The Hermit Life: Saying Goodbye to February’s Darkness



I live, write and mother from “God’s County.” There’s even signage on our back road one-lane highways to prove it.
Yes, I’m a cheese eating, Packers and Brewers cheering, God-fearing Wisconsin girl through and through.

While I’ll likely never leave the great Badger state, here’s the thing: February in Wisconsin is the table by the kitchen in the darkest corner hell.

 February and I are not friends. It’s been cold for too many consecutive weeks and people haven’t seen hide nor hair of a human being not covered in marshmallow shaped coats or fur skinned hoods since Christmas. The icing on top of that lovely cake is the fact that there’s only light for about 2 minutes a day in February.
This February my four-year-old assigned animals that have the same likeness to each of our family members. I was given bear.

“Why bear?” I asked.

“There are mama bears in stories that get mad when others bother their family. Plus, you like to sleep.” She said.

There’s a burn, four-year-old style.

My overly-observant daughter has a point. In fact, if I’m going to survive a Wisconsin winter it would ideally be spend hibernating with my bear cubs. Unfortunately, people don’t take well to shut-ins and society expects me to change the children out of their pajamas for Mass and company.

Therefore, until I’m rich and famous and can snow bird on out of here for 8 weeks every winter - February is about surviving.

I can’t imagine life without the four seasons. Plus, having the cold tundra of winter keeps many creepy-crawling bugs out of our state by a deep freeze that kills them all off once a year.

However, the pros just don’t outweigh the cons when it comes to a Wisconsin winter. By the time Lent rolls around every year I often feel like if there’s another doom and gloom day in my soul I just may roll over and play dead until spring. Things are always the worst at the darkest hour of the night (or in this case, year). Thankfully, hope rises with the March sun. There may be snow/sleet/rain and hail, but there’s hope.

Last weekend my husband and I took a late-winter trip to Door County, sans kids. We hiked through the freshly fallen snow and bare trees to a violent and spitting Lake Michigan.

The trees were heavy and bent with the wet, sticking snow of a late-season storm.

They were my peers, the bent trees. Hunched over, naked and frail from a winter of coldness and little light.

A tree doesn’t turn from its source of light as we humans do. Trees search for the light and chose to grow toward what they know sustains them. They grow heavenward. In the cold bitterness of the darkest times they may bend downward but they survive because spring will come and they will bloom again.

With gratitude, I too know the story doesn’t end in February. Just when so many of my branches are on the brink of snapping, Lent comes and the pain is reigned in and re-focused heavenward. This carries me until the bloom of spring - when we are all resurrected.

This winter I’ve put my hermit like behavior to good use. You may have noticed my absence in the social media words. It’s been deliberate. When I’m not changing a diaper or crying into the reproducing laundry pile I’ve been wading knee-deep through the messy dream of writing a book with my dear friend and fellow writer/speaker Woman at the Inkwell. It’s funny how our dreams tend to bend us ever so slightly and look a bit messy.

It’s March and I’m ready to do just that, march forth. God willing, beauty will bloom in the chaos. At least it will be spring, and there will be light.

Winter Trees, Door County, WI

I took a weekend vacation and never went back to work

After two years of hard work and 6 months of extreme family sacrifice, my husband recently defended his graduate thesis and received his master’s degree. The very first thing we did (even before the poor sleep deprived man took a nap) was book a mini family vacation for the following weekend.

Over the past few months “family time,” has gradually slipped further and further down the priority list. It was the season of our life and we feel confident the sacrifices we made will pay dividends for our family, but something had to be done.

Have you ever started a deep cleaning project and stopped to take a break only to find yourself mortified by the mess you’d made? Things tend to get worse before they get better.

We put all other pressing things we had let slide over the past month on hold and picked our family up off the floor.

We visited Wisconsin Dells, staying away from most of the tourist attractions and focusing on quality, low-key, family time. We took a horse-drawn ride into Lost Canyon, boarded a “choo-choo” train in North freedom, WI, and had a morning under the big-top at Circus World in Baraboo.

As with any family vacation with small children, there were casualties. Anna was kicked by a horse, there were 4 scrapped knees, mama and the baby got too much sun, the brakes on the van died and Tessa’s ear found the not-so-friendly end of an iron stool on the train.

Amidst the excitement and wonderful family time, the cloud of stress and indecision that had been hovering over us lifted and feelings on recent big changes in our life became more clear.

I recently accepted a position at a parish to work 25 hours a week coordinating Faith Formation. The parish is wonderful and the people working in Faith Formation are wonderful. At first instinct 25 hours per week sounded like a bit much for me. I work from home 10 hours a week, freelance write, and you know- mother 3 kids 3 and under. I was offered flexibility and I do have this master’s degree in theology collecting dust on my shelf so, I signed on the dotted line.

But something funny happened while we were on vacation, taking time to enjoy each other and not letting the stresses of everyday life live in the forefronts of our minds. Somewhere between the picnic lunches, relaxing in the hot-tub and spending family time together, for the first time in recent months prayer found a way to pierce through a barrier it couldn’t break through at home:

Joseph decided this is not what he wants for his family.

I’ve been blessed with a loyal and true man. In the almost five years we’ve been married we’ve had many decisions to make. Some of them were placed upon us and out of our control (medical emergencies), and some of them we brought on ourselves through the mistakes we’ve made. And, we’ve made a lot of mistakes.

It has taken my husband a while to figure out what he wants to do “when he grows up.” It’s been hard, having him figure this out as we had 3 kids in 3 years and while he also had 2 heart surgeries in that time. He’s worked really hard to finish his master’s degree and put himself in a position to advance his career.

The only thing he has been sure of in the five years we’ve been married is that he feels called to help me fulfill my call to write. He doesn’t want me to add something to my plate that does not promote that calling, and does not want me going back to work – taking time away from my callings of motherhood and writing.

How blessed I am with a husband who feels even more strongly about my callings than I do.

I will not be going back to working outside the home after all. I’ll be sticking with my work from home job and freelancing. Since we made this decision we have received several affirmations so we are going to trust in my husband’s plan for our family, and in God, that this plan is the best one for us.

My weekend vacation led to my not going back to work.

Vacations are important (even the Pope agrees). They give us a chance to step out of our everyday responsibilities. They give us the opportunity to see our life through a different lens. This time, for us, that lens was a bit clearer and we were able to identify the mismanagement of our priority list.

There are many ways to take a vacation or “time-out” in life. Sometimes they lead to bigger and better things than souvenirs and pictures for the scrapbook. Have you taken one recently?

Some Days the Rules are Different

Children need schedules and structure. So say the experts who have time to get their doctorates in child rearing or pop psychology and you know, sit down and write a book.

I bet those people don’t have kids. Or have one, and a live in nanny. They don't have their 3rd daughter in 3 years on the way.

Look, I KNOW kids need to know what to expect. They need to know certain behaviors have direct consequences. I believe this, we parent this way. Almost every day.

some days the rules are different. Because some days the rent needs to be paid. Today is one of those days. Mama and daddy are both working from home today.

The girls are dressed, sort of. Their hair has not been combed and the afternoon snack was indeed rice crispy bars. Said bars were handed out while mama was really busy with an important e-mail. 15 minutes later I retreated to the bedroom to sit on the bed (which has dried pee on it from a three year old’s naptime accident) to make an important phone call. When I came out the girls were once again eating rice crispy bars for a snack.

“I just gave them a snack,” I said to my husband.

“Oh sorry,” he said.

Daddy was busy. He was working on an important e-mail and needed the gals to have a snack. It seems he has the same tricks I do.

So we can’t live like this every day. But, some days the rules are different. Pretzels, yogurt and left over pancakes just have to count as lunch some days.

Locking the girls in their room to play the game “you can knock on the door to be let out after every book and toy has been picked up and put away” must count as the afternoon activity once in a while.

Who’s with me?

On Motherhood

Recently my attention has been drawn (in some pleasant and not so pleasant ways) to the differences between myself and the women I call my “peers.”

I’ve been drawn to reflect on my lifestyle due in most part to the extreme reactions I’ve received from friends recently. A few have e-mailed with questions of how I do so much in addition to being a mama. Some seeking advice and some sending notes of thanksgiving – filled with hope that they too may soon be busy mamas. I’ve also disappointed a few friends who seem dissatisfied with how much of myself (and my time) I can commit to them.

One of my favorite Catholic blogger mamas, Elizabeth Foss has a beautiful post about the type of women/wife/mother she is appearing on her blog this evening. Although we are indeed quite different (she’s a seasoned mama with 9 children), I see myself in the sentiment she’s expressing.

Our family calendar speaks volumes to who I am as a women and a mama. I refuse to overbook or fill up our days. More than 3 obligations in one week (even social ones) might as well be a prison sentence to me. I’m an introvert, and so is my husband. We parent as introverts. We’re not signed up for Gymboree, playdates and storytimes at the library. Of course social and educational activities are important and we do make room for them, but I am very selective. When we do something social, it usually takes us an entire day to recuperate – so I build that time into our lives.

We are very close with a family of extraverts and this summer we spent the 4th of July with them. The kids played outside, we took them to the park, grilled out, did some sparklers in the driveway and then drove to see the town’s fireworks later that evening. It was a full day of fun followed by a sleepover. The next day I felt like I’d been hit by a bus. My energy was gone and my kids wanted nothing more than to watch a DVD. My friend came out of her room with her 3 children dressed in another patriotic outfit and they started packing up to go to the parade. A parade! It was 9:00am! Thankfully my friend knows how I operate and I didn’t need to think of an excuse not to go. They headed out and my family stayed in their home, napping and relaxing. Sometimes I wish we could go go go and I know we miss out on some wonderful things, but it doesn’t make us happy. My friend needs those types of things (and so do her children) to keep their family running smoothly and to keep everyone happy. For us, we aren’t loving to one another when we are living that way, so for us I know I am doing what is best.

We recharge alone and at home. For myself, and for my family, I protect this recharging time like a mama bear. I don’t feel an obligation to return phone calls and e-mails in a timely manner nor do I commit myself to weekly conversations with friends. This is not, in any way, a reflection of how I feel about those friends; I just simply love my family more. I know if I did answer every e-mail and return every phone message that our family would suffer, and I am not willing to do that. I know myself very well, faults and all.

I also approach motherhood a bit differently. Although I do love to cuddle with my girls, I can’t stand having someone “on” me all day long. Attachment parenting is beautiful, but God did not make me that type of mother. I don’t long for a tiny baby that needs their every need attended too and if there is a child in my bed, I’m not sleeping. That period of motherhood is a large sacrifice for me. I’m loving in other ways. My gifts are intuition and council. These gifts are better used with older children. For example, every single thing I do in the kitchen is narrated and then shown to Tessa. She is then given the opportunity to do it herself. So, every dinner and every batch of cookies takes twice as long as it does in another home. She doesn’t just get to “stir” to playcat her. She cracks the egg herself and dumps it in the bowl. If there are shells, she is then taught how to dig them out. This is how we operate every day in the kitchen. Everything takes twice as long and creates twice the mess, but at 2 and a half she could recite to me, step by step, how to make many of our standard meals and – chocolate chip cookies. This time is precious to me and I give up other things in order to have it.

She also comes to me with things she would like to talk about. She knows she is not going to get a water downed answer. We have very real conversations and I commit a lot of time to these real conversations. We are strong and consistent in our discipline and following a consequence, there is a loving conversation because I want to understand why a wrong choice was made and help them to understand why their choice was wrong. So, a simple fight between 2 little girls can turn into an hour long event in our home, but in the end everyone not only understands each other, but everyone feels loved. I do not answer my phone during these times.

I am also a work at home mama. I actually really love my job. I don’t care for the amount of work I have. But, I have to say, even if we were extremely independently wealthy I still think I would continue this job (with slashed hours, of course). Not only do I put in hours with my job, I am also a freelance writer. This past year has been a good one for me writing wise and we now count on a few hundred dollars of our monthly income from my freelancing. This is a personal choice that was very hard for me to make. It does cut into my family time and it certainly has affected how much time I have for friends and social activities. However, after much personal prayer by me and my husband, we feel I am called to pursue this dream. It is not one I talk about often, but one I must begin acknowledging as it is affecting my life and the amount of time I can give outside of my family.

To those who wonder how I do all that I do, there are sacrifices. Chances are I am not nearly as social as you are and my house is probably not as clean as yours! We are creative spirits over here and sometimes projects and ideas pick us up and carry us away leaving our laundry pile high and our fridge empty. But, that is who we are, and I will not apologize for it because I love it. One week we’ll learn to sew, the next we’ll be painting. Some nights I’ll stay up all night long because inspiration has struck and if that means the girls stay in diapers the whole next day because mama is resting on the couch – then so be it!

The best we can do for our children, in my opinion, is to embrace who God made us to be and show them it’s ok to do the same. I laugh because in my life I have always been very close with people who would call themselves “type A.” I think there is something about the structured and OCD type personality that must be amused or intrigued by a person like myself. I have had wonderful relationships with many “type As” in my life. However, they seem to really love me for a time and then in the end, I wind up driving them crazy!

Truth is, the world needs us all! God has designed and made each one of us beautifully to reflect Him in different ways. We have so much we can learn from one another. God knows that. I have proof. I’m almost sure my first born is a “Type A” herself. She reminds us to put things away in the fridge and turn off lights when we leave a room.


When she was asked to help pick up today she responded, “Ok, mama! Who’s coming over?” No one, for the record!


She keeps us in check and we remind her that mistakes are ok and sometimes it’s fun to get messy.


What kind of women/mother are you? Are your days structured or is yesterday’s oatmeal still on your kitchen table?

7 Quick Takes Friday 5/7/2010

1. I'm sad I haven't been too active on my blog. I don't want to blame it on time. As a general rule I think "no time" is a sorry excuse in life. We have time for what we make time for. God gave us 24 hours in a day for a reason, so if we aren't getting done what we need to get done, it is most likely a problem with our priorities.

That being said, my stress level has been high these days. I've been doing a lot of freelance writing gigs (for which I am very excited and grateful) that added with my job load and the kids has become a lot of "work" for a stay at home mom. The truth is, I am far from a SAHM and we're praying and discerning how we feel about that and what we want to do about it. If I'm going to be working so much, then maybe I need to be out there working and making a good salary. Something to pray about!

2. Last week I attended my first writing conference! It was amazing. I learned some very valuable lessons and feel I grew as a writer. I also noticed I was alone most of the weekend. Most writers had come with a buddy. So, I didn't find a critique partner or another at home non-fiction writer. But, that's ok, the weekend was still a huge success.

3. I decided to put my blog address on my business card. This led me to reflect on the purpose of my blog. I started the blog to document my time with my family and share ideas/advice/encouragement with other mamas. Since I began the blog over a year ago, I have grown in my freelancing and now wonder if I should pick a focus for the blog. It has become a mix and match of life as a faith filled mama writer. I'm still thinking about what to do. Advice is welcome.

4. I went to the doctor! If you know me, you know it's a big deal. I hate going to the doctor. I haven't been feeling well and finally decided I really needed to figure out why. I had some blood tests and did find a few reasons why I may not be feeling well. So, I'm now working on getting all my levels where they need to be. I'm starting to feel better already! Yeah!

5. Joseph and I are enjoying our evenings once again! Even though Anna still wakes about 3 times a night at 17 months, we have a great bed-time routine and come 7:30 every night, the gals are asleep and we have a few hours to ourselves to work, relax or actually have a conversation! Since our gals were so close together, we never had this time in between children, so it is welcomed after 2 and a half years. It 's a wonderful and much needed break.

6. I'm sooooooo ready to buy a home. After next week, Joseph will have one class and his thesis to complete before graduating with his masters! This means he could start working full time again! Please pray we can find something soon and know where we are going to stay. I want things to fall into place so badly because I am OVER renting. I'm ready for a house. It still may be a few years, but I'm starting to really really want it. I like to decorate and paint.

7. The summer is booking up! Wow! I can't believe how many things are already on the calendar for the summer. I'm really excited to be social and get the gals (and their parents) out of the house and into the world.

A Day at the Theatre

My father thinks I MUST be rich and famous since my name is in a book and all. He keeps asking me when I'm going to be on Book TV and reminding me that when that day comes, I need to ask them to "send a car" to pick me up. I haven't asked him who "them" is and why on earth they would send me a car.

The fact that he gets so excited about such things is why he is such an amazing dad. I keep telling my husband I need to sell a few more essays before I'll be convinced the one about my dad wasn't just a fluke. He is such an interesting character and it surly didn't take much skill to write a worthy essay about this more than worthy man.

Still, I decided to do something "fun" and more importantly, out of our normal budget with the money I earned from the essay about my father.

As my writing has slowly (but surly) taken off over the past year I have taken to using the profits for family fun time. The rewards of this are many fold. Firstly, not having to budget in family entertainment to our normal monthly budget leaves more room for other things and, I don't have to feel badly when using this "writing fund" money for FUN!

So what does the sale of a 1000 - 2000 word essay buy a family of 4? Here's the answer in picture form:

2 plain (pink) T-shirts on sale for 50 percent off at Hobby Lobby.
2 child size shirts (from the gals' closet)


1 package of iron on transfer paper for our printer. (Dora images were found FREE online)
1 package of fabric markers (purchased with Hobby Lobby's weekly 40 percent off one item coupon)

4 Dress Circle Tickets to Nickelodeon's Story Time Live! show.

(Dress Circle Tickets were purchased due to the young age of my children, I thought they needed to be close for the 90 min. show to hold their attention.)

1 $6 drink with a straw that could be taken into the theatre (this was a MUST as the knowledge of having something that could bribe the girls to hold off a melt down was needed for this mama!)

2 adults meals

1 child meal

1 milk shake from Fuddrucker's

The chance to take our girls to their first live show was worth a million dollars! Joseph and I are both huge lovers of the arts and especially, the theatre. It was amazing to watch them run about the lobby, exploring this grand place full of so much creative energy!

Anna Clare screamed with joy and threw her hands in the air every time a character she recognized began to sing.

Tessa was out of her seat and dancing and singing along with the entire show. And, although the place with packed with little girls, we received many comments from the ushers on how happy Tessa was to be singing and dancing.

Not only did I get to witness my girls falling in love with something so dear to my heart, I got to watch the joy their daddy had in his face as he watched them watch the show. He did it all with a huge grin of pride, love and joy and he did it all in a PINK shirt with a silly Monkey on the front and Dora and scribbled pictures from his gals on the back. The best part, I didn't even have to ask him to wear pink. He said if everyone else in the family was doing it - he would have it no other way.

Updates on Life, Love and Writing!

Although it was not my intention to give up blogging for the Lenten season, the act of drawing inward for reflection and prayer pushed my blog to the back burner.

The Spirit of discernment is back in full swing in the Rutchik home and really, what's new?! We love the transition we've made to a smaller town and slower pace of life. It is now time to discern some bigger life issues such as careers, family size and schooling for the girls, just to name a few! It's a good place to be, but boy are we tired!

Although I was absent on the blog, there are still a few things I need to document from this season in our lives. Since my first vocation is to wife and mama, and this blog helps me document this vocation, I apologize to my regular readers if I fill up your news feeds with family updates and adventures this week.

My first update: I recently received my contributor's copy of A Cup of Comfort for Fathers. My story, Even as He Gives his Daughter's Hand, can be found on page 251.

The arrival of this book was much anticipated in the Rutchik homes as it is the first (of what I hope to be many) time I have been published in book form.

I was sitting in a T-shirt, on the phone with my friend, Krissy, when Mr. UPS rang the doorbell. I shouted for my husband to answer the door as I bolted into the bedroom.

"Shoot! Get the door, babe! you have to get it, I'm not wearing any pants!" I yelled.

I'm humbling myself enough to share that yes, sometimes I sit on my sofa in my nightshirt while talking on the phone in the mornings. I feel the need to share because I have often given a not- so-nice look to those who tell me I am so lucky to work from home, writing all day while wearing my pajamas. Clearly, this is not an option as sometimes the outside world comes right up to your front door.

Note to self/stay at home moms/work at home moms/writers: ALWAYS WEAR PANTS!

Lucky for me, my husband was home to answer the door and on the other line of my phone conversation was my best friend. She enjoyed the fact that I wasn't wearing pants and didn't judge me for screaming that fact into the phone in the middle of a conversation!

Work in Progress Wednesday 2/10/10

For this week’s WIP, I’m looking at tackling my WIP’s largest challenge:

Other works in progress.

It seems I’ve been chalk full of ideas lately, and my desktop is beginning to get cluttered by all of half finished documents just hanging around. Although this sounds like a good thing, I know myself well enough to know it’s a sign of one thing – lack of focus.

A piece of work requires focus; otherwise it’s just a fleeting idea, not a story. For something to become a story it must have a narrative arc and each character must also have an arc. Although I’ve become an expert at openings –I find myself writing another one, instead of deciding what happens next. It seems I’m lacking commitment to the honestly of the story, of the character. Since I write narrative non-fiction narrative/personal essays, the narrator is me.

So, what’s holding me back?

FEAR.

I can’t move on because I can’t tell the story without being completely honest. So, fear of honestly must be what’s holding me back.

I tend to write for audience or in response to a call. For my day job, I write about families or business owners for a very specific audience, and this is easy as pie. It’s easy to tell the truth when you know what box to put it in and what bow to place on top.

I think it would do my writing muscle some good to write just to write. When I take the audience out of the equation, those fears of what people will think or how they’ll react will be lifted, and the story will be more honest. The story will be written simply because that story must be written. This why, the story will actually be written instead of a dozen half-told stories, I’ll have told a few stories well.

I can always go back – that’s what re-writes are for!


What’s holding you back in your writing?

How do you keep your stories honest?

Noise

Noise is a part of every mama’s life. It can’t be escaped. From the moment the first phone call is cut short due to excessive background screaming, to the first time you leave mass wondering what the reading and homily were even about, noise is an everyday fixture in family life.
Mathematically speaking,

noise + X = mama guilt.

You see, the X is my response to noise and I’m here to say,

“My name is Holly and I react poorly to the noises my children contribute to my life.”

So, in an effort to grow as a person, wife and mother, I’ve been trying to identify that X and react and adjust accordingly.

My first realization: it’s not only the children that create the noise pollution in this household. It’s all the things I add to the mix.

As a work from home mama with the pipe dream of writing burning stronger every day, I’m in front of the computer for the majority of my waking hours. When the screaming and whining are more than I can take, I hire a babysitter. I have two I turn to most often. Their names are Dora and Elmo and they cost me about $17 bucks a month in cable services.


I’ll pause so you can judge, if you so wish………



So now the TV has been flipped on, Elmo is singing with a lisp in third person form, I’m at the computer, one kid is whining and the other kid is screaming as they fight over the electronic toy whose annoying song I’m convinced was composed just to assault my eardrums. I continue on and at some point, the phone is added to the equation. And this is a typical day in my home.

The other day my husband (who also works from home) tried to have a conversation with his wife. Poor guy. As he took a seat across the room in his chair, he placed all of these distractions between us physically. In order to give him the time of day, I had to bring my hands to my face and block my peripheral vision in order to listen to him. He looked at me like I was insane.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“There’re too much going on and I can’t focus on what you’re saying.” I responded.

This poor attempt at communication with my husband made me think about other important things I may be missing out on because there is too much going on. I believe God speaks to us. But am I drowning Him out with all the noise around me?

By the evening, I had a major malfunction. The girls went to sleep and I felt anxious and jittery. All of my normal evening activities involved the computer and TV and I just couldn’t bring myself to look at either of them. I didn’t know what to do with myself and so I did what I always do when confusion consumes me. I got in bed and pulled the covers over my head.

“Ummm, what are you doing?” My husband asked.

“I don’t know I just need quiet. I can’t take any more noise right now. I need dark and quiet.” I responded.

“Don’t you have to work tonight?” he asked.

“Yeah, I just need 10 minutes of nothing. I’m craving some nothing.” I told him.

I didn’t get out of bed until the wake up alarm otherwise known as the screams on my youngest, Anna, woke me this morning.

The old saying is true. Peace and quiet really do go hand in hand. In my much needed time with quiet last night I indeed found a bit of peace - and my Lenten promise for this year.
It’s time for me to unplug a bit. It’s my hope I’ll be able to clear some noise from my head and my heart. This year, Lent will be my shield as I attempt to ward off the many things attacking my senses. Maybe then I’ll be hearing things a bit more clearly.

Daybook 1/25/10

Outside My Window ...
It’s winter – again/still/always. I’m convinced I suffer from seasonal depression. I’m in serious need of sunlight.

***

I am listening to...
The ticking of the clock. The gals are asleep, and I should be working.

***

To Live the Liturgy…
It looks like we may be joining a parish we would have NEVER seen ourselves joining. We’ve been praying about where our family should be, and think we have an unexpected answer.

To be Fit and Happy….
I’ve got my routine at the YMCA down pretty well! 2 miles on the treadmill and then a half mile in the pool. I’m actually really enjoying it, in part because the additional work out time leads to more music listening time – and I love music. My only fear is that the whole process takes about 2 hours. From the time I start packing the gym bag to the time I return home, it’s about 2 hours. The actual workouts themselves don’t take nearly as long, but when you add in the shower and the travel time – I can’t get it below 2 hours and I really, really don’t have 2 hours. Ideas?
***

I am thankful for ...
Some down time. I don’t actually have anymore time in a day, but I have let to house work go go go go go go! It does really bother me that one could muster together a good size snack from what can be found on the kitchen floor and the gals have taken to finding every shoe in the house and hiding them – but I just can’t keep up. So, I’ve decided to just let it go and trade that time for fun playtime with the girls – something that has been lacking and I have been feeling a lot of guilt over. It’s been so nice to spend some time with them.

***

From the kitchen ...
We’re waiting on payday over here. So, it has been my job to keep creative in the kitchen as to not spend money on anything other than bread and milk. It’s been kind of fun, but I am starting to dream about a trip to the grocery store and all the wonderful things I would rather be making. Because we have been eating healthier, our grocery bill has gone up – a downfall to this whole fitness thing, and one I don’t know how I’ll maintain without redoing the whole budget.
***

I am wearing ...
A pro-life T-shirt and cotton capri pants. I should get dressed, really I should. But, I just can’t bring myself to do it when I don’t feel well, and I don’t feel too well.
***

I am creating ...
Essays, essays, essays. Yup, that’s right, I’m back on a writing kick. I’ve been up until 3 or 4 every night this week – and that’s how I like it.
***

On my iPod
The only music I have. I lost my I-Tunes account in the death of my old computer. I don’t even know my user name or password for I-Tunes, so I fear everything except for what is on my Shuffle is lost. If anyone knows how to help, please fill be in!

***

Towards a real education ...
Tessa is working on her colors and Anna Clare is working on using words instead of having an emotional breakdown. Neither one is really going all that well.

As for myself, I’ve been reading a lot of writing craft books.

***

Bringing beauty to my home ...
We’re still laughing over here. I am so longing for a home of my own. I hate white walls so much and just want to create a space for my family with no restrictions. With rounds of genetic testing and more medical bills piling in, I don’t see the day of homeownership coming anytime – ever. So, I need to learn some new ways to make myself, and my family feel at home. We’ve been here 4 months and Tessa keeps asking to go home. When we’re away and say it’s time to go home, she gets really excited, until we pull in here. Then she starts screaming and crying and saying she wants to go home. I don’t know what to tell her. I wonder how long this will last.

***

I am reading ...
A few books of essays and The Hour I First Believed.

I am hoping and praying….
For the genetic tests we’ve got sent off. We should hear at any time now and if we don’t hear anything today, Joseph will call in the morning. It could go so many ways, and cost sooo very much. I’m praying for simple answers on both fronts.
***

Around the house ...
A writing space for me has been created! I’m so happy. Space is limited, so a nock of my own feels like heaven!

***

One of my favorite things ...
Giggles. We have lots of giggles around here these days. Tessa and Anna are really learning to play well together. Even when they fight, Joseph and I have to hide our laughter because it is too, too cute.
***

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week:
Work. Joseph and I both have so much work to do this week. We are tag teaming everything from who is in charge of the girls to who gets to be sleeping. I’m really stressed and so is he. But, I’m hoping to get away and take the gals to the pool at the YMCA one afternoon this week. They have a slide!
***

Picture Thoughts

I recently had the misfortune of learning one M&M has 5 calories and so, I’ve been spreading the bad news. It’s all I can do to keep myself from eating them because once you know something is super bad for you = you crave it like CRAZY. And, by using the word “you” I clearly mean “me”! This picture was taken over Christmas, when Joseph and I visited M&M world in Las Vegas – before I knew what I know now. Happy snacking!

Work in Progress Wednesday

Work in Progress Wednesday

I’m thrilled to be adding Work in Progress Wednesday to my blog! Not only is this blogging tool a springboard to share, network, and offer support to the online writing community – but it will also be a great way for me to stay accountable to my writing goals! So, without further ado, my first Work in Progress Wednesday:

I’m taking a writing class! I am so excited to be taking this course, but also questioning my sanity. With both my husband and I working from home, his masters program and oh yeah, our 2 kids under age 2, I must have been a lunatic to sign my name to another time commitment. The fact of the matter; I NEED it. I desperately need something of my very own right now. We are working so hard over here and have just been through a time of crisis. My soul is craving something of my very own – something that does not fall into the categories of wife, mother or employee.

Starting Oct. 7, I will be taking the course Personal Essays That Get Published with Abigail Green! I know this class will be a perfect fit for me personally, and for my writing goals. Special thanks go out to Abigail Green and my father for making this possible. Abby was very willing to answer my questions while I was making this decision and my dad helped me make the decision by telling I must take the course and then writing the check for me to do so!

When it comes to marking progress in my writing, my methods are a bit untraditional. Because I write non-fiction, word count and story plotting are not goals on my to do list. Instead, I keep ongoing lists of essay ideas and prompts. When I’m feeling inspired, I write the rough draft of an essay, take the initial line or thought that sparked the idea off the list of potential essays and then place the first draft of the essay in a “to edit” folder. My current goal is to finish edits and re-writes on the essays in that folder BEFORE starting another essay. I have too many unfinished pieces of work floating around on my desktop. This week’s goal: 2 essays.

Another writing goal I am working on is choosing a writer’s conference. I’ve been reading on agent and author blogs about how beneficial this experience has been to the writing process. I am stating to research and save my pennies. I hope to make my appearance at a writer’s conference next fall. Any suggestions for a conference offering information on non-fiction would be greatly appreciated!

Until next week, if you need to find me, I’ll be glued to my computer!

For All The Writers Out There....

For All The Writers Out There….

We moved. It was long, hot, difficult, and a turning point for our family. I’ll be sharing the good and bad of it all in an upcoming post. But I am so baffled by the irony of life right now I had to share.

Along with moving comes many more things on the to do list. I’m aware of this and for the most part, ok with it. I’ve spent the last few days making phone calls, changing our address, getting recommendations for doctors and stocking up on groceries and all the new things one needs in a new place. I also have a job, a hubby in transition and recovery and oh yeah, 2 kids under 2.

So, why oh why has the inspiration bug hit me now? Here, at midnight when I should be sleeping, or unpacking, or working or paying the bills – when I have to get up in the morning and try to catch up on life?

So I’m up writing. I’m pleased with what is coming to me, but sometimes wish I could choose the day and the time.

I ask my fellow writers out there if this happens to you as well? If so, please share (and explain!)

Photo credit: photoscom

The Winds of Change

The Winds of Change

The summer has been long and trying. We were heartbroken (no pun intended) when we found out about Joseph’s health and put all our big life plans for graduate degrees and moving vans on hold.

And here we are, once again planning our move. Joseph has been given the clearance from his doctors to move and resume his graduate studies. In all actuality, God’ timing has been wonderful. Joseph will be able to continue working toward his dream while also preparing to become an even better provider for our family. He’ll be able to do all of this while he is healing. Perfect timing, as working full time during these recovery months would be very taxing on him. Things have come full circle for us, as they often do.

The foundation of our relationship was build while Joseph was first attending graduate school. For this reason, I feel as young as I did then, before health crisis and financial woes of having a family were even on my radar. Instead, I’m so hopeful. We are now living in a constant state of possibility! Overall – it’s so very refreshing!

We’ve found the place we will call home in the very near future. It’s a cute little condo/townhome featuring the same amount of square footage we currently have, but with some modest and exciting upgrades from our current family dwelling. Some if these include; a private front door and stoop, an open kitchen facing out into the living area, a garage, a shower in the second bathroom, and my personal favorite - a washer and dryer!! Praise the Lord! We’ll sign the papers this coming Friday and move in on the 28th!

Excitement fills my days and visions of new decorating schemes dance, dance, dance in my head. However, I have a few reality checks to consider before I pack my first box. We have three weekends until we move and they are all booked up. Two of these weekends are out of town weddings for which Joseph has been hired as the videographer, great for our very little family business, bad timing for me. I also have my ten-year high school reunion (yikes!) I would really like to attend. This may have to go, sad as it makes me. It’s just too far away. I also have two deadlines for work and let’s not forget there is a family of four to pack up and I am currently the only able bodied person among us. It all feels a bit overwhelming, but in such a great way. I know I can make it through this and am happy to be doing so. If the month of July, with all the ups and downs it brought with the health of my family taught me anything, it is that I truly am stronger than I knew! I am so thankful for this gift.

And now it’s time to move onto other winds, those of my call. It goes without saying my first call is to motherhood. It is my vocation, and I accept it with thanksgiving and gratitude. However, it has been a very big year for me and my writing. Looking back, I think it was through my true vocation of motherhood I found my call to writing to be stronger than I’d anticipated. After I had Tessa Joseph took a second job to pay off some debt and start this family off on the right foot. We were gifted with a second car from some wonderful and charitable friends and off he went two nights a week to work. While Tessa slept and my husband worked, I wrote. I wrote because I finally wasn’t afraid to. Becoming a mother did that for me.

Shortly after I became pregnant again and once Anna arrived we went into survival mode for a long while. Having a fussy, screaming and ant-sleeping baby will do that to a gal. Even in all of this, I wrote. I wrote because I couldn’t NOT write. I also really started to pray about writing.

I’ve been still and listened, and I’ve received the message loud and clear. I’m to actively pursue this. I AM actively pursuing this writing thing. It’s scary and exciting and wonderful and stressful and….I love it. And now that I’ve said it, it’s real and I am accountable for my dreams and my gifts.

The winds of change are alive and well over here in the Rutchik home, and something tells me these winds of change are those of the Spirit.

One of THOSE Moms

One of THOSE Moms

So here I am! I’m back. This month has been the longest, and hardest, of my life. I will never again complain about being stressed out and busy in life, unless I really am in one of these situations again. God willing, I won't be. In reality….it’s something to prepare for.

I heard once that people who struggle with stress, anxiety and worry should ask themselves this question:

Is this going to matter in five years?

If the answer is “yes” then one can feel justified in allowing these emotions to consume them. I’m not sure how I feel about it, but it has crossed my mind in the last month.

I have so many things to work through with what we have been through, and don’t think the blog is the best place to do so, at least not right now. I will give this update though:

Joseph is doing well and seems to have recovered well from his surgery and set back. The process is taking much longer than it did three years ago when he had heart surgery, but the doctors say that is to be expected with having to go into the chest a second time. His spirits are high, and his doctors have said if he feels able, he should be able to resume his graduate program in September! Thank you all for your prayers and messages, they really meant so much to me and I will get around to addressing them. This brings me to a question for my fellow writers out there:

I’ve been writing a lot lately, big life events tend to do that to a writer. I’m using some of these things for some pieces I will be submitting, so I don’t know how much to share on the blog—thoughts—rules of the writing/blogging game? I would love to hear about how the rest of you wordsmiths deal with this.

Now, onto more important things – my children, and the reason for the title of this entry.
I always told myself I won’t be “one of THOSE moms.” I said this in reference to many things. One of these things has to do with art projects and general creative F-U-N. It is so very important to Joseph and I to nurture and affirm the creative development of our children. In doing so, I don’t mean that I want to “do” their projects for them, like SOME moms. I really want to provide them with the opportunity to be creative and to teach them, form a very young age, to create. I know some of my friends and family think I'm nuts for giving art projects to 6 month old babies, but I don’t want then to ever remember a time when they didn’t create! So, we WILL do projects in this home, and I WON’T be one of THOSE moms who directs/does the work for the child. They don’t need me, they are brilliant just being themselves.

Anna seems to take to the painting much more than Tessa. I remember doing projects with Tessa when she was Anna’s age and she tended to like taking apart and putting together the materials more than she liked actually using them. She also would rather play in the water bowl that I always have on hand for a project. We are realizing how very much she LOVES anything that has anything to do with water. She even talks to water, when she sees it and when she is laying in her bed at night talking to herself—it is all about water. She loves to swim and even goes under the water already. Joseph (a swimmer himself) is so very proud!

Anna LOVED the painting. She seemed to like how it felt on her hands and enjoyed moving it around on the paper. Like all things Anna does, she was very focused and pleased with having a task at hand—while Tessa screamed and danced and splashed in the “WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHYAAAAAARRRRRR”

Aunt Karyi and Daddy were here for the memory making day. It was very close to a perfect weekend! It was the first time, in a long time, we have felt semi-normal – like a family – not a “sick” family.

It was so needed.

Too “Busy” For Joy? Not In Our Home!

How many times have we heard, “We’re too busy” in response to a question involving something “fun?” I’ve heard it often form others, and on occasion, as it escapes my own lips. It saddens me how “busy” we are has almost become a mark of social distinction. When did it become fashionable to be so overbooked, stressed out and sleep deprived?

Do our children really need to be shuffled here and there, to activity after activity until they don’t even know how to enjoy down time? What does this way of life do to the development of their little souls? I don’t have children old enough to be involved in activities and sports - yet. I hear so much about this way of life from other mom’s, I can’t help but wonder how I will deal with it when my time comes.

My husband and I worry that too many choices can be oppressing. If one is so busy doing a million different things, how can they really discern and develop the gifts God has given them? As parents, would it be horrible of us to allow our children to try many different things, and then pull them out of the things they aren’t gifted in? This is by no means a criticism of mothers who try to do it all. We all do the very best we can, and that means different things for different families.

Unfortunately, this over booked way of life is tempting to those living the vocation of motherhood. Of course there is always something to be cleaned, made, fixed, organized or packed. It’s the nature of running a living household blessed with little souls. It’s not uncommon to hear women singing the praises of another mother and using phrasing like, “she never sits down, she’s always doing something!” “I WISH I could get as much done as her!” What concerns me is not the state of the bathrooms in the homes of these woman, (as I am sure they are immaculate and ready for unexpected company) but the spiritual lives of the women who are raising our future Church. Time for contemplation and the ability to do so is a skill that improves over time. Time, that one little word defines so much of our lives.

Why are we creating all this busyness? Isn’t the point of working, cleaning, making meals in the kitchen and doing the laundry all in order to have our needs met so we can be able to……..to what? I want to fill in that blank with JOY! We are so busy doing all of these things in life so that we can get them done and enjoy….life! Our blessings and lessons can be found in the work, and the play that NEEDS to follow.

I’ve been praying to find the joy in the things that stress me out. Since I am a firm believer in full disclosure for the sake of relating, here goes:

This week I have a full plate of things to do for work. Although I actually really enjoy my job, there is one aspect of it that makes me uncomfortable. After I write articles on people, I have to give them a title to go on the cover of the newsletter. Generally, these titles need to be really friendly and inviting. Since I’m a bit of a sarcastic person, I call it “campy,” or “hokey.” I’m just not in tune with “happy, happy” things. I have no gage for knowing if something is good or lame, because I think everything is lame.

For this reason, my husband has a love/hate relationship with watching TV commercials with me. ‘DUMB,” “LAME,” and, “PaaaaLEASE!” are words often shouted off the couch - where I sit in my creatively elitist perch. So, in order for me to allow myself to write these types of things on paper without cringing, I enlist the help of my husband each month. Unfortunately, he thinks everything is lame too, so it has become a really fun game for us. This is where JOY entered our incredibly busy weekend. Yes, we would both have rather been sleeping at 1am last night as I was still working. But, instead of me complaining because I have so much to do, or my husband whining about having to take care of the baby so I could get my work done, we played “name that article,” and laughed. God, how we laughed! After going waaaaay too far into cornyville and giggling about what people would think, we chose:

“Does Your Lawn Need a Check Up? Matt’s On Call!”

For an article about a college kid who does landscaping in order to pay for his dream of going to medical school. Get it? I know, we think we're super clever. I actually still think it’s lame, but my husband assured me it’s, “the right amount of lame.” It was a blessing to share this time together. Looking back, we would have missed it if I would not have been working. And, we found the joy in the situation while our living room looked like this:


I know, it’s bad, you can judge if you want, but we’ve got joy in our hearts over here!


Because I knew my husband would be dog tired today from our late night last night, and because I am slightly too tired to chase around my 18 month old, I decided to pack it up and bring joy to daddy’s office this morning. I put the girls in the van, hit the drive through for a dollar large pop to help my hubby get through the day, and surprised Joseph at work! He was thrilled to see us- and thankful for the gift of caffeine! Another joyful moment derived from what we could have decided was a stressful situation.

I pray for the ability to turn all of my stress over to God, leaving more room for Joy to move on in! I pray for joy in your lives as well.

Daddy, at work, with his baby girls. Who won't leave the house a mess in order to surprise their hubby and put this look on his face!

When Can One Call Themselves a Writer?

This is me--in my true vocation-- with my daughter Anna on her birth day this winter.

When you’re one of those people who dips their fingers into many pots, you often feel as though you don’t have a “thing.” I’ve always been one of those people. Slightly talented at many things, but not amazingly gifted at anything. This is my personal assessment and of course, as any great husband would, mine disagrees.

When a student struggles with a major or a career path in college (as I did, changing majors 5 times) they are told to go back to what they were good at and loved as a child, and there will lie the answer. I always found this to be horrible advice and quite frankly, a cop out answer one tells the kid who is going nowhere.

I have recently changed my mind—I’ve done so as I’ve come to understand God. God really does love each and every one of us unconditionally. Imago Dei-in the image and likeness of God. I’ve often had a difficult time thinking of God in this way. Yes, I’ve been able to grasp the concept that He loves me (and all those I struggle to find the face of Christ in daily) but, He created me for a very specific reason and only I can fulfill His purpose for me. Wow! That is like no other type of love. So how does God do this? He gives us gifts that will aid us in loving and serving him in the way He created us to. Therefore, a wasted or unused gift may even be a sin.

It is through becoming a wife and mother I’ve come to better understand this aspect of our God. Tricky how that works huh? It’s when we come into our vocation, His plan for us, we are drawn closer to Christ. Now, I would never, ever, image using the phrase “just a mother,” it is by far the most challenging and rewarding thing I have ever, or will ever, undertake. However, I do still think about that little me, sitting in the elementary class room, rushing though my assignments, doing a poor job of it and not caring. I just wanted to get them done so I could take out my book and read or my journal and write. I find it amusing my greatest gift is with words, and I am dyslexic. What a blessing to have a humbling quality build right into my gift! Words have been a part of me since I can remember and after prayer and discernment, I believe God has given me a gift with words for a reason.

I’m on a mission to find this reason! I started bloging so I would have documentation of my days as a young mommy. But what truly sets my heart on fire are the things I find to write about in the wee hours of the night/morning. At times, I feel God guides me through my written reflection and projects. Because it brings me closer to Him, I know He is pleased I’m taking personal time for it. I’ve never been really good at goals or self-discipline, but I figure if it involves something pleasing to God, I may just indeed have the follow through. A year and a half ago, when I turned 27, I vowed to be published by the time I turn thirty. It hasn’t happened yet. I know I have a year and a half to go, but I am becoming discouraged. I would be speaking falsely if I said I had been trying really hard to make this happen. However, I feel I’ve kept the goal and the discipline to achieve it—I just don’t know how to go about making it happen. Because I have the true intentions of using my gift only for the glory and service of God, I humbly ask for advice and help.

May God bless you as you live out your vocation and search for new and better ways to serve and give glory to Him. I too, will pray for you!