view this time of waiting for the new life of spring and the new life in our family as a period of preparation. We wait in anticipation and with joyful, not cluttered, hearts for the flowers to bloom and for our daughter to be born alongside the rebirth of the season of life.

In order to open our hearts and create the space for this joy, we knew there was only one thing we could do. We purged. We sold fifty percent of our DVD and book collections - only keeping classics appropriate to family life and our beliefs. We donated several bins of children’s toys and clothing and cleared a lot of space in our lives. I don’t miss a thing we banished from our home. Our wallets and our hearts are richer.

Our piles of things we sold to Half-\Price Books. The lady who paid me said she had never done a sale so big!

Tessa is all about babies right now. She has taken to building cribs out of legos for Mary and the Baby Jesus and "tucking them into bed" at night. We packed up the toys and clothing of the girls' to donate while they were sleeping and they have not noticed a thing missing!

Some Days the Rules are Different

2011-01-12T15:54:00.000-08:00

Children need schedules and structure. So say the experts who have time to get their doctorates in child rearing or pop psychology and you know, sit down and write a book.

I bet those people don’t have kids. Or have one, and a live in nanny. They don't have their 3rd daughter in 3 years on the way.

Look, I KNOW kids need to know what to expect. They need to know certain behaviors have direct consequences. I believe this, we parent this way. Almost every day.

some days the rules are different. Because some days the rent needs to be paid. Today is one of those days. Mama and daddy are both working from home today.

The girls are dressed, sort of. Their hair has not been combed and the afternoon snack was indeed rice crispy bars. Said bars were handed out while mama was really busy with an important e-mail. 15 minutes later I retreated to the bedroom to sit on the bed (which has dried pee on it from a three year old’s naptime accident) to make an important phone call. When I came out the girls were once again eating rice crispy bars for a snack.

“I just gave them a snack,” I said to my husband.

“Oh sorry,” he said.

Daddy was busy. He was working on an important e-mail and needed the gals to have a snack. It seems he has the same tricks I do.

So we can’t live like this every day. But, some days the rules are different. Pretzels, yogurt and left over pancakes just have to count as lunch some days.

Locking the girls in their room to play the game “you can knock on the door to be let out after every book and toy has been picked up and put away” must count as the afternoon activity once in a while.

Who’s with me?

Daybook – New Year 2011 Edition

2011-01-02T21:38:00.000-08:00

*and an update on baby Rutchik*

Outside My Window ...

It rained and all the snow melted, but it is oh so cold! On the plus side, our dead van has been towed into our garage. Does anyone know what to do with a dead van? We don’t want to put the money into fixing it, but it is a hard call as the week before it broke we put a lot of money into it. Grr.

***

I am listening to...

Nothing. The gals are sleeping. Joseph is working and I am “working” and enjoying some alone time on the computer.

***
To Live the Liturgy…

I am really feeling the lack of community I once found at Church. We have not officially joined a parish here. This is due in part to the fact that we are almost sure this is a temporary place for us. Once Joseph is done with school, we could move (again) anytime. Such is the economy! Before I get comments on the importance of joining a parish, I get it. I do. We are introverts and it takes a lot of work for us to build a community. I just don’t see the point when we don’t know where we will go to Church a year from now. But, I am hoping our next location will be permanent. We are leaning towards Catholic schools for our girls and I can’t wait for the community that will bring!

***

To be Fit and Happy….

Oh boy! I gained 5lbs the week of Christmas! I hadn’t gained any weight in the first half of this pregnancy, but I am making up for it now! I have never felt well enough to get the pregnancy hunger women talk about. I thought it was a myth. It is not, I assure you dear reader!

***

I am thankful for ...

A dear friend, and our two husbands who took the children last week so we could have a mama/work date at Panera. I am blessed with so many faithful women as friends. However, this friend is the only other writer/mama friend I have who truly feels her family is her first vocation AND feels called to a career in addition to her vocation. This has been a great blessing to me. She is a speaker and writer who recently revamped her blog, Women at the Inkwell. Go check out her New Year’s reflections. I promise you, if you’re a mama you will not be disappointed!

***
From the kitchen ...

I’m trying to get better about cutting our grocery bill. I’m too ashamed to even share what it has been these past few months. I know it is due to fast runs here and there, and laziness. So, for the first time ever I have planned our meals for the week!

Sunday: Salad and hot sandwiches for the Packer game
Monday: Breakfast for supper – pancakes, eggs and sausages
Tuesday: Roasted Turkey, potatoes, carrots
Wednesday: Turkey and wild rice soup, salad, rolls
Thursday: leftovers
Friday: Turkey burgers, Mac and cheese, apples
Saturday: Pizza

***

I am creating ...

Writing goals for the new year. I am currently only working on one assignment, but there are a few calls out with deadlines in the next month. The above friend and I are also working on a non-fiction book for mama’s.

***
I am reading….

I have continued my tradition of reading a classic over the Christmas break. I love classics and find myself more and more disappointed with my education in literature as I unlock these treasures I missed as a child! This year’s book is no disappointment! I am currently savoring the last chapter of Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. Where have I been? This book is amazing, and really messed up. Perfect for me!

***
Towards a real education ...

Continuing with our “book nerd” theme of life over here!

I made a special request for Christmas that the gift of toys be limited. The gals ended up loving the toys they got and, my dad did a wonderful job shopping for the gals off the list of children’s classics I gave him. Needless to say, we have been reading so many good books for little minds.
For myself, I have been putting a favorite childhood series on my Christmas list each year. Last year I received Anne of Green Gables and this year’s treasure was the complete Little House on the Prairie books.

Although I don’t feel the call to homeschooling, I strongly believe in education in the home and can’t wait to share these books (and some geeky activities to go with them) with my girls.

***

Bringing beauty to my home ...

Structure, calm voices and enough alone time for all so we can accomplish these things.

***

I am hoping and praying….

That as Joseph finishes up his thesis everything falls into place. Timing is big here as a baby is coming and this mama is done living in this state. I’m ready for stability. Finishing Joseph’s master’s degree was the right decision for our family, but I am praying the new year allows us to reap the benefits sooner in the year than later.

***

Around the house ...

Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Our tree died while we were away, so Christmas is all put away around here. It feels good.

***

One of my favorite things ...

The kicks I’m feeling from the baby. This one is a shy baby, but there is really nothing like feeling them kick.

***

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week:

Lots of work around the home and my job this week.

***

New Year’s Resolution/Word of the Year

I tend to keep my resolutions private. However, I am proud to say I met all of my writing goals for 2010! I am still working on praying about what they will be for 2011. The problem I am coming across is that for them to really grow beyond where I currently am, I am going to need time away every week to work. Joseph and I are talking about the possibility of getting a college girl once a week to come stay with the girls so I can go out and work. We’ll see what prayer and discernment bring. I also need to remember we will (God willing) be adding an infant to our home this year.

***

Baby Rutchik

Well, if by chance you are not on FB (find me if you are), we are expecting baby girl number 3 over here! I just knew it! We could not have avoided finding out if we wanted to. The first image that came up when she began the ultrasound was the “money shot.”

“And that is a baby girl!” I said before she even looked.

“Sure is!” the tech said.

We are really excited to stay “Joseph, Holly and the girls.” We were having a hard time with a name but think we have settled on something. The only issue is the name we picked is a name of many nicknames. Joseph is settled on using the later part of the name and I like a different form. I won’t share as I am sure we will change our minds. But, it has been over a week and I’ve started calling her by name when speaking with my husband. So, if her name is to be something else, it better strike us soon.

***

Picture Thoughts

I turned 30 over Christmas. Yes, 30. I thought it would be really hard but so far I am doing well. This is what it looks like to be 30 and pregnant with my 3rd daughter - in a bowling alley.

Two of the best blessings in the world on Christmas morning.

Once, twice, three times a lady?

2010-12-25T23:54:00.000-08:00

Last week I had my big 20 week ultrasound. I am happy to report everything is looking great with baby "String"! Baby is measuring a bit small, but no one seemed too concerned, so I decided to try not to be either.

The night before the ultrasound I wrote the following feelings on finding out the gender of the baby, something we have never done. This post appeared as a guest post on Mom vs. the Boys - a great blog about a mommy to all sons. Now that it has been posted over there, I thought I would share it here.

Many of you who are friends with me on facebook already know what we learned about the sex of the baby - but for those of you who don't know, I will post that tomorrow!

Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady?
I wasn’t a little girl who always had a baby doll, dreamed of her wedding day or had a mile long list of future baby names.

I was raised with brothers, “the rose between two thorns” my grandmother called me. Although I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of life I knew this much: if I was going to be a mommy, I’d have a house full of boys.

Never being a “girly girl” myself, I didn’t image ballet class, hair bows and emotional breakdowns over receiving the wrong color sippy cup.

My motherhood dreams had a different sort of theme. Frogs in the freezer and monster truck rallies sounded like good old fashioned family fun to me!

The man who became my husband had a similar dream. He briefly considered the priesthood, but knew it wasn’t right for his life because he wanted to be a father of a different sort. Just as mine did, his images of parenthood involved little boys….holding baseball bats.

While pregnant with our eldest child we both just “knew” a daughter was on her way and decided to wait for the birthday to find out. After all, “there are only so many real surprises in your adult life” as people say. But, after 28 hours of labor we didn’t care what came out of me, as long as it came out. When our daughter was born my husband almost passed out – he thought I had given birth to a still born son. In his defense the placement of an umbilical cord can be confusing at first glance, and his wife may have forgotten to mention to him that newborns don’t come out pink and snuggly. Therefore, the announcement of a healthy baby girl wasn’t as climactic as TV dramas about child birth had convinced me it would be.

Twelve months later we found ourselves checking back into labor and delivery. We had stuck by our decision that gender is to be learned when baby makes their appearance, but we knew it was a boy. Except, it wasn’t a boy. She was a girl. And in a matter of twelve months we had become a family of girls.

Funny thing about pink things, they tend to multiply – and migrate. What started as a closet in the nursery full of miniature pink clothing turned into a room of pink and glitter. A year later our living room is covered in the feathers that have fallen off a play boa and our cupboards are stacked with pink and flowered plastic dishes.

Last week at dinner my baseball loving husband found himself raising his voice to two little girls.
“That is a fork, NOT a magic wand! We use it for eating, not waving! The next girl to use their fork as a magic wand will have their baby taken away!”

I tried to hold in my laughter. But, the next morning when he went to put his shoes on he pulled out a balled up knot of costume jewelry. The look on his face had me in stitches for hours. Things are too fun over here. Clearly God knew better about what we needed than we did. I wouldn’t give these moments back for anything.

As the pink took over, the thoughts of rowdy little boys faded. In fact, the thought of those rowdy boys jumping on my furniture and running up my grocery bill has become a bit frightening. We love our little bubble of estrogen!

We’ve got thing figured out over here, being a family of daughters. Just as my two beauty queens have helped me find my own inner girly girl, we’ve decided to add to our family once again. And here I sit. 20 weeks pregnant on the eve of the big 20 week scan. The element of surprise has been lost on us and in the morning we will be asking about the gender.

The gender of the third baby has become a bit of an obsession. I’ve been counting down the days and may have even purchased the IntelliGender test. I knew I should have left well enough alone and was acting like a fool when I set off the alarm in the store and had to take the walk of shame, showing what is was I had purchased and that yes indeed, I had paid for it. There I was, red faced and holding a blue and pink box splattered with question marks and promises that it could tell me what color rompers to buy. I couldn’t wait the recommended 10 minutes to read the results. When the test read GIRL I didn’t know if I was excited or disappointed. I felt the same as I had an hour and an embarrassing trip to the drug store earlier. And I was $25 bucks poorer.

Everyone knows a pregnant woman holds the right to change her mind. My problem is that I don’t know what I want. I go back and forth daily. Do I want to hear “it’s a boy!” and fulfill my dream of mothering a sticky, dirt covered goof ball? Or, do I want things to stay the same and be the family of girls, which I have so grown to love? Am I ready to let go of that dream of long ago and replace it with the pink colored reality that has turned into a dream? Will I have more than 3 children, or is this the final say on the gender(s) we will parent?

All I know is that I feel like a child on Christmas Eve. Waiting with so much anticipation that no matter what the morning brings, it may also bring a bit of disappointment because the excitement will be over. Then again, with my luck, we’ll have a modest baby who doesn’t want to share.

But if I was a betting women, I’d go all in on baby gal number 3!

Two Years of Anna Clare

2010-12-20T09:34:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago my second daughter turned 2. I’ve been thinking a lot about a letter I wrote her the first week of her life. I wrote about how much I loved her, and how I was so excited to see what being her mom was going to mean for my life. I also observed that I didn’t feel as though I knew anything about her, except that I loved her. To be honest, two years later I still feel that same way many days!

Her daddy was convinced she would be a he. After much waiting and worry, she came fast and before we knew it, we had two daughters. Her arrival sent us into such a whirlwind we had a difficult time choosing her name. She just didn’t “look” like any of the names we had picked out.

She has been difficult to read from the time she started moving within me and she has been difficult to get to know. She didn’t arrive with the goal of making herself know as her sister did. She has her own world, and has a tough time inviting others in – or caring much at all about joining the rest of the world. For this I loved her instantly, and this has been the challenge of being her mother.

She’s smart. Not in the way that she will recite facts we have made her memorize as is generally easy to do with a two year old. She has no interest in sharing her knowledge to please us; or anyone else for that matter. She seeks knowledge. It’s the very air she breathes. She wants to know how things work and will destruct anything to make that happen. Things are for a purpose – and it is ingrained in her to figure out what that is and how it works. She doesn’t care much for the aesthetic appeal of things. She wants to take it apart and put it back together, its color means nothing to her.

At age 2 she is already skilled at any and all things wires and cords

Anna is as sweet and loving as a little girl can be. She needs no affirmation and takes no direction. An empty corner and a project to figure out does more for her little mind than an audience. We had no idea she knew all of her numbers and letters until I overheard her whispering under her breathe while I taught her sister. I never taught her, she taught herself, and that is how she likes it.

There is never any middle ground with her. She is all or nothing. She lives constantly on one end of the emotional spectrum and refuses being taught to move away from that way of life. This is my biggest concern for her, and one of my proudest moments as a mother. I don’t worry about the trouble she will get into as a follower. Her own impulses are way too strong to follow anyone else’s.

Who says a little girl must laugh and smile at her birthday party? Why do that when you can read a book alone!!

This makes her a difficult child to parent. She cannot be forced to eat or sleep. Still, at age 2, she is up 3 times a night. Sleep training continues to fail her. She has not yet learned to comfort herself, nor does she seek comfort from her parents. She needs to cry and scream for hours and must get out what she needs to get out. She’s uncontrollable in a brilliant way. We have no idea what to expect from her in life, and although it is a very tiresome way to live and we have grown weary since her birth, it has also been one of the greatest joys of my life. Her daddy and I joke about how every grey hair and worry line can be directly linked to her birth, but that she will be the child to make a discovery or cure a disease and fund our retirement.

She is loving and goofy, the most serious and the silliest. She has an amazing ability of communicating with large animals that is foreign to every other member of her family; yet communicating with people seems to be a struggle for her. Fearless and powerful, if there is one thing I know about her, it is that she will always amaze me.

She makes me a better person. She teaches me daily that God has a plan and that sometimes it’s hard, but still perfect. She gives wonderful hugs and her smile has the power to bring joy to me like no other.
I can’t wait for her to be a big sister this year. I just know she’ll be awesome at it – and she’ll do it in a completely original and surprising way!

Happy 2nd Birthday Anna Clare!

Mama as Memory Maker

2010-12-05T22:42:00.000-08:00

I had big plans for Tessa’s 3rd birthday earlier this month. I did that crazy mom thing. You all know what I’m talking about. When you get this idea in your head that a certain day or memory MUST be perfect and if it’s not your children will never remember a happy childhood? The pressure and motivation to avoid motherly guilt for eternity turns you into a crazy memory making animal ready to eat her own young if they don’t pose for that picture, smile and have a wonderful day? A day that will forever be branded into their memories next to where they remember you as mom of the year. Someone tell me it’s not just me. Anyone? A show of hands in solidarity – please….

Because my eldest daughter has inherited her photographic memory from her father, in the days leading up to her 3rd birthday I became obsessed with the notion that she may be able to remember her 3rd birthday all the days of her life. I decided allowing her to decorate her own cake, compete with making all the color and flavor choices would be the perfect gift for a girl who is 3 going on 30. What better present than to encourage her greatest gift – being the boss!

I hyped up the activity for the entire week leading up to the big birthday. She settled on yellow cake in cupcake form, chocolate frosting and that there MUST be purple glitter covering every cupcake. Mom of the year was within my grasp and I began patting myself on the back before the cupcakes were even mixed.

Unfortunately, my back had other plans. Little gal number 2 did some climbing onto the bathroom counter and my pregnant self decided it was wise to climb up after her to retrieve her thus saving her from any harm. It was the natural response – being mother of the year and all. Baby girl and I came tumbling down, throwing out my back and landing on my swelled tummy.

I was in a bad way and unable to move. I crawled to our brand new couch and there I stayed for the duration of the day. Once the pain subsided a bit I began to cry hysterically that the cupcakes hadn’t been made and I had ruined Tessa’s 3rd birthday. My ever supportive husband offered to make the cupcakes himself but I would have none of it. I had promised the birthday girl. Instead of trying to rationalize with a clearly distraught pregnant woman, my husband gathered every material necessary for cupcake baking and delivered them to the coffee table sitting in front of the new couch we had delivered that morning.

It took a while for Tessa, my rule follower, to warm to the idea of baking in the living room. Once she realized it was indeed allowed (just this once!) she felt as special as any three year old girl could.

It was a very happy birthday and as soon as dinner was served (on the couch) and the candles were blown out – this mama headed off to the ER. Sure enough, my discomfort was no laughing matter. I was having contractions! An ultrasound tech was called in to do a check on the baby and I was given some good meds to settle me down and make me more comfortable. Because the ultrasound tech wanted to double check everything was going well with the baby, she decided while we were observing baby we could try to find out the sex. I was elated!

Baby was doing well, but overly modest! So, no news on that front. It was a bit of a tease as we have never found out the sex of a baby before birth and are excited that this go around we’re going to try it out. Thankfully, I was too relieved and feeling too blessed to be all that disappointed.

The day definitely did not go as expected, but turned out to be such a blessed day for our growing family. I was reminded that I have the exact man God knew I needed as my husband, I watched 2 little gals blow out candles and get messy with frosting and I even got a sneak peak at our newest little blessing.

My husband’s ability to embrace the reality of the day and make the most of a bad situation created a better memory than the one I had scripted in my over obsessed head.

Three Years

2010-11-27T00:10:00.000-08:00

Excuse the absence. We have been traveling the better part of this month. Joseph was away for a work conference so the gals and I headed off to my hometown for some time with family. Immediately following my dad had surgery and Joseph and I were away with him while the gals stayed with grandma.
I’ve many blog posts ready to post about our time away, but instead of advertising to the world that our home was sitting vacant - I decided to wait until we returned to share the adventures of being away from home with little ones for a prolonged period of time!

The day before our adventure began we celebrated Tessa’s 3rd birthday. What a blessing these three years have been. Many mothers who came before me have stated that once you become a mother, you forget what it was like to not be a mother. This is one of life’s greatest truths, and one I pray for every women to experience.

I distinctly remember the moment this little firecracker changed my life for the better. I often replay that moment in my mind like an old time movie too moving for sound. I had a feeling she would be a she, mostly because I was scared to death of raising a daughter. She has been God’s greatest teacher for me right from the beginning.

Our first look at parenthood.

She was the baby that wasn’t supposed to be. There she sat, tucked away under my heart when a doctor who didn’t know anything about Joseph’s health told us she or any others may not be a possibility. Imagine how a little pink line surprised us a week later. Some weeks later an ultrasound showed there was no baby and another doctor told us the pregnancy was not viable. Masses were said, prayers were heard and a week following an ultrasound showed a nine week old baby thriving. I was surprised. Now that I know the little girl God has gifted us with I know I shouldn’t have been surprised at all. The week following my husband and I speed off the highway and down the overpass. Our van totaled and my face on the unlucky end of an airbag – but our little Tessa, asleep in her mama. The world and what is “supposed to be” has never held power over her. It never will. She’s too happy, too spirited, and too sassy to follow any type of conventional thought – or wisdom for that matter.

On her first birthday - a few weeks before she became a big sister.

The Lord has great plans for this little girl. She’s an “old soul.” Already more intuitive and observant than her parents, she became a big sister at 12 months and was ready to run our home by age 2. She is striking in looks and in personality. Recently in love with any sort of princess she recently had her first viewing of Snow White in which her response was simple and true: “She is a princess. She is pretty because she looks like Tessa.” Tessa is filled with joy and the tenacity to challenge anyone who tries to define it for her or steal it from her. Her heart yearns for knowledge and to nurture. She prides herself on being “a lady” and announcing her beauty without arrogance and with joy – never forgetting to notice and acknowledge the beauty in others.

On her second birthday

This year, God willing, she will become a big sister once again. She already talks of changing diapers and giving bottles. “I want to talk about babies” she often says to me, curls bouncing. God knew what he was doing when he paired her with her younger sister. They are opposites but have the greatest love for one another. When they reach out for each other to hold the other’s hand I see in her the greatest gift. She loves because that is what she was born to do. It is my life’s work to protect that in her. To never let her give that up, never let it be taken from her. It’s the tallest of orders. The call of every mother and it’s worth every minute of it.

Look who's 3!!

Spring Baby

2010-10-22T23:23:00.000-07:00

We’re having a spring baby! Both of our daughters were born in November and last Christmas we experienced a miscarriage – so we’re really excited to welcome a spring baby into our family. We recognize and enjoy the connection to the season of new, blooming life.

I haven’t yet written much about the loss of our baby last Christmas. It is something I hope to do in the future as the story is just beyond beautiful.

I love the Christmas season dearly and count down the months every year. Last year was a difficult year with Joseph’s surgery and to celebrate making it through a hard year; we booked a trip to Las Vegas for my birthday, which is Christmas week. While on vacation I had a miscarriage. We were devastated, and my birthday and Christmas were a blur. I just wanted to get through.

Before I go into all the pregnancy talk, I want to address a beautiful community of women I have gotten to know through the wonderful blogging world. After the holiday season last year, I came across a group of Christian bloggers who struggle with the cross of infertility and/or loss. They are inspiring. They support and pray for each other. Some of these women are still not holding babies after many years of marriage and many losses. I truly believe God gives the cross of infertility to the strongest women among us, because I have never met such inspiring women. Although I do not share their cross, I have so enjoyed getting to know them and have been offering up all my pregnancy discomforts for them. If reading about another new pregnancy is hurtful to any of you, please feel free to stop reading now, and know I continue to pray for when you too will hold a baby in your arms.

I found this pregnancy question sheet on a few blogs and thought it was cute!

How did you find out about the baby to be?
It was awesome! I found out on our anniversary and surprised Joseph by writing the news in his card! We are due Mother’s Day Weekend which is also the anniversary of the day we got engaged!

How far along are you?
Today was my 12 week appointment! I did have an ultrasound at 8 weeks to confirm and see a heartbeat. At that point we told our families (and I may have slipped to a few friends). We have never waited until the second trimester to tell before and man, it has been sooo hard!

How are you feeling?
Umm. Not the best. But, I think I am turning the corner and I’m thankful for the symptoms as they reassure me that baby is still in there.

How much weight have you gained?
I’ve lost 15 lbs. I know, yikes. I got in a bit of trouble at the doctor today. BUT, I sleep so darn much and just can’t bring myself to eat. Even water makes me sick. I have to say, I am not too worried. I have plenty of weight. Not that I want to be feeling this icky, but I think it is a blessing, I really can’t gain too much and losing so much in the beginning sure does help!

Food Cravings?
No craving, but I have an aversion to some of my favorite foods and it makes me sad. I could LIVE off popcorn normally, but now the thought of it – ick!

Gender?
Ummm, I’m 50/50. With both my girls I really thought it was a girl. This time I am 50/50. I don’t really care at all. But, this time we are going to find out! We have never done that and I am so excited! We are due the week Joseph is set to graduate which means he has a master’s thesis to write while this baby grows. So, this time we want to know. I’m so excited to know that I’ve even looked at that gender prediction kit at Walgreens. I confessed to Joseph and he was semi on board until I told him it is about $30. Then he said no. Can’t make any promises if I am out shopping by myself though! Not sure if we will share the sex of the baby or not.

Concerns?
Oh yes! Being pregnant after a loss is really stressful and I am trying not to allow that worry to take me over. I asked for my progesterone to be tested right away and it was low. I had to beg my doctor to put me on the progesterone pill (she does not believe in progesterone therapy and I can’t find a doctor around here who does). She also does not believe in monitoring the progesterone so she put me on it for the first trimester and won’t order a blood draw. It stresses me out, but I have done all I can do. Please don’t leave me any scary comments.
Going from 2 to 3 children also really scares me. But, in a good way.

Joseph and I always take a picture together upon learning of another new soul in our family. Please excuse his half dressed attire. He didn't know what he was coming home to :)

Names?
We have had a boy’s name picked out since before we were married – so we are still sitting on that. Girl names are hard when you are on number 3! I don’t know if we will tell until the birth, but so far these are the names we like:
Monica (her feast day is our wedding day and the day we found out about this baby)
Rebeca (if we call her Becca it would fit with our other 2 girls, Tessa and Anna)
Lydia
Elizabeth (my middle name and my mom’s name - with one of the following nicknames: Ellie, Ella, Lizzy)

We’re so excited. I’m still really worried about baby, who Tessa is adamant we name String. So, any prayers or positive thoughts you could send our way would be much appreciated. I haven’t let myself get excited yet, but now that our news is out I am starting to feel like we are having a baby! It is a wonderful feeling, but I’ve been trying to protect myself and prepare for the worst. I just can’t keep doing that. So, prayers, please!

On Motherhood

2010-10-06T23:52:00.000-07:00

Recently my attention has been drawn (in some pleasant and not so pleasant ways) to the differences between myself and the women I call my “peers.”

I’ve been drawn to reflect on my lifestyle due in most part to the extreme reactions I’ve received from friends recently. A few have e-mailed with questions of how I do so much in addition to being a mama. Some seeking advice and some sending notes of thanksgiving – filled with hope that they too may soon be busy mamas. I’ve also disappointed a few friends who seem dissatisfied with how much of myself (and my time) I can commit to them.

One of my favorite Catholic blogger mamas, Elizabeth Foss has a beautiful post about the type of women/wife/mother she is appearing on her blog this evening. Although we are indeed quite different (she’s a seasoned mama with 9 children), I see myself in the sentiment she’s expressing.

Our family calendar speaks volumes to who I am as a women and a mama. I refuse to overbook or fill up our days. More than 3 obligations in one week (even social ones) might as well be a prison sentence to me. I’m an introvert, and so is my husband. We parent as introverts. We’re not signed up for Gymboree, playdates and storytimes at the library. Of course social and educational activities are important and we do make room for them, but I am very selective. When we do something social, it usually takes us an entire day to recuperate – so I build that time into our lives.

We are very close with a family of extraverts and this summer we spent the 4th of July with them. The kids played outside, we took them to the park, grilled out, did some sparklers in the driveway and then drove to see the town’s fireworks later that evening. It was a full day of fun followed by a sleepover. The next day I felt like I’d been hit by a bus. My energy was gone and my kids wanted nothing more than to watch a DVD. My friend came out of her room with her 3 children dressed in another patriotic outfit and they started packing up to go to the parade. A parade! It was 9:00am! Thankfully my friend knows how I operate and I didn’t need to think of an excuse not to go. They headed out and my family stayed in their home, napping and relaxing. Sometimes I wish we could go go go and I know we miss out on some wonderful things, but it doesn’t make us happy. My friend needs those types of things (and so do her children) to keep their family running smoothly and to keep everyone happy. For us, we aren’t loving to one another when we are living that way, so for us I know I am doing what is best.

We recharge alone and at home. For myself, and for my family, I protect this recharging time like a mama bear. I don’t feel an obligation to return phone calls and e-mails in a timely manner nor do I commit myself to weekly conversations with friends. This is not, in any way, a reflection of how I feel about those friends; I just simply love my family more. I know if I did answer every e-mail and return every phone message that our family would suffer, and I am not willing to do that. I know myself very well, faults and all.

I also approach motherhood a bit differently. Although I do love to cuddle with my girls, I can’t stand having someone “on” me all day long. Attachment parenting is beautiful, but God did not make me that type of mother. I don’t long for a tiny baby that needs their every need attended too and if there is a child in my bed, I’m not sleeping. That period of motherhood is a large sacrifice for me. I’m loving in other ways. My gifts are intuition and council. These gifts are better used with older children. For example, every single thing I do in the kitchen is narrated and then shown to Tessa. She is then given the opportunity to do it herself. So, every dinner and every batch of cookies takes twice as long as it does in another home. She doesn’t just get to “stir” to playcat her. She cracks the egg herself and dumps it in the bowl. If there are shells, she is then taught how to dig them out. This is how we operate every day in the kitchen. Everything takes twice as long and creates twice the mess, but at 2 and a half she could recite to me, step by step, how to make many of our standard meals and – chocolate chip cookies. This time is precious to me and I give up other things in order to have it.

She also comes to me with things she would like to talk about. She knows she is not going to get a water downed answer. We have very real conversations and I commit a lot of time to these real conversations. We are strong and consistent in our discipline and following a consequence, there is a loving conversation because I want to understand why a wrong choice was made and help them to understand why their choice was wrong. So, a simple fight between 2 little girls can turn into an hour long event in our home, but in the end everyone not only understands each other, but everyone feels loved. I do not answer my phone during these times.

I am also a work at home mama. I actually really love my job. I don’t care for the amount of work I have. But, I have to say, even if we were extremely independently wealthy I still think I would continue this job (with slashed hours, of course). Not only do I put in hours with my job, I am also a freelance writer. This past year has been a good one for me writing wise and we now count on a few hundred dollars of our monthly income from my freelancing. This is a personal choice that was very hard for me to make. It does cut into my family time and it certainly has affected how much time I have for friends and social activities. However, after much personal prayer by me and my husband, we feel I am called to pursue this dream. It is not one I talk about often, but one I must begin acknowledging as it is affecting my life and the amount of time I can give outside of my family.

To those who wonder how I do all that I do, there are sacrifices. Chances are I am not nearly as social as you are and my house is probably not as clean as yours! We are creative spirits over here and sometimes projects and ideas pick us up and carry us away leaving our laundry pile high and our fridge empty. But, that is who we are, and I will not apologize for it because I love it. One week we’ll learn to sew, the next we’ll be painting. Some nights I’ll stay up all night long because inspiration has struck and if that means the girls stay in diapers the whole next day because mama is resting on the couch – then so be it!

The best we can do for our children, in my opinion, is to embrace who God made us to be and show them it’s ok to do the same. I laugh because in my life I have always been very close with people who would call themselves “type A.” I think there is something about the structured and OCD type personality that must be amused or intrigued by a person like myself. I have had wonderful relationships with many “type As” in my life. However, they seem to really love me for a time and then in the end, I wind up driving them crazy!

Truth is, the world needs us all! God has designed and made each one of us beautifully to reflect Him in different ways. We have so much we can learn from one another. God knows that. I have proof. I’m almost sure my first born is a “Type A” herself. She reminds us to put things away in the fridge and turn off lights when we leave a room.

When she was asked to help pick up today she responded, “Ok, mama! Who’s coming over?” No one, for the record!

She keeps us in check and we remind her that mistakes are ok and sometimes it’s fun to get messy.

What kind of women/mother are you? Are your days structured or is yesterday’s oatmeal still on your kitchen table?

One of THOSE days!

2010-09-08T18:10:00.000-07:00

It’s been one of those days over here! You know the kind, nothing HUGE goes wrong, but every little thing adds up to the point where for a brief moment you think frustration just may take your life?!

I’m currently in the middle of too many projects and therefore not getting a darn thing done! Productivity needs to be a perfect storm for me. Having too much on my plate sends me into a panic mode that makes me lazy, tired and well, unproductive. Yet, not having anything to do does the same to me. I need the perfect amount of things on my plate to force me to be productive yet not overwhelm me. Don’t worry, I am aware of how high maintenance I am – as is my husband.

Funny thing though – life does not cater to me! Crazy I know! It seems every mama I know is chasing “balance” like it is something we’ll find in the back of our unorganized closet or at the bottom of the laundry pile.

I do know I have been craving more time to be a mom. Of course, I’m a mom every second of my life and forever more. But, my dreams outside of my family seem to be fading into the background – for now. I still have dreams, but lately I’ve been wishing I could just focus all of my attention on my family my home and my children. Projects, cooking and the education of my gals are at the top of that list.

I’ve been praying at lot lately about really appreciating the moment I am in and not wanting or planning for the future. My children have gone through a TON of changes this summer and as we transition into fall, I can’t help think about the fact that they are getting older and I will never have a 2 and 1 year old again. I want to hang onto this moment. My TO DO list seems to haunt me all day and all night and I don’t enjoy any moment of the day because I feel I can’t until the TO DO list is done. I think a bit more structure and some prayer about what actually needs to be on that TO DO list is in order!

Today was a hard day for me. I was so stressed out about the TO DO list that not one thing got done – other than stressing. Other things came up that needed attention and although things were accomplished, they weren’t the things I wanted accomplished for the day. I did take a moment in the car this evening to appreciate the fact that we got to the bank and took care of depositing a few checks I had been collecting. But, as I was enjoying the feeling of accomplishment, I got a bloody nose! The only thing in the WHOLE car I could find to help stop the bleeding while we were driving down the highway: a diaper! So, there I was, an overwhelmed mom holding a diaper to her bleeding face! But, all things have a silver lining: my hubby decided tonight we should go out to eat! God sure knew what I needed in a husband. Joseph loves to take things off my plate and place them on his own. Even though his plate is often fuller than mine!

What about you? Are you living in the moment? What do you do to move on after one of THOSE days? Ever used a diaper to stop a bloody nose?

A happy thought from my week: Tessa caught wind that some little ones were going to school this week. So she got herself "ready" to go herself. Anna loved it!

Book Review: The Thorn by Beverly Lewis

2010-09-07T21:37:00.001-07:00

The Thorn is the first book in the Rose Trilogy by Beverly Lewis.

Beverly Lewis knows the Amish, and she knows how to write a trilogy! After reading Seasons of Grace and The Courtship of Nellie Fisher, I was impressed but slightly worried I would soon bore of of these three-book series with the same backdrop.

I was mistaken. Lewis contiunes to find new and interesting ways to lure the reader back into the Amish day-to-day of Lancaster County and continues to find new and interesting secrets and questions of faith for her charachers to struggle with.

Rose, her sister, and her bad-girl friend are three wonderful examples of Lewis' ability to create different characters and weave them into the same community, trilogy after trilogy. Similarity to her other works is enough for the reader to find comfort in what they are picking up to read , yet the characters' problems, secrets and faith journeys are fresh yet relatable. Most of all, they keep you turning the pages.

There is a maybe courtship, a Bishop's son, a marriage in question, a few decent twists and, as always with Lewis, a good clifhanger that will make you ask, "When is book 2 in the Rose Trilogy coming out?"

I find Beverly Lewis a breath of fresh air from the boring, predictable and lackluster options in women's fiction these days. Instead of spewing propaganda on how to fool a man into loving you, how to steal a man or how to have a baby without a man like sooo many books in women's fiction right now, Lewis writes of universal themes amidst a backdrop of a way of life so seemingly different from our own.

The Thorn continues to ask questions of life, love, family, and faith that all Lewis' books center on in a new and exciting way.

***Thanks to Bethany House for providing me an advance copy of this book for review!***

TRUST - God has a plan for your marriage

2010-07-30T21:49:00.001-07:00

"Trust me," little girls whisper as they extend tiny pinkie fingers in exchange for big secrets under blankets at slumber parties.

"Trust me, it will only hurt for a little bit," pleads a mama trying to comfort a fearful child as she cleans a scrapped knee.

"Trust me, I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you," a young man declares with shaking hands as he places a ring on the finger of his blushing bride-to-be.

With the divorce rate creeping closer to 50% it is imperative all who are married, or hope to one day be married, spend time contemplating what is needed to build and sustain a successful marriage.

Marriage is a road sign to heaven. Each spouse wants only what is good for their partner. They sacrifice and work to lift their partner up in ways that are affirming and good for the person they love. Sometimes one spouse is down and in need of some extra TLC from the other. When one is weak the other is strong - because they must be. They take the extra weight off of their partner and put it onto their own shoulders. They pick up the cross. They do so because they love, and because they trust that when the time comes, the weight will be lifted from their shoulders by the one who loves them in return.

Just as Christ emptied Himself fully, giving His life for the Church, married people are called to do the same for each other. In order to let ourselves be loved we must let our spouse fully know us and we must commit to fully knowing our spouse.

How often do you trust someone with your life who doesn't know you?

As annoyed as I get with the well meaning women in the church pew or the grocery line who make a living dispensing unsolicited advice, I tend to take their comments with a grain of salt. Now - if my best friend or husband calls me out on something it tends to sting a bit harder. Why? Because they know me and I trust they have my best interest at heart.

Who knows you better than the one who made you or the one who vowed to love you forever?

So what happens when we are not willing to give ourselves fully? What happens when we take the focus of our love off of how we can serve God by loving and serving the person we vowed our life to and we shift that focus inward, toward self-service?

Marriages fall apart. Society prides itself on free sex and instant gratification. We live on credit and are told we can define everything for ourselves. We drown in a pool of choices and we call it freedom.

This does not work. I can confidently say it does not work for anyone, but unfortunately, that is currently not very PC of me, but I'll say it anyway. It does not work. I can't wrap my mind around our modern culture's view of "feminism."

Stealing my spiritual gift by pumping my body full of chemicals or "allowing" me to make a "choice" I wasn't created to have to face is not "freeing."

A woman's spiritual gift is motherhood. No, we will not all physically give birth and feed a baby at our breast. But we were born as a women for a reason. God has a beautiful plan for us. Some will spend nights snuggling little ones, some will serve in a nurturing role in the world in another glorious way. These are our gift and one is not higher than another. To change the physical chemistry of a women's body with hormones to suppress this gift by convincing the body it is pregnant so that it won't become pregnant doesn't sound too empowering to me. To create barriers such as condoms and other artificial birth control devices and plant them in the middle of the marital act is not self-giving! It robs a women of her spiritual gifts. It robs a marriage of it's very essence - self-giving love. It is disrespectful to to ourselves and the person we claim to love fully. It is disrespectful to Christ who did not place a barrier between Himself and His love for us.

A self-giving relationship is difficult, humbling and fruitful. It's that last word where couples often stumble. Fruitful. No, this does not mean your last name must be Dugger or you aren't fully giving your life over to your spouse or to God. For some a self-giving marriage rooted in prayer has led to the discernment of a call to a large family. This is wonderful - but by no means does it define a better or holier marriage than the family who struggles with infertility or the couple who has prayerfully discerned one or two children.

Due to many circumstances my husband and I know we are not called to an extra large family. But we have been blessed because we have grown together as we've prayed and educated ourselves in the practice of NFP (Natural Family Planning). We don't pop pills or allow barriers into our marriage because we "know" what is best for us. We continually pray. We have practiced time periods of abstinence. We have grown stronger and learned more about each other through the practice of NFP and the times we were called to abstain.

"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans" is a popular saying for a reason. Just because we will not have 10 children does not mean we will not be called as parents in other ways. We do not shut ourselves off to this. We continue to pray, discern and invite God into our marriage.

This week is National NFP Week. This year's theme is: TRUST God has a plan for your marriage. In our home it is very fitting to celebrate NFP this week for a few reasons. This week in our liturgy we celebrate Saints Joachim and Anne, parents of Mary mother of our Lord. I'm so glad they chose to give themselves fully in their marriage. In doing so, they were blessed in becoming the grandparents of Jesus! Our youngest daughter, Anna, was named in honor of their example of faith.

This week also marks the due date of our 3rd child, Emanuel Elizabeth who we lost to miscarriage over Christmas. I am confident in sharing that without the marital lessons we have learned through our practice of NFP (greater communication, vulnerability, and solidarity to name just a few) we wouldn't have been able to come out on the other side of a difficult and trying time. We were blessed with what we learned about our faith, our marriage and responsible parenthood during the short time I carried that child in my womb. We were able to turn the grief of that child into an opportunity to see the blessings in our loss. The blessing of a new soul in heaven due in part to us giving ourselves fully in our marriage and the blessing of grief has created a stronger marriage. I am a better wife and mother today because I am the mother of a child I will not hold in this lifetime.

TRUST - God has a plan for your marriage!

He really, truly does. I love my husband more than I could have ever dreamed. We are best friends. We have one of those relationships - the kind that makes people sick. That being said, I could not do this marriage thing without faith. I trust we are joined together by God and that He gifted us with each other to help navigate our way through life to heaven. I don't know how other people do it without God and with the addition of man made barriers preventing them from being completely self-giving.

The truth is - people aren't doing it. The divorce rate is astronomical and prenuptial agreements are a normalcy. People are entering into marriage with a fail safe and a heart open to the possibility of failure. With those things on the table marriage will not survive.

If you're never looked into NFP I encourage you to do so. Do a little research and I promise you will be AMAZED at how much you will learn about your body, your fertility and the wonderment of God! That alone is worth a look.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

Basic info on NFP

Couple to Couple League

Humanae Vitae (On Human Life)

The Sixty Dollar Panda

2010-07-12T22:44:00.000-07:00

I have a new best friend! After much thought, Joseph and I have decided to name the newest member of our family Sixty the Panda.

The story of how Sixty the Panda came into the Rutchik namesake is a good one. Before I tell it, I thought I would share a few of our most recent family photos.

This is Anna loving Sixty.

This is what Tessa looks like when we talk to her about how she needs to share Sixty with her sister.

Sixty loves story and prayer time before bed.

Sixty loved watching the fireworks as a family this past 4th of July.

Here is the story of how Sixty the Panda became a Rutchik:

Not so recently Joseph's family came to town to spend a Saturday with us. We shoved the mess into our bedroom, cleaned the common areas are prepared for a fun day with family. We took the girls out to eat. After we were done Joseph and his mom would bring the girls home and put them down for their afternoon nap while my SIL and I snuck out to catch an afternoon movie.

To be honest, I had been looking forward to seeing this movie with my SIL for weeks and as we snuck away from the girls and dodged out the door of the restaurant, I had one of those "I'm free!" moments every mama longs for when alone time has been sparse for a bit too long.

The movie was great and SIL bonding was had. But, like most mamas, once I felt that "free" feeling for a half hour - I really missed my kids. I opened the door to my home expecting big hugs from my gals. Instead I was greeted with a little story.

It seems Tessa threw a mega size fit on the way home from the restaurant (why we EVER tell ourselves it will be ok, just this once, to take her somewhere during nap time I will never know). Joseph was holding her hand when she decided to collapse and refuse to walk into our front door. She went down fast. Tessa was on the ground, but her little hand and little arm was still with Daddy. Joseph heard a pop. Tessa was in a lot of pain and so Joseph and his mom decided a trip to the ER was in order.

We literally live next door to the emergency room so off Daddy and Tessa went. Joseph reports that by the time her name was called all the attention of the folks in the waiting room had sucked the pain right out of her arm. She was giving high fives.

She is fine. It seems her little elbow popped out, was popped back in and all was well. Joseph was sent home with some papers with some medical lingo that translates into "take it easy" and a bill for our deductible: $60. Tessa was sent home with high fives and a stuffed Panda. Our Sixty dollar Panda!

Just like most homes with the pidder padder of tiny feet, we have tons of stuffed animals. Most of them collect dust on the shelves and take up my closet space. Sixty the Panda is different. Tessa clutches that Panda like it's her trophy. The second she puts him down he is scooped up by Anna who loves him so hard I worry his little head may just pop off. "Baby!!!" she screams.

Neither of our girls have ever taken to an item as their "comfort" item. There are no blankies or binkies in this house. Oh we tried! Oh did we try. We've tried every trick in the book to get Anna to attach to something in hopes she would learn to use it to comfort herself in the night when she wakes and scream 27 times between the hours of 8pm and 6am. She never had an interest in anything. The closest we came was items of Daddy's "used" clothing. I'm fairly confident there is a sweater he will not get back. I guess they are never too young to start going for your clothes!

But now we have the Sixty dollar Panda! It seems both our daughters have claimed it as their comfort item! This has led to interesting lessons on sharing and some crazy conversations between my husband and I. Who ever though we would be giving thanks for paying $60 for a stuffed animal!? If anyone wants some stuffed animals, I would consider offering to pay $60 for them to be removed from my home! But, this Panda is magic. We're talking Buzz Lightyear and Woody magic over here.

So, the question at hand - how long before we can take one of the girls back into the ER to get another one of these things? I mean, we are by no means wishing ANY ill will on our girls. Believe me, we've had enough of that over here. Most of Joseph's medical care (sniffles, cuts ..) is done in the ER because even when something little happens he needs immediate attention. I'd even be willing to fake a little something and go in, but I don't think they give Pandas to parents. We also don't want to take anyone in too soon, least we get a call from social services wondering why our kids are in the ER so much. I'd end up on some news program as one of those moms who makes their kids sick for attention. Really all I want is another Panda. We need it, we really do. I'll pay the $60!!

Thou Shall Not......

2010-06-09T20:26:00.000-07:00

Recently, on a long family drive, Joseph and I pulled off the highway to grab a sandwich. Not wanting to wake the gals who were happily in the middle of a much needed nap, Joseph parked in a Subway parking lot and sent me in for our sandwiches.

I stood in line waiting for my sandwich among the construction and farm workers of the small town. As I looked out the window of the sandwich shop to the town's only stop light, I noticed a women dressed all in black getting out of her black, fancy car.

"She's clearly a traveler as well," I thought to myself.

She stepped up to order her sandwich and pushed her sunglasses from her eyes to the top of her head, tucking her hair behind her ears. The silver on the side of her glasses caught the sunlight. As I was admiring her glasses, I realized the silver on the side was a label: Dolce and Gabbana.

"That figures," I thought to myself. I always see something I love and then find out it's a designer, top of the line, top dollar item. When I first started driving I kept seeing certain cars on the road I would fall in love with. Upon doing some research, I learned the 2 cars I was coveting were BMWs and Saabs.

And there is the magic word: covet.

"Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's goods," reads the 10th Commandment.

Coveting was exactly what I was doing. Fancy and lovely as this women was in her Dolce and Gabbana shades, and as much as I would love to be wearing a pair myself, I recalled how blessed I was. Waiting in the car for me were two sleeping angels and their daddy, a better husband then I ever dreamt of. I thought of how blessed we were to now be able to pull off the road and purchase sandwiches and sodas, something that was not possible in the beginning of our marriage.

Today I found myself in another restaurant at the lunch hour. As I sat waiting for my friend I decided to dig into my purse for a pen and some paper. I pushed my $10 sunglasses to the top of my head, unbuttoned my giant "mom purse" and began searching for a pen. I pulled out diapers, a half eaten granola bar and receipts from a recent family vacation. Just as I was thinking, "I've got to clean this purse out," I pulled out a pair of sunglasses.

Seeing as I only own one pair of sunglasses, my curiosity was peaked. I've always thought of my mom purse as a Mary Poppins bag of sorts, but this was the first time the thing had created an item.

I turned the glasses over in my hands, hoping to trigger the memory of where they came from. As I touched their smooth surface I noticed a silver label: Dolce and Gabbana!

My jaw dropped! I looked around the restaurant half expecting an answer to be written on the walls or for someone to jump out and tell me I was an unknowing participant in some Christian version of a PUNKED or CANDID CAMERA type show.

I hadn't told anyone about my encounter with the fancy lady in the sandwich shop. I don't even think I've ever mentioned to anyone how I love this brand of sunglasses. I recalled a fancy store we had stopped into on vacation and almost started hyperventilating at the thought that I may have somehow, unwillingly, stolen these glasses. Did the girls pick these up and put them in my purse?

Grasping for some explanation, I called my mother. We had visited her last week, maybe she had some knowledge of these glasses.

Sure enough, my mother is missing a pair of sunglasses. My eldest daughter (2 1/2), who loves sunglasses, must have stolen them from grandma's bathroom and put them in my purse.

My mom thought this was hilarious. I on the other hand, was not so pleased. Although I am happy to have an answer, how do you reprimand a 2 1/2 year old for something she did 4 days ago? Did she pick up the glasses thinking they were mommy's? Did she knowingly steal them from her grandmother?

Since we just can't know for sure, we'll take this opportunity to teach her, and remind ourselves, of the 7th Commandment: Thou shall not steal.

We'll also spend some time on how breaking the 10th Commandment: Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's goods can lead to the temptation of stealing!

Organize the home - organize the mind!

2010-06-03T21:36:00.000-07:00

I heard once (from a completely reliable source such as the television, Internet or women's magazine) that the state of your external living environment is a reflection of the state of your internal environment.

Complete generalization in a magazine headline used to convince the average women waiting in the check out line that her life is a mess and the purchase of this magazine and the contents it holds will change her life before it completely falls apart: YES!

A grain of truth at the center of this theory: YES!

I have many idiosyncrasies, as we all do. I do however; have one that is quite unusual. I love to shop for/buy organizing materials. The office supply and storage aisles are my favorite nooks and crannies of any local retail store. Now, as a wife and mama of two under age three, this gift could be used as an asset to my vocation and my family.

Unfortunately, what makes this idiosyncrasy unusual is that I am the least organized person I know. Ok, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but most of these "splurge" purchases sit in shopping bags in the corner of my living room until I "clean" and then they sit in the corners of my bedroom. In other words, I'm all talk (shop) and no action (organization)!

Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe I'm too busy, stressed out, tired or full of excuses. Maybe I'm such a perfectionist about things I care about; I can't bring myself to organize until I know it will be done perfectly. Don't worry about me, I'm working on that - and will be until the day I die. I'll more than likely have to work that one out with Jesus.

Regardless, trying to make a small place a home/office with two little girls, 86 dolls, 5 billion books, 98 1/2 pairs of shoes and many other countless unrecognizable toys is enough to drive any women crazy - and to organization! Well, all those things and a trip to IKEA on a much needed "girls weekend" away with her college girlfriends.

So, for the sake of documentation, and the intention of promoting some of my favorite products for you to look for on the clearance racks of retail stores, please enjoy the following pictures of the gals' room!

if you've got children, you MUST have a handy and cute storage area for baby dolls, animals and all things "stuffed" that tend to multiply in your home the second you bring baby home!

This frog is from IKEA and was $9!
my advice: put the ones that sing or cause fights in the top pockets!

These toy bins have saved our home from being completely taken over by our children and those who like to buy for them! May I add, I think we have purchased a total of 2 toys since the day we became parents! We don't bring things in, we only take things out. The bins have been a great system for teaching the girls to clean up after themselves (everything must go in a bin before we ------ (fill in the blank with something little girl friendly). Also, Joseph and I have a rule that if there are too many toys to fit in the bins - then there are too many toys and we purge!

We waited for this system to go on clearance at Shopko for $26.

The flower stickers are wall appliques. They have them at Dollar Tree! These all came together in one sheet for: you guessed it - $1!

We placed a coat hook on the wall right by the door to the gals' bedroom. This hook can be easily accessed from our main hallway. Now book bags and sweatshirts can be hung up and their contents can be kept out of the bathtub and sweatshirts don't have to be washed 5 times a week because they were found in the corner of the kitchen floor with macaroni on them!

I found this wall hook hanging at Hobby Lobby or $3

We have a low book shelve that the girls can reach. This way we are able to keep the same rules as we do with the bins! I don't care how the books go on this shelf (they'll just be all over the floor again in the morning) but they MUST go on the shelf!

Cost: FREE from the garage of my MIL via the college apartment of my SIL!

This is my favorite organizational tool of all time! As a mama of little girls, we do a lot of crafting over here! And, our crafting involves glitter and sequins. As hard as you try to contain these things, know it is impossible. I once noticed glitter in Joseph's hair from a project we did earlier that week - while he was at work!
These items need to be easy to access as to encourage me to get them out and use them with my littles - yet out of reach to prevent marker on my sofa. These pouches, hanging right inside their bedroom, are perfect!

This was found at IKEA on sale for $3. I loved it so much I bought one for a friend who is a homeschooling mama!

7 Quick Takes Friday 5/7/2010

2010-05-07T15:24:00.000-07:00

1. I'm sad I haven't been too active on my blog. I don't want to blame it on time. As a general rule I think "no time" is a sorry excuse in life. We have time for what we make time for. God gave us 24 hours in a day for a reason, so if we aren't getting done what we need to get done, it is most likely a problem with our priorities.

That being said, my stress level has been high these days. I've been doing a lot of freelance writing gigs (for which I am very excited and grateful) that added with my job load and the kids has become a lot of "work" for a stay at home mom. The truth is, I am far from a SAHM and we're praying and discerning how we feel about that and what we want to do about it. If I'm going to be working so much, then maybe I need to be out there working and making a good salary. Something to pray about!

2. Last week I attended my first writing conference! It was amazing. I learned some very valuable lessons and feel I grew as a writer. I also noticed I was alone most of the weekend. Most writers had come with a buddy. So, I didn't find a critique partner or another at home non-fiction writer. But, that's ok, the weekend was still a huge success.

3. I decided to put my blog address on my business card. This led me to reflect on the purpose of my blog. I started the blog to document my time with my family and share ideas/advice/encouragement with other mamas. Since I began the blog over a year ago, I have grown in my freelancing and now wonder if I should pick a focus for the blog. It has become a mix and match of life as a faith filled mama writer. I'm still thinking about what to do. Advice is welcome.

4. I went to the doctor! If you know me, you know it's a big deal. I hate going to the doctor. I haven't been feeling well and finally decided I really needed to figure out why. I had some blood tests and did find a few reasons why I may not be feeling well. So, I'm now working on getting all my levels where they need to be. I'm starting to feel better already! Yeah!

5. Joseph and I are enjoying our evenings once again! Even though Anna still wakes about 3 times a night at 17 months, we have a great bed-time routine and come 7:30 every night, the gals are asleep and we have a few hours to ourselves to work, relax or actually have a conversation! Since our gals were so close together, we never had this time in between children, so it is welcomed after 2 and a half years. It 's a wonderful and much needed break.

6. I'm sooooooo ready to buy a home. After next week, Joseph will have one class and his thesis to complete before graduating with his masters! This means he could start working full time again! Please pray we can find something soon and know where we are going to stay. I want things to fall into place so badly because I am OVER renting. I'm ready for a house. It still may be a few years, but I'm starting to really really want it. I like to decorate and paint.

7. The summer is booking up! Wow! I can't believe how many things are already on the calendar for the summer. I'm really excited to be social and get the gals (and their parents) out of the house and into the world.

A Day at the Theatre

2010-04-10T23:53:00.000-07:00

My father thinks I MUST be rich and famous since my name is in a book and all. He keeps asking me when I'm going to be on Book TV and reminding me that when that day comes, I need to ask them to "send a car" to pick me up. I haven't asked him who "them" is and why on earth they would send me a car.

The fact that he gets so excited about such things is why he is such an amazing dad. I keep telling my husband I need to sell a few more essays before I'll be convinced the one about my dad wasn't just a fluke. He is such an interesting character and it surly didn't take much skill to write a worthy essay about this more than worthy man.

Still, I decided to do something "fun" and more importantly, out of our normal budget with the money I earned from the essay about my father.

As my writing has slowly (but surly) taken off over the past year I have taken to using the profits for family fun time. The rewards of this are many fold. Firstly, not having to budget in family entertainment to our normal monthly budget leaves more room for other things and, I don't have to feel badly when using this "writing fund" money for FUN!

So what does the sale of a 1000 - 2000 word essay buy a family of 4? Here's the answer in picture form:

2 plain (pink) T-shirts on sale for 50 percent off at Hobby Lobby.
2 child size shirts (from the gals' closet)

1 package of iron on transfer paper for our printer. (Dora images were found FREE online)
1 package of fabric markers (purchased with Hobby Lobby's weekly 40 percent off one item coupon)

4 Dress Circle Tickets to Nickelodeon's Story Time Live! show.

(Dress Circle Tickets were purchased due to the young age of my children, I thought they needed to be close for the 90 min. show to hold their attention.)

1 $6 drink with a straw that could be taken into the theatre (this was a MUST as the knowledge of having something that could bribe the girls to hold off a melt down was needed for this mama!)

2 adults meals

1 child meal

1 milk shake from Fuddrucker's

The chance to take our girls to their first live show was worth a million dollars! Joseph and I are both huge lovers of the arts and especially, the theatre. It was amazing to watch them run about the lobby, exploring this grand place full of so much creative energy!

Anna Clare screamed with joy and threw her hands in the air every time a character she recognized began to sing.

Tessa was out of her seat and dancing and singing along with the entire show. And, although the place with packed with little girls, we received many comments from the ushers on how happy Tessa was to be singing and dancing.

Not only did I get to witness my girls falling in love with something so dear to my heart, I got to watch the joy their daddy had in his face as he watched them watch the show. He did it all with a huge grin of pride, love and joy and he did it all in a PINK shirt with a silly Monkey on the front and Dora and scribbled pictures from his gals on the back. The best part, I didn't even have to ask him to wear pink. He said if everyone else in the family was doing it - he would have it no other way.

Updates on Life, Love and Writing!

2010-04-07T21:56:00.000-07:00

Although it was not my intention to give up blogging for the Lenten season, the act of drawing inward for reflection and prayer pushed my blog to the back burner.

The Spirit of discernment is back in full swing in the Rutchik home and really, what's new?! We love the transition we've made to a smaller town and slower pace of life. It is now time to discern some bigger life issues such as careers, family size and schooling for the girls, just to name a few! It's a good place to be, but boy are we tired!

Although I was absent on the blog, there are still a few things I need to document from this season in our lives. Since my first vocation is to wife and mama, and this blog helps me document this vocation, I apologize to my regular readers if I fill up your news feeds with family updates and adventures this week.

My first update: I recently received my contributor's copy of A Cup of Comfort for Fathers. My story, Even as He Gives his Daughter's Hand, can be found on page 251.

The arrival of this book was much anticipated in the Rutchik homes as it is the first (of what I hope to be many) time I have been published in book form.

I was sitting in a T-shirt, on the phone with my friend, Krissy, when Mr. UPS rang the doorbell. I shouted for my husband to answer the door as I bolted into the bedroom.

"Shoot! Get the door, babe! you have to get it, I'm not wearing any pants!" I yelled.

I'm humbling myself enough to share that yes, sometimes I sit on my sofa in my nightshirt while talking on the phone in the mornings. I feel the need to share because I have often given a not- so-nice look to those who tell me I am so lucky to work from home, writing all day while wearing my pajamas. Clearly, this is not an option as sometimes the outside world comes right up to your front door.

Note to self/stay at home moms/work at home moms/writers: ALWAYS WEAR PANTS!

Lucky for me, my husband was home to answer the door and on the other line of my phone conversation was my best friend. She enjoyed the fact that I wasn't wearing pants and didn't judge me for screaming that fact into the phone in the middle of a conversation!

Test

2010-04-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

This is a test. I know that sounds lame - but it really is!

A Mother's Birth

2010-03-06T23:14:00.000-08:00

This is a birth announcement – of sorts.

Here in lies no measurement of weight or inches. There is no baby name to share, no blue booties or pink bows. Instead, I have a birth story. It is my own and it’s still in progress. I’m becoming a mother this week!

This birth story begins with a mother’s confession: I have not been well. Uncertainty and worry have set up permanent camp in my mind with real fear of spreading to my heart. Everyone knows a disease that spreads is almost always deadly. I have been paralyzed with worry and self-pity. The events of our recent past (ok, our whole 3 year marriage) have started catching up with me. There is one event in particular that haunts me and mocks me with its reality so much so I have started to consider the possibility of Post Traumatic Stress.

With the girls’ blood samples sent off to the lab and another challenge all but imminent – I started to, well, lose it. I’d go to bed and wake up 2 hours later just to worry the rest of the night away with worry for the girls, for Joseph, and for how I would handle the next thing. I’d ask myself how I could possibly deal with any more, and then wonder why I wasn’t stronger, holier.

I finally let myself hear the voices of all our friends, family and acquaintances, “I don’t know how you do it, I can’t image living your life, I just can’t image.”

You can’t image because you’re not supposed to. I can’t image and it’s my life. When we image how we would react or make it through a certain challenging situation, we cast ourselves as the staring player. We forget that we are fallen. But, we are separate from God! Therefore we cannot image or attempt to predict the role He plays in the events of our lives. He gives us the grace only at the moment when we need it. He’s perfect like that – and we are to trust in His perfectness.

To be honest, the “I can’t image” comments really bug me. I know it's just people showing their love and concern and I hold nothing against anyone who has ever muttered these words to me. But, it makes me feel a lot of pressure to be strong. Nothing puts pressure on a person to keep it together more than praise over how well you are keeping it together. For me, the pressure makes me withdraw a bit from my friends because the only way to really share myself is to share how I struggle, and I can’t do that when I am “keeping it together.”

For this reason I am widely and inappropriately honest about myself and my life on this blog. That is out of character for me. I’m actually not a sharer at all. But, here I am, emotionally naked for my friends, family and strangers to read! It’s my lifeline and I’ve decided not to apologize for it or for any of the “God talk” it brings. I don’t usually do a lot of “God talking”.

When health problems are always lurking in the shadows of your family life, the devil lives in the “what if’s” and worry parts of your heart. There are real things we must prepare for and these things have dictated every major decision we have made. However, responsibility and preparation can easily take an ugly turn into unneeded anxiety.

When this happens, my friend Krissy tends to remind me that, “These are problems for future Holly.”

I then remind us both that, “Future Holly sure has a lot of issues. It’s a really good thing I’m not her!”

When I do become future Holly, I trust I’ll have the grace to be her. God will fill the voids in me and seal the cracks in the foundation of my trust and faith. So, no, I can’t image some of the past events of my own life. There must not be a need for me to, as I currently don’t have the graces to do so. This is the blessing of our life!

As we approached this Lenten season, I prayed about what I should give up and what I should add to my spiritual life. This year it was a difficult prayer for the first time. I eventually came to realize why. I have been sanctified by a rare blessing. I don’t have to suffer the pressures of defining and discerning what our sacrifices should be or what cross it is we are bearing. We have clearly been told what our limitations and struggles are. Many wander for years, painfully trying to discern and define what it is God is calling them to. What a gift our family has been given! We are to turn to Him for comfort and the strength to take up our cross, and praise Him for reveling Himself to us in such a definitive way! So, this Lent I am not making any additional sacrifices. Instead, I am working on carrying the crosses I already have in a better way, with poise and in thanksgiving.

I trust this was the perfect Lenten journey for me because God has granted me the grace to live this time in thanksgiving. This time, His grace came in the form of 2 very precious ladies - and I am their renewed mommy.

This Thursday a string of unforeseeable events created an unheard of situation. My Joseph and I were out to lunch on a date! As we sat, sans children, the call came. Joseph’s specialist was calling with the girls’ genetic test results. There, behind the voice of an awfully serious Dr. were these words,

“Both tests came back negative. Both Teresa and Anna are negative for the Loeys Dietz gene.”

The method of delivery didn’t seem to match the words that were being delivered. In turn, I had nothing to say. I think I eventually and very calmly told the Dr. I thought I was going to cry. He then went into explaining some more tests Joseph needs to set up and I passed the phone across the table to my husband like it was a hot potato.

Then I cried. I cried and carried on like a baby in the middle of Applebee’s in the middle of the afternoon. I cried with no regard for a public place. I cried like only a mother cries in a delivery room. And then I cried some more.

I shot a goofy and authentic smile at my husband and we hugged. I called my parents and my best friend and cried with happy news. I didn’t say “It’s a girl” or “It’s a boy,” I chocked out, “It’s two healthy girls.” And then I cried some more.

To be clear, a diagnosis or state of health never changes or defines our love for a person. We were blessed with an example of the truth of equal worth of all souls through the gift of our third child, Emanuel Elizabeth. Joseph (and now his sister as well) are exactly who they are because of what God has given them. He has chosen to give them Loeys Dietz. Joseph is who is his in part because of this difference and after much prayer; I can confidently say I would not change it. I love him fully- in sickness and in health. I do not want to change him, I want to love him and let him lead me. He needed this to do so.

That being said, it is hard, and something only God can chose. It was our prayer this was not the call of our children. The unknowing prevented us from thinking about the long term for our girls.

On Thursday, I dreamed with my husband about the future of our children for the first time, ever. On our way home, we stopped for an errand and ended up buying gifts for our ladies. In the past few days the rain cloud over my motherhood has lifted and I am seeing my babies for the first time. I’m counting the fingers and the toes and loving every pudgy little one for what it is and not what is might mean.

Joseph says now that the black smoke has been lifted; he is seeing the beauty of each and every feature of our children for the first time and truly seeing the wonder of that person, and not questioning if this or that is a sign of Loeys Dietz. Instead, Tessa’s eyes are beautiful just because Tessa is Tessa and Anna’s likeness to her father is because she is Anna and her mystery is what makes Anna Anna. The features of my daughters are defined by how they reflect the beauty of the gift they are to us and not the fear of a genetic disorder. Without the looking glass of this fear, my children have almost been re-born.

I have 3 children. 1 in heaven and 2 healthy gals here with us.

I now have 4 birth stories.

Daybook - Week of March 1, 2010

2010-03-01T23:20:00.000-08:00

Daybook – Week of March, 1 2010

Outside My Window ...
Spring is teasing me and I love it. There was so much sunshine today and it was glorious. I tend to entertain dreams every February of a move to a state that doesn’t have winter 6 months of the year, but I know I’ll be here forever. I’m a Wisconsin gal, snow and all.
***

I am listening to...
Anna fussing in the crib and the middle-aged-never been married- children scare me- I can’t understand why your baby cries so much so I yell at her through the floor- guy upstairs is making noise. I don’t mind so much, but it is midnight and I hope he knows if he wakes her up, he pays as much as we do…..
***

To Live the Liturgy…
We all missed mass this weekend due to what we are calling the “death flu.” It was by far the worse flu we have ever had and we all had it at the same time. Needless to say, our bodies and souls are hungry for the parish mission this week and I think by tomorrow we will be well enough to go. I’m hoping to get to a healing mass or at least have Joseph prayed for. It always give me comfort.
***

To be Fit and Happy….
I’m not feeling to fit or too happy this week and I know it is because the flu knocked us out, the house is now a mess and I haven’t worked out in a week. I’m hoping to get back to the gym and in the pool in the morning. I'm also thinking about signing up for water aerobics.
***

I am thankful for ...
The end of the flu! I can’t believe it was so bad and now I must tackle the very unpleasant laundry pile it left behind.
***

From the kitchen ...
Our SAMS CLUB membership ran out and we decided not to renew so we stocked up on lots of goodies for the freezer. Tonight we defrosted a few pounds of lean ground turkey. We made turkey burgers and browned the rest of it up for a supper time skillet for tomorrow’s dinner. It feels so nice to have a fridge full of meals and to not be stressed about what to make for the next few nights.

**For our turkey burgers we got these new “buns” called “sandwich thins”. Not only are they 100 percent whole wheat and only 100 calories, but they are delicious and I had to pass along the great find! **
***

I am wearing ...
Sweats. I haven’t gotten ‘dressed” in 3 days and am really looking forward to leaving the house tomorrow and wearing real clothes!
***

I am creating ...
I’m pretty bummed out in the creative front today. There were a few calls out I had been working on submissions for and done some great research and writing on, but I wasn’t able to submit this weekend as planned due to how sick we all were. To say I’m bummed is an understatement. But, such is life. I did sell another essay and just sent my hubby out to mail the publishing agreement this evening! I’m also working on a very interesting story about a truly inspirational man. So, there is some good news to report on the creative front.
***

Towards a real education ...
I’m feeling a shift in stages for all four of us over here and have been doing some reading and research on the next step in our educational needs. For Tessa this will involve letters and a move into longer and more complex books. The rest of us I’m still working on.
***

Bringing beauty to my home ...
I’m not going to lie, it’s bad news bears over here. This place is a mess. I’m not talking about things needing to be tidied up a bit, I’m talking about an overhaul. But, it can’t stay this way for two long, Joseph’s family is coming in about 10 days and it’s a good thing, I need the motivation.
***

I am reading ...
I just finished Susan Wigg’s Just Breathe. It was ok enough, a perfect chic lit entertainment book. I like to have a ‘beach book” and an educational, spiritual or more challenging book going at the same time. I’m ready for 2 new ones so suggestions are welcome!
**

I am hoping and praying….
Well, here it is – the reason I have neglected this blog for 2 weeks. Last week we took the gals to Children’s Hospital (where I’m sure we caught this flu) for genetic tests. Joseph had genetic tests a few weeks back and it was discovered that he does not have Marfans as we previously thought. Rather, he has Loeys Dietz syndrome. We were (and still are) very disappointed. It’s similar in that they are both connective tissue disorders, but Loeys Dietz seems to be more aggressive and over all, not so great. The good news is that we have a diagnosis and can now test the girls and know once and for all what we are dealing with and how to monitor and treat it. However, actually knowing if one or both of our children have it changes things for us (and for them) in a big way. We should find out within the next week.

I’m also praying for some close family friends who are ready and waiting to welcome their fourth child any moment now. They’ve been planning on “any moment now” for about 3 weeks, so I’m really praying the waiting is over as I type this! This weekend, before the flu hit, we were treated to a fish fry evening by these friends. It was so fun to see them one last time before they welcome their baby!

***

Around the house ...
I’m thinking of some fun ways to spruce up my writing place and hoping to blog about it – stay tuned!
***

One of my favorite things ...
The gals seem to have created their own language. Ok, I know that can’t really be possible, but they are able to communicate with each other in a way Joseph and I cannot understand. Anna speaks in gibberish with the same inflection and using the same syllables and Tessa answers her. It’s very cute to see their love for each other develop. It’s also been making me sad for the absence of our third child, Emanuel Elizabeth.
***

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week:
We’ll play catch up for a few days. The main goal of the week is to restore order around here! ***

Picture Thoughts
Although it’s been a stressful week, we were blessed by good friends this week! On our way home from the genetic testing this week we were able to stop by our closest family friend/God family’s home. My friend Krissy had prepared a tea party for the little ones complete with rice crispy treats in the shape of scones! The adults were also able to have some snacks and share some time together.

Family Olympics Project

2010-02-13T18:29:00.000-08:00

My husband and I are both big fans of the Olympics. He's got a competitive spirit and I love all the human interest stories they tell about the athletes. I love to sit, night after night, and cry about the hardships people have overcome to appear in the Olympics. It's so cool to witness someones "big moment" in life, where their hard work and sacrifice pay off and they have a moment of pride. So, although I am proud to be an American, I usually end up cheering for the athlete with the best sob story. I'm a sucker for sob stories.

The winter Olympics hold a special place in my heart because the last time they were held, Joseph and I had just started dating and we were able to watch them together. Our first valentine's day was spend in front of the TV, cheering on team USA and splitting a pizza. We're low maintenance like that.

This year we were invited to watch the opening ceremonies of the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver with some family friends. We said we'd bring dessert. So, we decided to bring the winter Olympics to the Rutchik home and make a family project out of it!

First we made a cake.

Then we made another cake. I'm a firm believer in layered cakes and never split a cake mix to make them. 2 layers, 2 cakes.

Then Joseph sorted a large family size bag of M&M's into separate cups. I'm so blessed to have an amazing hubby who never has to be talked into family projects such as this. He jumps right in without being asked, and I love him so for it!

While we let the cakes cool, we took some time to practice colors with Tessa. A little tip for parents of 2 year olds having trouble with colors; being able to eat an M&M after correctly identifying its color was a brilliant idea! Little miss Tessa now knows her colors, and has eaten a lot of chocolate this weekend!

Here are our cups of M&M's!

Miss Anna Clare wasn't too into the family project. She expressed her displeasure with busy arms unable to hold her with screams and pleas for "UP!"

We bribed her with M&M's and she was back on board for a family project!

I then made my famous homemade peanut butter frosting and Tessa enjoyed squeezing the red food coloring in and watching it change colors. Being able to actually SEE that something she was doing was having such an effect while cooking was a joy to her.

As the cakes continued to cool, Tessa and I filled a brown ice cream cone with broken pieces of licorice to create the Olympic torch. We then filled the cup with red and orange M&M's to hold our "flames" in place. Because as everyone knows, if the flames go out, it's bad news!

Joseph punched a hole in the bottom of the cone with a toothpick to insert into the cake and hold our torch in place.

We created the famous Olympic rings with M&M's, sprinkled some white sugar on to to look like snow and finished the cake off with a blue and read border of M&M's to show our support for team USA!

Here Tessa and I pose with the finished product. The look on her face is her reaction to being caught eating the frosting red handed. She's not doing a great job of hiding the fact that her month is full of frosting, is she?

Over all, I really enjoyed this family project and the cake turned out just how I was hoping. I know we aren't Ace of Cakes over here, but I so enjoy making cakes and decorating them for special events. I often dream about really getting into it, but fondant and fancy cake tools cost a lot, and it just isn't something I'm willing to invest money in. So, I do the best I can with what I can buy at the supermarket.

We had a wonderful time at the Opening Ceremonies party. In my excitement over the Winter Olympics I forgot that it was - well - WINTER. When we got in the car and turned the heat on our cake melted and started bleeding the red frosting from its middle. I was proud of myself for letting it go and not letting it ruin my night! By the time we reached our destination it was a bit of a mess - but is tasted GREAT!

Happy Olympics! if you're looking for Joseph and I this Valentine's Day - we'll be watching team USA and sharing a pizza (and maybe a piece of cake)!

Work in Progress Wednesday 2/10/10

2010-02-10T11:38:00.000-08:00

For this week’s WIP, I’m looking at tackling my WIP’s largest challenge:

Other works in progress.

It seems I’ve been chalk full of ideas lately, and my desktop is beginning to get cluttered by all of half finished documents just hanging around. Although this sounds like a good thing, I know myself well enough to know it’s a sign of one thing – lack of focus.

A piece of work requires focus; otherwise it’s just a fleeting idea, not a story. For something to become a story it must have a narrative arc and each character must also have an arc. Although I’ve become an expert at openings –I find myself writing another one, instead of deciding what happens next. It seems I’m lacking commitment to the honestly of the story, of the character. Since I write narrative non-fiction narrative/personal essays, the narrator is me.

So, what’s holding me back?

FEAR.

I can’t move on because I can’t tell the story without being completely honest. So, fear of honestly must be what’s holding me back.

I tend to write for audience or in response to a call. For my day job, I write about families or business owners for a very specific audience, and this is easy as pie. It’s easy to tell the truth when you know what box to put it in and what bow to place on top.

I think it would do my writing muscle some good to write just to write. When I take the audience out of the equation, those fears of what people will think or how they’ll react will be lifted, and the story will be more honest. The story will be written simply because that story must be written. This why, the story will actually be written instead of a dozen half-told stories, I’ll have told a few stories well.

I can always go back – that’s what re-writes are for!

What’s holding you back in your writing?

How do you keep your stories honest?

Noise

2010-02-05T09:48:00.000-08:00

Noise is a part of every mama’s life. It can’t be escaped. From the moment the first phone call is cut short due to excessive background screaming, to the first time you leave mass wondering what the reading and homily were even about, noise is an everyday fixture in family life.
Mathematically speaking,

noise + X = mama guilt.

You see, the X is my response to noise and I’m here to say,

“My name is Holly and I react poorly to the noises my children contribute to my life.”

So, in an effort to grow as a person, wife and mother, I’ve been trying to identify that X and react and adjust accordingly.

My first realization: it’s not only the children that create the noise pollution in this household. It’s all the things I add to the mix.

As a work from home mama with the pipe dream of writing burning stronger every day, I’m in front of the computer for the majority of my waking hours. When the screaming and whining are more than I can take, I hire a babysitter. I have two I turn to most often. Their names are Dora and Elmo and they cost me about $17 bucks a month in cable services.

I’ll pause so you can judge, if you so wish………

So now the TV has been flipped on, Elmo is singing with a lisp in third person form, I’m at the computer, one kid is whining and the other kid is screaming as they fight over the electronic toy whose annoying song I’m convinced was composed just to assault my eardrums. I continue on and at some point, the phone is added to the equation. And this is a typical day in my home.

The other day my husband (who also works from home) tried to have a conversation with his wife. Poor guy. As he took a seat across the room in his chair, he placed all of these distractions between us physically. In order to give him the time of day, I had to bring my hands to my face and block my peripheral vision in order to listen to him. He looked at me like I was insane.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“There’re too much going on and I can’t focus on what you’re saying.” I responded.

This poor attempt at communication with my husband made me think about other important things I may be missing out on because there is too much going on. I believe God speaks to us. But am I drowning Him out with all the noise around me?

By the evening, I had a major malfunction. The girls went to sleep and I felt anxious and jittery. All of my normal evening activities involved the computer and TV and I just couldn’t bring myself to look at either of them. I didn’t know what to do with myself and so I did what I always do when confusion consumes me. I got in bed and pulled the covers over my head.

“Ummm, what are you doing?” My husband asked.

“I don’t know I just need quiet. I can’t take any more noise right now. I need dark and quiet.” I responded.

“Don’t you have to work tonight?” he asked.

“Yeah, I just need 10 minutes of nothing. I’m craving some nothing.” I told him.

I didn’t get out of bed until the wake up alarm otherwise known as the screams on my youngest, Anna, woke me this morning.

The old saying is true. Peace and quiet really do go hand in hand. In my much needed time with quiet last night I indeed found a bit of peace - and my Lenten promise for this year.
It’s time for me to unplug a bit. It’s my hope I’ll be able to clear some noise from my head and my heart. This year, Lent will be my shield as I attempt to ward off the many things attacking my senses. Maybe then I’ll be hearing things a bit more clearly.

God's Will

2010-02-01T00:35:00.000-08:00

It seems I have “handle with care” stamped on my forehead these days – and I can understand why. I greatly appreciate the outpouring of prayers, offers of support, encouragement and friendship that God has revealed to me through those He has placed in my life. As a person whose gift is GIVING support, it’s been a hard pill to swallow, and I’ve been showered with grace as I’ve learned to do so.
I know my family and I have been on the hearts of many recently. And so, I will begin with a family update:

JOSEPH:

Joseph had his six-month post surgery appointments in these last few weeks and as of now, his CAT-SCAN is looking good. His cardiologist, and Marfans Specialist, expressed some concern that maybe Joseph has a different connective tissue disorder rather than Marfans. We’ve been thinking about doing genetic testing for a while and have been putting it off due to the financial expenses involved. Insurance does not cover these tests and each one starts in the thousands of dollars. However, we do need to identify the condition and where it sits in his genes so that we can test our daughters and know who, if either, of them has the condition.
This week, Joseph’s genetic test for Marfans came back negative. We are disappointed. Ok, we are very disappointed. From the little information we have on the other possible connective tissue culprits - they only get scarier. Because of the cost I mentioned above, we are doing these tests in rounds, as to not have to pay for any more than we need to. We have decided to test his DNA for Loeys Dietz Syndrome. Each round of tests takes 2 weeks. We made this decision on Wednesday and should know in the next week. As soon as Joseph tests positive for a connective tissue disorder, we will then have our daughters tested. I’ve always said the unknowing is the hardest part, I’m starting to reconsider.

TESSA:
Tessa continues to amaze me every day! Her joy for life truly inspires me. As she settles into her second year of life, her gifts are bubbling over and it has been my saving grace to witness. Currently at the forefront –any and all things artistic. She is always drawing and trying to understand shapes. Tessa’s mommy has been doing a lot of crying lately and although I’m feeling a bit defeated in life, I’m getting a glimpse of my children I don’t think I’d be seeing if things were more stable around here. Nothing hurts Tessa more than the sight of tears in any member of our family. Her little being gets so upset and worry takes over her pudgy little face at the first sign of distress in a family member. Her empathy amazes me. She has been gifted with great intuition and is finding out early in her life that this gift comes with a great responsibility. So much so, she has started talking and tossing and turning in her sleep. I’ve been lying awake at night and listening to her “love” us through the bedroom walls as she sleeps through her restlessness.

ANNA CALRE:
Oh, my lovely Anna Clare. She is a gal of great extremes. Her screaming and intense emotional reactions have been more than her parents can take since the day she was born. However, her “ups” are well worth the price of her downs. When joy fills this little one, it consumes every part of her being. She has a difficult time containing her excitement and has taken to just screaming out gibberish because she just can’t keep in how happy songs and games make her feel. I call it her “joy seizure” because it is an overwhelming thing to witness. Her smiles are big, her eyes are bright and her cuddles are my best medicine. I can’t wait to continue to meet her each and every day. I never know what I’ll get. She has an element of surprise about her that prevents me from ever closing my heart. I thank her for this gift and praise God for the two very different souls he has entrusted to our care.

MYSELF:
I’ve received many calls and e-mails expressing concern for me. I appreciate them all. I’m thankful to have been blessed with the presence of so many loving people in my life. We have been through a lot and yes, I am stretched thin. Yes, I know it is “too” thin. Joseph and I are constantly working and I am worried and frustrated. It’s so hard when we know we work more hours in a week than most we know. It’s hard because we do so not to get ahead or even enjoy the things most others our age are working for such as buying a home, starting a business or saving for a vacation. We are on what my husband calls “The Red Queen Theory.” This theory, from Alice and Wonderland, is about running as fast as you possibly can –just to stay where you are. It’s a frustrating place to be, especially because we are forced to live each day face to face with mortality. We both have great fears that if it’s God’s will we don’t live this earthly life together until a ripe old age that we will have regrets. Regrets of too much time spend in worry about health and finances, shooing the children away, working and so on. It is discouraging, knowing we are doing the best we can, and knowing it’s not enough.

But...................

Isn’t this the point? Isn’t this our faith? Ok, so my family has been pounded with hardship after hardship. Yup, we are working ourselves day in and day out just to spiral deeper into medical debt. And, our biggest challenges are those of unknowing. Will this family stay healthy? Can we ward off the next medical concern? Will these medical concerns prevent this family from ever growing in size and into a place to call our own?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. I’ve had my fair share of good cries and “why me’s”. However, I have been blessed! I have been given a glimpse of true and unconditional love that not many others will know until they are called home. I’ve seen the best qualities of those around me drawn out by our hardships as they’ve rallied to our sides. I’ve been given graces from God to grow in holiness and love with my husband as we have had no choice but to take each other’s hands and humble ourselves to one another just to get out of bed in the morning and face the day. I’ve been blessed with daughters who are learning to see that the face of Christ and the beauty of God’s love is found in suffering. What spiritual possibilities there will be for the lives of little ladies who have this engrained within them! The evils they may be saved from because they won’t have the temptation many young people have to define God by what they find within themselves. They’ll know to look upward with open arms. They’ll know what love looks like. They’ll be so filled with it, they’ll want to pour it out and spread it wide. They’ll have grown up with parents who lived everyday broken wide open.

So, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your worry, and your love. But please, don’t feel sorry for me for we have no need for pity over here – we have love, growing spiritual lives, more friendly faces than we know what to do with and - we have God. We’ve been given the opportunity to be pushed down and forced to die to ourselves and the desires of this world. We are broken, bleeding and helpless – therefore we have a clear vision of the hand that reaches down to help us up and we are so thankful for it.

Plus, how bad can things get, baseball season is almost here!

I pray for whatever way God has chosen to reveal Himself to you and your family,
Holly

***Supporter of the week goes to Kelley at Mamalog who gifted me with these words of support and encouragement. This post Kelley wrote about me touched me deeply and showed me how wonderful it is when we share our faith with each other!

Joseph and I at the Giants vs. Brewers game this past summer a few days before his second surgery

Daybook 1/25/10

2010-01-25T12:15:00.000-08:00

Outside My Window ...
It’s winter – again/still/always. I’m convinced I suffer from seasonal depression. I’m in serious need of sunlight.

***

I am listening to...
The ticking of the clock. The gals are asleep, and I should be working.

***

To Live the Liturgy…
It looks like we may be joining a parish we would have NEVER seen ourselves joining. We’ve been praying about where our family should be, and think we have an unexpected answer.

To be Fit and Happy….
I’ve got my routine at the YMCA down pretty well! 2 miles on the treadmill and then a half mile in the pool. I’m actually really enjoying it, in part because the additional work out time leads to more music listening time – and I love music. My only fear is that the whole process takes about 2 hours. From the time I start packing the gym bag to the time I return home, it’s about 2 hours. The actual workouts themselves don’t take nearly as long, but when you add in the shower and the travel time – I can’t get it below 2 hours and I really, really don’t have 2 hours. Ideas?
***

I am thankful for ...
Some down time. I don’t actually have anymore time in a day, but I have let to house work go go go go go go! It does really bother me that one could muster together a good size snack from what can be found on the kitchen floor and the gals have taken to finding every shoe in the house and hiding them – but I just can’t keep up. So, I’ve decided to just let it go and trade that time for fun playtime with the girls – something that has been lacking and I have been feeling a lot of guilt over. It’s been so nice to spend some time with them.

***

From the kitchen ...
We’re waiting on payday over here. So, it has been my job to keep creative in the kitchen as to not spend money on anything other than bread and milk. It’s been kind of fun, but I am starting to dream about a trip to the grocery store and all the wonderful things I would rather be making. Because we have been eating healthier, our grocery bill has gone up – a downfall to this whole fitness thing, and one I don’t know how I’ll maintain without redoing the whole budget.
***

I am wearing ...
A pro-life T-shirt and cotton capri pants. I should get dressed, really I should. But, I just can’t bring myself to do it when I don’t feel well, and I don’t feel too well.
***

I am creating ...
Essays, essays, essays. Yup, that’s right, I’m back on a writing kick. I’ve been up until 3 or 4 every night this week – and that’s how I like it.
***

On my iPod
The only music I have. I lost my I-Tunes account in the death of my old computer. I don’t even know my user name or password for I-Tunes, so I fear everything except for what is on my Shuffle is lost. If anyone knows how to help, please fill be in!

***

Towards a real education ...
Tessa is working on her colors and Anna Clare is working on using words instead of having an emotional breakdown. Neither one is really going all that well.

As for myself, I’ve been reading a lot of writing craft books.

***

Bringing beauty to my home ...
We’re still laughing over here. I am so longing for a home of my own. I hate white walls so much and just want to create a space for my family with no restrictions. With rounds of genetic testing and more medical bills piling in, I don’t see the day of homeownership coming anytime – ever. So, I need to learn some new ways to make myself, and my family feel at home. We’ve been here 4 months and Tessa keeps asking to go home. When we’re away and say it’s time to go home, she gets really excited, until we pull in here. Then she starts screaming and crying and saying she wants to go home. I don’t know what to tell her. I wonder how long this will last.

***

I am reading ...
A few books of essays and The Hour I First Believed.

I am hoping and praying….
For the genetic tests we’ve got sent off. We should hear at any time now and if we don’t hear anything today, Joseph will call in the morning. It could go so many ways, and cost sooo very much. I’m praying for simple answers on both fronts.
***

Around the house ...
A writing space for me has been created! I’m so happy. Space is limited, so a nock of my own feels like heaven!

***

One of my favorite things ...
Giggles. We have lots of giggles around here these days. Tessa and Anna are really learning to play well together. Even when they fight, Joseph and I have to hide our laughter because it is too, too cute.
***

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week:
Work. Joseph and I both have so much work to do this week. We are tag teaming everything from who is in charge of the girls to who gets to be sleeping. I’m really stressed and so is he. But, I’m hoping to get away and take the gals to the pool at the YMCA one afternoon this week. They have a slide!
***

Picture Thoughts

I recently had the misfortune of learning one M&M has 5 calories and so, I’ve been spreading the bad news. It’s all I can do to keep myself from eating them because once you know something is super bad for you = you crave it like CRAZY. And, by using the word “you” I clearly mean “me”! This picture was taken over Christmas, when Joseph and I visited M&M world in Las Vegas – before I knew what I know now. Happy snacking!

An Earthy Home for Emanuel Elizabeth

2010-01-19T00:44:00.000-08:00

On Friday we went to my hometown to bury our baby, Emanuel Elizabeth, in the cemetery plots where my grandpa is buried, and where my grandma and dad will one day rest.

I love my hometown. It’s small, mostly friendly and people wave when you drive by – even if they don’t know you.

Whenever our minivan pulls into small town for a family visit, I feel a certain nostalgia. It’s so strong, I can smell it. I wouldn’t give up having growing up in said small town for anything.

This town is so small I don’t think I could ever be an adult living there. It’s a place to be a kid, and I don’t see it allowing me t o ever grow up. That’s how I like it. For this reason, I don’t think I’ll ever live there again – but I’ll always call it home.

And now, so will Emanuel Elizabeth. Of course, his/her home is with God. But small town will be our baby’s earthly place. This makes me very happy.

The reality of the day, and the whole event didn’t hit me until we pulled in to park at the cemetery. Small town currently has inches of winter snow on the ground. Paths needed to be plowed, headstones needed to be uncovered, and ground needed to be warmed in order for Emanuel Elizabeth to be buried.

And, it was the site of these preparations that made me realize what we were doing. One doesn’t undo what nature has done, defying the seasons, unless it’s of dire importance. So, the path was cleared and the baby’s mark in the snow seemed so much clearer than his/her mark on me. The mound of snow sitting behind the burial spot taunted me with its large scale. I heard its screams loud and clear and think it’s about time they turn into my own – but I’m not there, yet.

The rest of the details and emotions of the day we’ll keep to ourselves, for now.

Daybook New Year's Eve Edition

2009-12-31T20:06:00.000-08:00

Daybook – New Year’s Eve 2009 Edition

Outside My Window ...
The weather is falling into deep winter. The days are short, dark and very cold.

***
I am listening to...
Joseph trying to settle Anna down. She is crying because he just gave her some medicine. Along with the New Year will come a few more teeth for Miss Anna Clare – and she isn’t handling it very well.

***
To Live the Liturgy…
We’re still experiencing Advent in our hearts over here, and we’re ok with that. The journey to God’s will for our family has been revealing itself – slowly.

To be Fit and Happy….
We’re joining the YMCA! I’m really excited about it. The price is steep, but we are using the money we were spending on formula to now pay for the YMCA, so I think it’s a great move for us. I can’t wait to get into the pool, and to give Joseph the time to jump back in himself. A good swim does so much for my hubby.
***
I am thankful for ...
My wonderful family and friends, who have been so supportive this Christmas season as we mourn the loss of our third child to miscarriage. I am also thankful for the gift of Emanuel Elizabeth (our baby) and what the creation on this little soul has already done for our faith and our family. The gift of this baby has been great, and I know more will be revealed to us over time – but for now, we are thankful and heartbroken.

***
From the kitchen ...
Tonight we decided to stay in and just enjoy time at home with each other. I made a few lasagnas to take to my in-laws this weekend and we used the leftover sauce for a spaghetti dinner! Dinner was so nice, and so very messy (Anna is learning to use a fork on her own). We had to move right from the dinner table to the bathtub because the gals were such a mess. Joseph got the video camera out and documented Tessa singing all the Christmas songs she learned this year while Anna shoveled noodles into her mouth, and hair and the floor…..
After baths we decided to make some treats to take along to grandma’s and so the evening was spent making rice crispy treats and cupcakes. Tessa wants to be part of every step of the process of creating and cleaning in the kitchen while Anna will join in and then end up in the corner by herself with a book. I love how these gals are night and day from each other and am so honored to be given their little souls to tend to. I am so thankful that they are so different from each other because I find it helps be grow as a mother. I enjoy letting Anna go off by herself, if that is what she needs, and I enjoy watching Tessa take over the baking projects in the kitchen and wanting to do everything perfectly. I am sure grandma and auntie Karyi will love the treats, even if licked fingers were used in their preparation and they look a little……like a 2 year old was in charge!
***
I am wearing ...
Jeans and my Viterbo University T-shirt. My hair is in a pony tail and I am once again getting the itch to do something that says something other than, “I’m a 12 year old girl" with it. The problem – how do you have a stylish cut and color without having to pay all the money to maintain it?
***
I am creating ...
Writing projects. I experienced the ever feared, ever dreaded computer crash and now am typing away on a brand new laptop! The new purchase has me wanting to be writing, writing, writing. I know the real reason has more to do with me retreating from the world to deal with my miscarriage, but whatever the reason, I am enjoying this time.
***

On my iPod.....
Not a thing. I’m thinking of creating a new work out mix for my time on the elliptical – but we’ll see if I get to it.

***

Towards a real education ...
It is words, words, words over here! Tessa’s vocabulary has exploded and I can’t believe the complex sentences she puts together.

It’s hard to believe that a little more than a month ago, we were becoming very worried about Anna Clare’s speech development. She has grown by leaps and bounds in the past month and now has about 12 words. She is such a blessing to me, and reminds me daily that she is who God made her to be and will get where she’s going in her own good time.

***
Bringing beauty to my home ...
We’re learning to laugh more and yell a bit less around here. It’s been so, so very good!

***
I am reading ...
Over the holiday season I read Gone With the Wind and I loved every 1000 pages of it.
Last night we were blessed by a phone call from a new friend who is in town spending some time with a family we know (pray for a developing relationship!). She had no plans for the night and was wondering if she could come over and babysit our kids! Ummmm…YES! Come on over!

Joseph and I took the time alone together to spend some time at Barnes and Noble and I now have more writing magazines sitting on my desk, waiting for me

I am hoping and praying….
For so many things, the load is a bit heavy – but that is why we hope and pray! At the forefront, in the next couple of weeks we have some follow up appointments to ensure everything associated with Joseph’s surgery this past summer is working as it should. We are praying his body reacted well. Please hold our family in prayer.
***
Around the house ...
There are toys….everywhere! Joseph and I can’t take it anymore and have decided to purge! We just have too much stuff, and it is cluttering up our small living space and our hearts and minds. I want it gone. We are seriously talking about setting a goal of removing one third of the things in this home.

***

One of my favorite things ...
My family. I’ve just been enjoying being the four of us this week - and having our fifth member watching over us. I couldn’t ask for a better family, and pray we can always be as close are we are right at this moment.
***
A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week:
We are heading to Kenosha to celebrate Christmas and the New Year with Joseph’s family in the morning. We are looking forward to our time with them AND they are always so great about letting us get out by ourselves while we are in town. I am planning on taking full advantage of that and think we may try to get out and see the move The Blind Side.
***

Picture Thoughts
Here are some images of a New Year’s Eve family moment in the kitchen. Happy New Year!

We are so happy to be turning the page on this year, and pray we will continue to be blessed in 2010.

My loves in the kitchen

Tessa wants to do things all by herself - and I don't want to stop her, I so enjoy nurturing this part of her.........even if I have a hard time with tons of sprinkles on one side!

I thought I would share an out take from our family Christmas picture photo session. I LOVE this so, so much and hope you enjoy it as well.

Pregnancy Purgatory

2009-12-15T23:46:00.000-08:00

Pregnancy Purgatory

I call myself a trained extrovert. I am, by nature, a sensitive and private person. Often when my face laughs and my voice is jubilant and boisterous, my heart cries. I know I’m overly sensitive and this year, I have come to learn that my two greatest gifts, motherhood and the written word, are helping me to deal with my temperament. I actually enjoy the temperament God gave me, although I struggle with people in my life who don’t believe or accept my temperament.

With every temperament comes shortcomings and I am very aware of mine. I greatly enjoy motherhood and want nothing more out of life then to kiss boo boos and share smiles with my girls. However, mommy life has forced me out of my comfort zone in many ways. My greatest struggle has been the hours of this vocation. Being a mommy is a 24 hours a day calling. This is hard for me, because I require alone time, wind down time, reflection time, private time……TIME. I am in need of a lot of time. Processors need time.

When you’re a mommy to young ones, that’s not an option. I’ve tried rationalizing mommy’s needs for space and a few moments without any touching to a two year old, it doesn’t work! So, for me, sacrificing time is my act of love. I must try to let go of the selfish need for self reflection and deep prayer, reading, and thought for the sake of my family. And, that’s ok - or so I’m learning.

I was reminded this week that although my time to reflect and pray has been sacrificed and sparse, this doesn’t mean my gift of intuition has gone absent.

With my previous pregnancies, I was sick as a dog. All day, all night, all nine months – SICK. The whole thing was very hard on me emotionally and to be honest, physically. This pregnancy - - nothing. I feel fine. I eat when I want to eat and aside from feeling tired, I hardly know I’m pregnant.

After explaining away the possibilities and friends and family members telling me I may be feeling ok because this one is a boy, I decided I still didn’t feel right about this and got myself to the doctor.

At seven weeks I had a scan and a four week old baby was found. For four weeks, the development looks good, but that puts my dates off by almost a month. I was given a due date and some simple math showed me that according to this scan, my date of conception was a week after I got a positive pregnancy test. The doctor told me he was 50/50 on if I was just that off on dates and the baby is fine or if the baby stopped growing at 4 and a half weeks and my body has yet to miscarry. The only answer is time. So, I wait two weeks. I wait until I bleed, or I wait for an ultrasound that will either show me a missed miscarriage and the need for some medical intervention, or it will show me a beautiful little heart beating away. So here I sit, in pregnancy purgatory.

In these two weeks of waiting, there are many, many things going on in my life. My husband Joseph and I have a non-refundable vacation booked to Las Vegas to celebrate getting through a very stressful year (yeah, I know- ironic..), I will turn 29, and of course, there is Christmas.

So, here I am, motherhood has once again thrown me into a situation where being an introvert is not an option. In these two weeks I will see many friends and relatives, most of whom have already heard the news of my pregnancy. My first instinct is of course to crawl in a hole and hole and hide out, not speaking to anyone for the next two weeks until I have something to tell people. I’m actually semi-famous for my ability to do this and have often fielded phone calls from friends pleading with me to stop “falling off the face of the earth.” But, this time of year does not allow this type of reaction to life. Once again, motherhood throws me out of my comfort zone and smacks me in the face with all things scary and humbling.

Although it may seem too personal to put on a blog, I’m trying to grow as a person, so bear (and pray) with me. Also, as any introvert can tell you, we have tactics to avoid uncomfortable situations. I’m not so secretly hoping folks will read this and learn of what we are going through, so I can avoid questions about the pregnancy over the holidays.

Joseph and I whole heartedly believe every conceived child has a precious little soul, and that doesn’t change if the child is born into heaven or into our arms. Either way, this baby has been born into our family. For that reason, I welcome talk of the baby from anyone. I’m just hoping to not have to explain my place of unknowing over and over and over again!

I’ve been through my angry stage of yelling and asking God why in the world He would give this family yet another struggle when we have been through so, so very much. I’ve told a few people that I feel like I am constantly playing dodge ball! But, I’ve now moved on and feel quite peaceful. I have no choice. What will be will be, and I have no control over what that is. Once you realize you have no control, it is actually a really freeing and liberating thing, and I feel blessed to experience it. Plus, I follow in the footsteps of great women who have waited on the fate of their baby. It truly is advent in our hearts!

Merry Christmas, and please pray we are able to enjoy our much needed time together of this “vacation”!

Visiting Santa

2009-12-11T21:22:00.000-08:00

Today was the annual Rutchik gals baking and shopping day. It is a wonderful holiday tradition where my in-laws come over and we bake my husband's favorite Christmas treats from when he was young - toffee squares and peanut blossoms. It is such a blessing to share with my children the treats their daddy loved when he was young, and I know it's a special day for my mother-in-law, to make her son's childhood favorites for his children.

After our baking, we head out to the mall where my MIL treats us to lunch in the food court. We shop, and end the day with a visit to Santa. Here is the story of our visit with Santa, in pictures. I know you will enjoy it.

Anna is placed on Santa's lap and has to do what Anna does best, study the situation.

She decides she is ok, maybe, and gives a leery smile.

Momma tries to add Tessa to Santa's lap. Tessa is NOT having this and screaming, "No, Mama! Oh, no mama! Please NOOOOO!" (the poor gal so upset she's shaking)

Mama decides she cannot force her child to sit on the lap on an unknown man, and tries to bride the child by sitting next to Santa while holding the petrified little gal.

Tessa screams bloody murder while Anna studies the situation.

Anna tries to comfort her sister while Tessa screams, "NO SANTA! Santa, NO! Knock it off, Santa!"

Mama decides she needs to remove her shaking and terrified child form the situation.

On the way out, Tessa stops to pick up her free coloring book, turn to Santa, wave and say, "Bye, bye, Santa."

After all, her mother raised her to have manners!

I think we got the PERFECT Santa pictures, it will show me every Christmas who my beautiful girls were the year they were 2 and 1!

Merry Christmas!

New Worth the Wait

2009-12-02T19:32:00.000-08:00

News Worth the Wait

It’s be forever and a half since I’ve blogged. What can I say, life as a work at home mommy with a hubby in school is nuts! On a positive note, when I am absent from my blog, it usually means I am spending my little free time working on a writing project. This is good, as I have shared I really am feeling the call. I’ve been thinking, praying and writing. I’ve been feeling like something big is just around the corner and although I still believe that to be true, my focus has shifted in another direction recently.

It seems I’m getting another call:

I can’t believe it! Well, I can, but still. We were going to wait to announce until twelve weeks, but there was an incident with a vaccination line nurse yelling out my pregnant status while my mother in law stood behind me in line. Yeah, that’s a story for the record books friends, and one I may keep to myself for now as I’m sure it will end up in a book or essay someday.

Because we have moved, I have yet to hear that perfect little heartbeat every newly pregnant mommy prays for. I have just found a new doctor, but have been informed my first appointment (next week) will just be with a nurse. I so despise that initial pregnancy appointment. Yes, I know not to smoke or drink (which I don’t do anyways) and to take my vitamin. This is my third time in as many years, can’t I just see the doctor and get myself a scan so I can see that little heartbeat?

As for how I’m feeling - - great! This is good, but slightly concerning to me. With both my little gals I was sick as a dog from the time I saw 2 lines until the day I delivered! It was miserable, but the ill feeling helped me from gaining much weight, so I consider it a blessing! This go around, I don’t even feel pregnant. So, this is strange territory for me, and I want that scan!

Regardless, there is another soul in our little family and we couldn’t be more blessed. Please pray my fears and anxieties about everything are eased, and that this baby continues to grow.

PS-if you are my Facebook friend, please don’t comment on the pregnancy on Facebook, not many people read my blog and I would like to wait until I hear that heartbeat before the news shows up on my page. Thanks!

Happy Birthday Krissy!!

2009-11-05T21:08:00.001-08:00

I’ve been MIA from the world of Blog. Humph. Usually, when I drop of the face of the earth, it’s a bad, bad thing. It means I'm holed up in an introverted ball avoiding the outside world. This time, it just means I’m a busy mommy who’s taken on lots of different tasks to financially contribute to our home.

But, when I do go MIA and really am in a ball on my couch – I know who will be the first one to notice (and call and bug me over and over, and over again until I come out to play) and reach out. She’s the bestest friend I’ve ever had, and today is her birthday!

She has been through all of life’s ups and downs with me since I was about 14, she introduced me to my husband and has been a great friend in faith. This past year, she sure pulled her weight in our friendship! To name the BIG ones:

She babysat for miss Tessa countless times exactly one year ago while I was on bed rest awaiting the arrival of Anna. I wasn’t mobile and had to go to the doctor 2 or 3 times a week. She took Tessa every time and went as far as writing my doctor appointments into her calendar, so I didn’t even have to ask her to babysit!

She listened through ENDLESS conversations over a potential Rutchik move and supported our decision to move away from her and her family. That’s a real friend!

While we were living practically next door to each other, I borrowed many more things from her fridge than she ever did from mine.

She watched our children while Joseph and I sat in her living room and driveway and cried after receiving the news of his health – and then sent her husband for pizzas.

She brought me 5 Cokes the day Joseph had his heart surgery (I’m not sure if she knew she had given me that many Cokes, or if she really thought I drank that much:)

She bundled up an infant and came rushing to the hospital late one night because I was alone and scared - and needed her.

She’s an extrovert who pulls people to her with her wonderful energy and kind heart. She also doesn’t mind when I make all my friends from the pool of people she’s introduced me too!

She’s the sister I never had and calls me family, even though she’s been blessed with 2 sisters of her own.

She’s the Godmother of my first born – with whom she shares her birthday week.

She understands when life and kids are too much and I can’t call on her actual birth day - and will accept this blog post in place of a call (ok, I haven’t talked to her about that one, but I’m sure she will! )

It was one of those years when I did most of the leaning. But, I know I don’t have to feel badly about that, she knows my shoulders are ready for her, should she ever need them.

I pray you are blessed with a best friend as good as mine, though I highly doubt anyone could top her! If you want to be touched by this AMAZING, beautiful and faithful women, head on over to http://krissyfruitfulvine.blogspot.com/ and tell her I sent you! It would feel nice to be the one introducing her to someone!

Happy Birthday Krissy! I LOVE you!

Steppin' Out With My Lady

2009-10-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

Steppin’ Out With My Lady

I’ve got a bad case of the Mondays, friends. You know the days when the world feels hopeless and you can’t imagine anyone in the world could have a longer “to do” list then yourself? Yup, that is the scary place I am in today.

No need to worry, I have a fairly healthy emotional intelligence and although I am a moody melancholic – at least I know it and know how to deal with myself! Today, the world is swallowing me up. But tomorrow, well tomorrow will be grand. I’m convinced.

On days like these, I need to throw up the white flag and surrender the day to the thoughts of stress, “what ifs” and “you’re not good enoughs”. Good thing I have a lovely distraction!

Miss Anna Clare had a huge weekend of milestones. She learned to clap and say “YEAH” over, and over, and over again. She saw her sister climb a staircase and decided to follow, figuring out how to climb as she went. And, the most impressive event of the weekend: first steps were taken on an early Saturday morning. My poor husband. He usually gets up with the children in the early morning. On this day he had been sent back to bed by yours truly. I thought I would give him a day off. In doing so, I got to witness her goofy grin as she took her first steps toward me. I’m sad Joseph missed it. He missed Tessa’s first steps as well. So, while he slept, I sat with my grandma and watched Anna Clare take her first steps.

So, the world can have its problems and my “to do” list can grow by a mile for all I care. I’m putting it aside, and getting down on the floor to help Anna practice her new found talent!

And now I must thank you and take my leave. Anna just pulled the garbage can on top of herself and it sounds like a mess is screaming my name. Is it bed time yet?

Work in Progress Wednesday

2009-10-07T11:27:00.001-07:00

Work in Progress Wednesday

Whew! What a week it has been over here! As some of my readers know, my husband, Joseph, is finishing up his MA in English. He is also working for the University as a graduate assistant. The past few weeks he has been working on assisting a professor who is the editor of Film and History – An Interdisciplinary Journal of Film and Television Studies. This means on top of his studies and his time creating and editing videos for The Apostleship of Prayer, he has been swimming in a sea of papers. I call him the master editor. He spends his days editing visual images AND written words.
Factor in my job working with words and my commitment to personal writing and we are up to our eyeballs in proofing, editing and writing over here! It’s been really difficult to get any of this done during the waking hours of our children, so we have taken to living a double life. By day we are responsible parents and adults. Once bedtime rolls around for our girls – Joseph and I are holed up in our bedroom, working, working, working! He sits at a 5-foot table we have set up in our bedroom as his working space. It holds 2 computers, a camera, stacks of books and several wires I haven’t the slightest idea what they are for. He sits in front of the computer with his headphones on and I lie on the bed with my laptop. In the background we have Nick at Night playing on the TV (Roseanne is my favorite show of all time)! Because we have been working so hard into the wee hours of night/morning, the room is a mess with laundry and unpacked bins from our move over a month ago.
At about 2am one of us usually interrupts the other to express our hunger. We break for a snack, then sit on the bed, and eat something bad for us as we watch middle of the night TV.
Last night I realized I felt like I was back in college. Our bedroom has turned into a dorm room! I kind of love it! My husband and I didn’t meet until we were in graduate school. I was already living in my own apartment and he with a priest friend of ours. Therefore, I feel like I’ve been blessed with the ability to share a piece of my husband’s life I missed – the college years. The whole thing is wonderfully romantic and creatively fulfilling. Had we each chosen different paths, the bohemian lifestyle of up all night creating and sleeping until the middle of the afternoon would have suited us well. Thankfully, we are called to family life over here. We are currently enjoying both lifestyles - out of necessity. We are oh so tired though, so I don’t know how much longer we will be able to sustain our “door room nights.”

I share this all because it’s Work in Progress Wednesday. My works in progress are coming along well. I’ve got to have something to show for being up until 4am the last 5 nights! Not only have I moved forward on two half written essays, I’ve started 2 more! I am also reading the book Writing Life Stories – How to Make memories into Memoirs, ideas into Essays, and life into Literature by Bill Roorbach. I’m so excited I’m having a difficult time remembering to pay the bills or add broccoli to that meal I just made for Tessa!

I know this double life can’t last forever. I’m always a wife and mother first and will have to stop giving so much of myself to my creative endeavors the moment the other aspects in my life start to suffer. The girls always wake up by 8am and this mommy can’t function on 4 hours of sleep a night for too long. But, until then, I am going to enjoy my late night time with my projects and my husband. I know it’s not the conventional way of life, but we aren’t conventional people over here. And as for our children, I pray they too have artistic outlets.

Joseph's workspace

Time to Celebrate!

2009-10-06T11:29:00.000-07:00

I’m not one to toot my own horn, but I do have a knack for turning the everyday into a holiday! In fact, I’m going to guess I make more cut out cookies over the course of one year than anyone I know. I make them for every season – and I don’t even like them all that much. I just love to celebrate! I love to take the ordinary and make it extraordinary! - Side note: that might be the title of my next personal essay –

Come the real holiday season and I field phone calls and visits from family and friends who suggest I pull it back, not work too hard or put too much pressure on myself to do all of these things. The fact of the matter is, as a stay and home / work at home mom, planning special days, meals and gatherings gets me through the day and gives me something to look forward to. Crazy as it sounds – this introvert needs to party!

As a lifetime Wisconsinite, I couldn’t let this week’s Packer/Viking game pass without cut outs, homemade meatballs and donning my whole family in Packer gear. I even did three loads of laundry before I found my husband’s Packer shirt. I hate laundry, but we must be matchy – matchy as a family. The whole thing wouldn’t have been nearly as obnoxious or fun if we weren’t!

We love Wisconsin sports in the Rutchik home. Truth be known, we are more baseball and swimming fans than football. But, if there is one thing I hate, it’s a traitor. You may have heard of a man who goes by the name of Brent, or Bert, or something along those lines. He wears the number 4, has a difficult time making decisions, and then expects multimillion-dollar organizations to wait around on him. The hype of his first game against the Packers as a Viking was all over the Wisconsin, and national, news this week. To me, it was a big glittering invitation to get out the cookies cutters and homemade meatball recipe!

We had a great time! I was forced to clean the house for guests and my husband was off to fill the role as graduate school student/assistant for the day. He had a wonderful meeting on campus and although the Packers lost, we got the opportunity to celebrate a big accomplishment for my husband. We added a much needed dose of good friends and food to the mix and had a wonderful evening celebrating life!

Work in Progress Wednesday

2009-09-23T16:44:00.001-07:00

Work in Progress Wednesday

I’m thrilled to be adding Work in Progress Wednesday to my blog! Not only is this blogging tool a springboard to share, network, and offer support to the online writing community – but it will also be a great way for me to stay accountable to my writing goals! So, without further ado, my first Work in Progress Wednesday:

I’m taking a writing class! I am so excited to be taking this course, but also questioning my sanity. With both my husband and I working from home, his masters program and oh yeah, our 2 kids under age 2, I must have been a lunatic to sign my name to another time commitment. The fact of the matter; I NEED it. I desperately need something of my very own right now. We are working so hard over here and have just been through a time of crisis. My soul is craving something of my very own – something that does not fall into the categories of wife, mother or employee.

Starting Oct. 7, I will be taking the course Personal Essays That Get Published with Abigail Green! I know this class will be a perfect fit for me personally, and for my writing goals. Special thanks go out to Abigail Green and my father for making this possible. Abby was very willing to answer my questions while I was making this decision and my dad helped me make the decision by telling I must take the course and then writing the check for me to do so!

When it comes to marking progress in my writing, my methods are a bit untraditional. Because I write non-fiction, word count and story plotting are not goals on my to do list. Instead, I keep ongoing lists of essay ideas and prompts. When I’m feeling inspired, I write the rough draft of an essay, take the initial line or thought that sparked the idea off the list of potential essays and then place the first draft of the essay in a “to edit” folder. My current goal is to finish edits and re-writes on the essays in that folder BEFORE starting another essay. I have too many unfinished pieces of work floating around on my desktop. This week’s goal: 2 essays.

Another writing goal I am working on is choosing a writer’s conference. I’ve been reading on agent and author blogs about how beneficial this experience has been to the writing process. I am stating to research and save my pennies. I hope to make my appearance at a writer’s conference next fall. Any suggestions for a conference offering information on non-fiction would be greatly appreciated!

Until next week, if you need to find me, I’ll be glued to my computer!

Sleeping Beauty and Other tidbits

2009-09-09T20:48:00.000-07:00

We’re settled! Ok, that was a lie. We are not settled. It has been almost 2 weeks since we moved and we are not settled. In our defense, we had no clue how difficult it was going to be with kids. I feel like the only time I can unpack boxes is when both girls are sleeping. And, if you know anything about our family, these gals don’t sleep at the same time.

Never the less, we are coming along slowly but surly. It feels good. Joseph had his first class this evening and came home looking smarter already. Or at least that is what the smile on his face told me.

I am feeling really good about this change in our lives. I am not, however, feeling good about paying 2 rents. So, please, pray for us to find a lease take over in Milwaukee. It would lift so much worry and uncertainty from our shoulders.

I’m working on many big projects in life. One of these will be a picture recap of our summer for my blog. One of my main motives for beginning this blog was to document our day to day life as a family. The summer handed us some crazy and challenging times, so the day to day aspect of life went out the window – with the blog. I am hoping to recap and get back to more regular postings. I will also be adding posts about my “writing life” to blog. I’m doing so in an effort to share a big part of myself I’ve never shared before. I know, I’m growing as a person!

While these things are in the works, I thought I would share a little piece of lovely from my day. While Joseph was at school the girls were getting a bit crazy. Tessa was sent to her room for a little alone time to reflect after a bout of sassy sassy talk. I was organizing my desk while Anna Clare sat on the floor playing with a sippy cup. I found myself caught up in my project. Panic washed over me as I realized there was silence in my home. Any mother with little ones can tell you silence is a bad, bad sign when you’ve got kids. I looked into the living room to find this:

Now, to the average person – this is a cute picture of a little gal falling asleep. How cute—and so on and so on. However, Anna Clare is the anti-sleeper. She has never - in all her 9 months of life - fallen asleep without an hour of screaming and rocking. Falling asleep in the middle of sitting up and drinking is a big accomplishment for her – and me! I love her so very much, but feel as if she has been overlooked when it comes to who she is as a person – because she has screamed day and night since the day she was born. Thus, that is the aspect of her at the forefront of our minds and conversations with family and friends. Could this be the dawn of a new day for her…for us…..for my sleep?!!

Here is hoping the changes around here as a beautiful as the summer to fall transition happening outdoors.

Do you feel like your life changes with the seasons? What changes does this fall bring for you?

For All The Writers Out There....

2009-08-31T22:10:00.001-07:00

For All The Writers Out There….

We moved. It was long, hot, difficult, and a turning point for our family. I’ll be sharing the good and bad of it all in an upcoming post. But I am so baffled by the irony of life right now I had to share.

Along with moving comes many more things on the to do list. I’m aware of this and for the most part, ok with it. I’ve spent the last few days making phone calls, changing our address, getting recommendations for doctors and stocking up on groceries and all the new things one needs in a new place. I also have a job, a hubby in transition and recovery and oh yeah, 2 kids under 2.

So, why oh why has the inspiration bug hit me now? Here, at midnight when I should be sleeping, or unpacking, or working or paying the bills – when I have to get up in the morning and try to catch up on life?

So I’m up writing. I’m pleased with what is coming to me, but sometimes wish I could choose the day and the time.

I ask my fellow writers out there if this happens to you as well? If so, please share (and explain!)

Photo credit: photoscom

Love and Marriage

2009-08-20T20:24:00.000-07:00

For the sake of protecting the innocent, names have been changed in the following actual conversation:

Molly: “Hey babe, why are we going this way, I thought we were going to Target?”

BOseph: “Yeah, I thought you meant this Target, up here.”

Molly: “Ok, but the other Target is new, way closer and I told you I like the ice in the Coke better there.”

BOseph: “Oh, yeah, ok, sorry, it must have been a miscommunication.”

Molly: “Yeah, I know, that seems to be our M.O. lately.”

BOseph: “No, not really.”

Molly: “Haha! See.”

BOseph: “Wait, what?”

Molly: “Nothing.”

Thanks for Calling!

2009-08-13T22:06:00.001-07:00

Thanks for Calling

My daughter is 21 months old now and is developing a particular attachment to all the “tools” I use in my day-to-day life. It’s interesting to see how her little eyes perceive what things define a person. My keys, shoes, purse and sunglasses spend more time donning her little mop-top self than my own.

I’m somewhat ashamed to confess this next little slice of our life. She thinks my phone is actually called a “Holly” and not a “Phone.” I gather this comes from the fact that I work from home and during business hours am answering the phone, “Hello, this is Holly.” Either way, she picks it up and carries it around, calling it her “Holly.” When the phone rings, her eyes light up, her mouth falls open and she starts running in circles with excitement screaming, “Holly, Holly, Holly!!!” I’ve tried replacing my phone with her Elmo phone, but after one or two conversations with Elmo, she’s back to wanting the real deal.

In some ways, it’s flattering to see her put on my sunglasses, my shoes and pick up the keys while she’s tossing the diaper bag across her body and saying, “Ok, bye bye, see you.” She always does so with a smile and then puckers up for a goodbye kiss. I’m not sure if I should be proud of the fact I must always leave the house with a kiss and hug, or if I should feel shame over appearing so very happy while I am LEAVING my home!

Like so many things do, witnessing this everyday bring me to a spiritual reflection. Is this how I appear in the eyes of God? Trying so very hard to impress him with my faith and knowledge as I stumble around, trying my very best to imitate the example He gave me as the perfect mother: Mary?

The thought that the amusement I get from the sight of my daughter doing these things could be similar to how God views my attempts at faith, piety and prayer makes me blush. It also humbles me, and warms my heart. Child-like joy in beautiful. I guess it isn’t so bad to entertain the possibility I could still possess it.

However I look in the eyes of God, I will continue to “put on” Christ, because that is what I believe He calls me to do. The way in which I so seriously do it may be a bit off the mark, but just like my daughter, I will do it with the best of intentions – and a smile.

I must always answer the call. Oftentimes, it’s Elmo, but sometimes, it’s God.

Help Please!

2009-08-11T19:18:00.001-07:00

Hmmm....
So when I log onto my blog to read blogs it says, "you are not currently following any blogs."

Ummmm...yes I am! Where did they all go and how do I get them back? When I go to someone's blog I know I follow, I can still find myself in their list of followers - so what gives?

However, my pictures does not show up on other people's "followers" list--what gives with that?

Oh, technology...:)

I would love some help please.

Sorry to waste a post on this, but if you are reading this, your blog list is working, so I don't feel too badly for you!!:)

Holly

The Winds of Change

2009-08-10T19:08:00.000-07:00

The Winds of Change

The summer has been long and trying. We were heartbroken (no pun intended) when we found out about Joseph’s health and put all our big life plans for graduate degrees and moving vans on hold.

And here we are, once again planning our move. Joseph has been given the clearance from his doctors to move and resume his graduate studies. In all actuality, God’ timing has been wonderful. Joseph will be able to continue working toward his dream while also preparing to become an even better provider for our family. He’ll be able to do all of this while he is healing. Perfect timing, as working full time during these recovery months would be very taxing on him. Things have come full circle for us, as they often do.

The foundation of our relationship was build while Joseph was first attending graduate school. For this reason, I feel as young as I did then, before health crisis and financial woes of having a family were even on my radar. Instead, I’m so hopeful. We are now living in a constant state of possibility! Overall – it’s so very refreshing!

We’ve found the place we will call home in the very near future. It’s a cute little condo/townhome featuring the same amount of square footage we currently have, but with some modest and exciting upgrades from our current family dwelling. Some if these include; a private front door and stoop, an open kitchen facing out into the living area, a garage, a shower in the second bathroom, and my personal favorite - a washer and dryer!! Praise the Lord! We’ll sign the papers this coming Friday and move in on the 28th!

Excitement fills my days and visions of new decorating schemes dance, dance, dance in my head. However, I have a few reality checks to consider before I pack my first box. We have three weekends until we move and they are all booked up. Two of these weekends are out of town weddings for which Joseph has been hired as the videographer, great for our very little family business, bad timing for me. I also have my ten-year high school reunion (yikes!) I would really like to attend. This may have to go, sad as it makes me. It’s just too far away. I also have two deadlines for work and let’s not forget there is a family of four to pack up and I am currently the only able bodied person among us. It all feels a bit overwhelming, but in such a great way. I know I can make it through this and am happy to be doing so. If the month of July, with all the ups and downs it brought with the health of my family taught me anything, it is that I truly am stronger than I knew! I am so thankful for this gift.

And now it’s time to move onto other winds, those of my call. It goes without saying my first call is to motherhood. It is my vocation, and I accept it with thanksgiving and gratitude. However, it has been a very big year for me and my writing. Looking back, I think it was through my true vocation of motherhood I found my call to writing to be stronger than I’d anticipated. After I had Tessa Joseph took a second job to pay off some debt and start this family off on the right foot. We were gifted with a second car from some wonderful and charitable friends and off he went two nights a week to work. While Tessa slept and my husband worked, I wrote. I wrote because I finally wasn’t afraid to. Becoming a mother did that for me.

Shortly after I became pregnant again and once Anna arrived we went into survival mode for a long while. Having a fussy, screaming and ant-sleeping baby will do that to a gal. Even in all of this, I wrote. I wrote because I couldn’t NOT write. I also really started to pray about writing.

I’ve been still and listened, and I’ve received the message loud and clear. I’m to actively pursue this. I AM actively pursuing this writing thing. It’s scary and exciting and wonderful and stressful and….I love it. And now that I’ve said it, it’s real and I am accountable for my dreams and my gifts.

The winds of change are alive and well over here in the Rutchik home, and something tells me these winds of change are those of the Spirit.