I took a weekend vacation and never went back to work

After two years of hard work and 6 months of extreme family sacrifice, my husband recently defended his graduate thesis and received his master’s degree. The very first thing we did (even before the poor sleep deprived man took a nap) was book a mini family vacation for the following weekend.

Over the past few months “family time,” has gradually slipped further and further down the priority list. It was the season of our life and we feel confident the sacrifices we made will pay dividends for our family, but something had to be done.

Have you ever started a deep cleaning project and stopped to take a break only to find yourself mortified by the mess you’d made? Things tend to get worse before they get better.

We put all other pressing things we had let slide over the past month on hold and picked our family up off the floor.

We visited Wisconsin Dells, staying away from most of the tourist attractions and focusing on quality, low-key, family time. We took a horse-drawn ride into Lost Canyon, boarded a “choo-choo” train in North freedom, WI, and had a morning under the big-top at Circus World in Baraboo.

As with any family vacation with small children, there were casualties. Anna was kicked by a horse, there were 4 scrapped knees, mama and the baby got too much sun, the brakes on the van died and Tessa’s ear found the not-so-friendly end of an iron stool on the train.

Amidst the excitement and wonderful family time, the cloud of stress and indecision that had been hovering over us lifted and feelings on recent big changes in our life became more clear.

I recently accepted a position at a parish to work 25 hours a week coordinating Faith Formation. The parish is wonderful and the people working in Faith Formation are wonderful. At first instinct 25 hours per week sounded like a bit much for me. I work from home 10 hours a week, freelance write, and you know- mother 3 kids 3 and under. I was offered flexibility and I do have this master’s degree in theology collecting dust on my shelf so, I signed on the dotted line.

But something funny happened while we were on vacation, taking time to enjoy each other and not letting the stresses of everyday life live in the forefronts of our minds. Somewhere between the picnic lunches, relaxing in the hot-tub and spending family time together, for the first time in recent months prayer found a way to pierce through a barrier it couldn’t break through at home:

Joseph decided this is not what he wants for his family.

I’ve been blessed with a loyal and true man. In the almost five years we’ve been married we’ve had many decisions to make. Some of them were placed upon us and out of our control (medical emergencies), and some of them we brought on ourselves through the mistakes we’ve made. And, we’ve made a lot of mistakes.

It has taken my husband a while to figure out what he wants to do “when he grows up.” It’s been hard, having him figure this out as we had 3 kids in 3 years and while he also had 2 heart surgeries in that time. He’s worked really hard to finish his master’s degree and put himself in a position to advance his career.

The only thing he has been sure of in the five years we’ve been married is that he feels called to help me fulfill my call to write. He doesn’t want me to add something to my plate that does not promote that calling, and does not want me going back to work – taking time away from my callings of motherhood and writing.

How blessed I am with a husband who feels even more strongly about my callings than I do.

I will not be going back to working outside the home after all. I’ll be sticking with my work from home job and freelancing. Since we made this decision we have received several affirmations so we are going to trust in my husband’s plan for our family, and in God, that this plan is the best one for us.

My weekend vacation led to my not going back to work.

Vacations are important (even the Pope agrees). They give us a chance to step out of our everyday responsibilities. They give us the opportunity to see our life through a different lens. This time, for us, that lens was a bit clearer and we were able to identify the mismanagement of our priority list.

There are many ways to take a vacation or “time-out” in life. Sometimes they lead to bigger and better things than souvenirs and pictures for the scrapbook. Have you taken one recently?

The Working Mother

I’m a working mother. In my opinion, the words “mother” and “worker” are synonyms.

I don’t claim to understand the inner workings or mystery that is God. I believe the vastness of His love is too much for our mortal, fallen minds to grasp.

I am sure our worth is not found in a paycheck and that every life holds the same amount of value. That amount does not begin with a dollar sign.

This is not the mind set of our culture. Questions such as “what do you do?” and “what are you?” are quick to form on the lips of strangers and long lost friends. The answers sought are often job titles, and expected as definitions of a person instead of how a paycheck is earned.

When a mother is asked what she “does” there is often a qualifier placed in front of her answer, either by herself or the person she’s speaking to. “Oh, I’m JUST a mom,” or, “so you JUST stay home?”

Don’t cut yourself short, moms! There’s no “just” about this gig! Let’s all get together on one thing; in the language of motherhood, “just” should indeed be treated as a four letter word. Let’s not say it about ourselves or let others use it in reference to our vocation.

There are many calls to the same vocation. This is especially true of motherhood. Some are called to be the family breadwinner; some are called to be home fulltime, some half time. There are mothers who are called to bring new life into the world yearly during their season of fertility in the form of a new baby while others carry the cross of infertility. Some mothers are called to mother children of the world who have no mother.

As mother, the one thing we all have in common is that we are all called to live our lives breathing life into the world, be that into little souls trusted in our care or in the many other ways God calls that breath from us into the world. It is fruitful. It is good, and it is different in each mother.

I am currently called to be a work at home mother. Working from home is stressful, but worth it for our family. I started working from home for a family centered company when our second daughter was two months old. The opportunity was a God send for me.

Joseph and I had just had two daughters in one year and realized we needed an additional source of income. Over these two years my commitment has varied. My role and time commitment has nicely settled into about 15 hours a week.

My freelancing career has grown greatly over these past two years. On average, I am working on freelance assignments about10 hours a week, putting my total weekly working hours at about 25.

The addition of these freelance hours has helped me become a better worker and a better mother. When I found myself too overwhelmed with these commitments I took a step back and really discerned how I work.

I used to “work” all throughout the day. Making a phone call here and there, checking my e-mail every hour and answering e-mails as they came in. At the end of the day I had really only “worked” maybe an hour and a half. Yet, I felt like I was working all day every day and that the TV was babysitting my children.

My husband and I decided this was not working for our family and after much discernment, we decided that although I am still called to be a work at home mother, how I went about it needed to change. With my freelancing growing we decided it was time to make room in our lives for me to have some solid and defined working time.

For the past few months we have set aside larger blocks of time for me to work. Instead of always feeling like my mind was on work while my kids fit between those stresses, we’ve shifted our focus. I work less days but for longer periods of time. This has created less time stressing about work and more time actually working. It’s been a wonderful change for me mentally and it’s been great for my projects and my motherhood. I’ve been able to take on more freelance work and feel the publications I work on for my job have become better as a result.

The last trimester of this pregnancy has been one of great discernment for this work at home mother. I have a masters degree and the student loans that often accompany such a degree. In the past month many have asked me when I am going to “use” my degree.

My favorite question is, “when are you going to stop wasting your degree and go back to work?”

The question boils my blood. I do work. I am a mother, and a working mother at that. Just because I don’t leave my house everyday does not mean I’m not working, that I’m wasting my education or that I am financially lazy.

A few doors were recently opened to me and there was the possibility of me going back to work, full or part time, outside of the home.

During the daytime hours I was able to talk myself into this. I thought of all the debt we could pay off, vacations we could take and stress that would be taken off our plate.

But, the night. The night was another story.

For a few days I was unable to sleep and didn’t know why. Then I started having panic attacks. As perfect as the plan sounded, I am not called to it. I am called to be doing what I’m doing. I am home with my kids AND I work. The way our family pieces that all together is unconventional, but it works for us.

I feel so blessed to be home with my girls, doing a job I really like, working with people who share the same values as we do and building my writing career right along side my family. We are willing to sacrifice to live in the way we feel called. Just as mothers who work full time outside of the home are willing to sacrifice things to fill the role they are called to as a mother. Same vocation: different and equal call.

Like many other things in life, motherhood seldom goes exactly as expected. I learned this lesson in my first days as a mother when I was unable to breastfeed. I was heartbroken. I had convinced myself that to be a good mother one MUST breastfeed. God did not create that opportunity for me. Instead, His plan was much greater. His plan was Irish twins for us. This heartbreak turned into the blessing we call Anna Clare.

As I write this, I am very pregnant. My mother has come for a few days to help take care of the girls and clean my house so I may rest and get ahead on my projects and job to prepare for the birth of our third daughter. On this very day we are both answering the call to motherhood. My mother on her hands and knees scrubbing floors for her daughter and I in a chair, resting so that the daughter in my womb may grow strong and ready to enter the world. Very different kinds of work, but work none the less.

Truth is, there is as many definitions of a good mother as there are mothers. We need not compare our situations and gifts to one another. Motherhood is not a competition. There need not be winners and losers. As mothers we love children, and therefore want all mothers to be winners.

We’re all working mothers. We are exactly the mothers our children need and we fulfill this call in many different ways.

Motherhood, in all its many forms is a high call and a lot of WORK. No ifs, ands, buts or “justs” about it!

Some Days the Rules are Different

Children need schedules and structure. So say the experts who have time to get their doctorates in child rearing or pop psychology and you know, sit down and write a book.

I bet those people don’t have kids. Or have one, and a live in nanny. They don't have their 3rd daughter in 3 years on the way.

Look, I KNOW kids need to know what to expect. They need to know certain behaviors have direct consequences. I believe this, we parent this way. Almost every day.

some days the rules are different. Because some days the rent needs to be paid. Today is one of those days. Mama and daddy are both working from home today.

The girls are dressed, sort of. Their hair has not been combed and the afternoon snack was indeed rice crispy bars. Said bars were handed out while mama was really busy with an important e-mail. 15 minutes later I retreated to the bedroom to sit on the bed (which has dried pee on it from a three year old’s naptime accident) to make an important phone call. When I came out the girls were once again eating rice crispy bars for a snack.

“I just gave them a snack,” I said to my husband.

“Oh sorry,” he said.

Daddy was busy. He was working on an important e-mail and needed the gals to have a snack. It seems he has the same tricks I do.

So we can’t live like this every day. But, some days the rules are different. Pretzels, yogurt and left over pancakes just have to count as lunch some days.

Locking the girls in their room to play the game “you can knock on the door to be let out after every book and toy has been picked up and put away” must count as the afternoon activity once in a while.

Who’s with me?

God's Will

It seems I have “handle with care” stamped on my forehead these days – and I can understand why. I greatly appreciate the outpouring of prayers, offers of support, encouragement and friendship that God has revealed to me through those He has placed in my life. As a person whose gift is GIVING support, it’s been a hard pill to swallow, and I’ve been showered with grace as I’ve learned to do so.
I know my family and I have been on the hearts of many recently. And so, I will begin with a family update:

JOSEPH:

Joseph had his six-month post surgery appointments in these last few weeks and as of now, his CAT-SCAN is looking good. His cardiologist, and Marfans Specialist, expressed some concern that maybe Joseph has a different connective tissue disorder rather than Marfans. We’ve been thinking about doing genetic testing for a while and have been putting it off due to the financial expenses involved. Insurance does not cover these tests and each one starts in the thousands of dollars. However, we do need to identify the condition and where it sits in his genes so that we can test our daughters and know who, if either, of them has the condition.
This week, Joseph’s genetic test for Marfans came back negative. We are disappointed. Ok, we are very disappointed. From the little information we have on the other possible connective tissue culprits - they only get scarier. Because of the cost I mentioned above, we are doing these tests in rounds, as to not have to pay for any more than we need to. We have decided to test his DNA for Loeys Dietz Syndrome. Each round of tests takes 2 weeks. We made this decision on Wednesday and should know in the next week. As soon as Joseph tests positive for a connective tissue disorder, we will then have our daughters tested. I’ve always said the unknowing is the hardest part, I’m starting to reconsider.


TESSA:
Tessa continues to amaze me every day! Her joy for life truly inspires me. As she settles into her second year of life, her gifts are bubbling over and it has been my saving grace to witness. Currently at the forefront –any and all things artistic. She is always drawing and trying to understand shapes. Tessa’s mommy has been doing a lot of crying lately and although I’m feeling a bit defeated in life, I’m getting a glimpse of my children I don’t think I’d be seeing if things were more stable around here. Nothing hurts Tessa more than the sight of tears in any member of our family. Her little being gets so upset and worry takes over her pudgy little face at the first sign of distress in a family member. Her empathy amazes me. She has been gifted with great intuition and is finding out early in her life that this gift comes with a great responsibility. So much so, she has started talking and tossing and turning in her sleep. I’ve been lying awake at night and listening to her “love” us through the bedroom walls as she sleeps through her restlessness.


ANNA CALRE:
Oh, my lovely Anna Clare. She is a gal of great extremes. Her screaming and intense emotional reactions have been more than her parents can take since the day she was born. However, her “ups” are well worth the price of her downs. When joy fills this little one, it consumes every part of her being. She has a difficult time containing her excitement and has taken to just screaming out gibberish because she just can’t keep in how happy songs and games make her feel. I call it her “joy seizure” because it is an overwhelming thing to witness. Her smiles are big, her eyes are bright and her cuddles are my best medicine. I can’t wait to continue to meet her each and every day. I never know what I’ll get. She has an element of surprise about her that prevents me from ever closing my heart. I thank her for this gift and praise God for the two very different souls he has entrusted to our care.


MYSELF:
I’ve received many calls and e-mails expressing concern for me. I appreciate them all. I’m thankful to have been blessed with the presence of so many loving people in my life. We have been through a lot and yes, I am stretched thin. Yes, I know it is “too” thin. Joseph and I are constantly working and I am worried and frustrated. It’s so hard when we know we work more hours in a week than most we know. It’s hard because we do so not to get ahead or even enjoy the things most others our age are working for such as buying a home, starting a business or saving for a vacation. We are on what my husband calls “The Red Queen Theory.” This theory, from Alice and Wonderland, is about running as fast as you possibly can –just to stay where you are. It’s a frustrating place to be, especially because we are forced to live each day face to face with mortality. We both have great fears that if it’s God’s will we don’t live this earthly life together until a ripe old age that we will have regrets. Regrets of too much time spend in worry about health and finances, shooing the children away, working and so on. It is discouraging, knowing we are doing the best we can, and knowing it’s not enough.

But...................

Isn’t this the point? Isn’t this our faith? Ok, so my family has been pounded with hardship after hardship. Yup, we are working ourselves day in and day out just to spiral deeper into medical debt. And, our biggest challenges are those of unknowing. Will this family stay healthy? Can we ward off the next medical concern? Will these medical concerns prevent this family from ever growing in size and into a place to call our own?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. I’ve had my fair share of good cries and “why me’s”. However, I have been blessed! I have been given a glimpse of true and unconditional love that not many others will know until they are called home. I’ve seen the best qualities of those around me drawn out by our hardships as they’ve rallied to our sides. I’ve been given graces from God to grow in holiness and love with my husband as we have had no choice but to take each other’s hands and humble ourselves to one another just to get out of bed in the morning and face the day. I’ve been blessed with daughters who are learning to see that the face of Christ and the beauty of God’s love is found in suffering. What spiritual possibilities there will be for the lives of little ladies who have this engrained within them! The evils they may be saved from because they won’t have the temptation many young people have to define God by what they find within themselves. They’ll know to look upward with open arms. They’ll know what love looks like. They’ll be so filled with it, they’ll want to pour it out and spread it wide. They’ll have grown up with parents who lived everyday broken wide open.

So, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your worry, and your love. But please, don’t feel sorry for me for we have no need for pity over here – we have love, growing spiritual lives, more friendly faces than we know what to do with and - we have God. We’ve been given the opportunity to be pushed down and forced to die to ourselves and the desires of this world. We are broken, bleeding and helpless – therefore we have a clear vision of the hand that reaches down to help us up and we are so thankful for it.

Plus, how bad can things get, baseball season is almost here!

I pray for whatever way God has chosen to reveal Himself to you and your family,
Holly


***Supporter of the week goes to Kelley at Mamalog who gifted me with these words of support and encouragement. This post Kelley wrote about me touched me deeply and showed me how wonderful it is when we share our faith with each other!

Joseph and I at the Giants vs. Brewers game this past summer a few days before his second surgery

Daybook 1/25/10

Outside My Window ...
It’s winter – again/still/always. I’m convinced I suffer from seasonal depression. I’m in serious need of sunlight.

***

I am listening to...
The ticking of the clock. The gals are asleep, and I should be working.

***

To Live the Liturgy…
It looks like we may be joining a parish we would have NEVER seen ourselves joining. We’ve been praying about where our family should be, and think we have an unexpected answer.

To be Fit and Happy….
I’ve got my routine at the YMCA down pretty well! 2 miles on the treadmill and then a half mile in the pool. I’m actually really enjoying it, in part because the additional work out time leads to more music listening time – and I love music. My only fear is that the whole process takes about 2 hours. From the time I start packing the gym bag to the time I return home, it’s about 2 hours. The actual workouts themselves don’t take nearly as long, but when you add in the shower and the travel time – I can’t get it below 2 hours and I really, really don’t have 2 hours. Ideas?
***

I am thankful for ...
Some down time. I don’t actually have anymore time in a day, but I have let to house work go go go go go go! It does really bother me that one could muster together a good size snack from what can be found on the kitchen floor and the gals have taken to finding every shoe in the house and hiding them – but I just can’t keep up. So, I’ve decided to just let it go and trade that time for fun playtime with the girls – something that has been lacking and I have been feeling a lot of guilt over. It’s been so nice to spend some time with them.

***

From the kitchen ...
We’re waiting on payday over here. So, it has been my job to keep creative in the kitchen as to not spend money on anything other than bread and milk. It’s been kind of fun, but I am starting to dream about a trip to the grocery store and all the wonderful things I would rather be making. Because we have been eating healthier, our grocery bill has gone up – a downfall to this whole fitness thing, and one I don’t know how I’ll maintain without redoing the whole budget.
***

I am wearing ...
A pro-life T-shirt and cotton capri pants. I should get dressed, really I should. But, I just can’t bring myself to do it when I don’t feel well, and I don’t feel too well.
***

I am creating ...
Essays, essays, essays. Yup, that’s right, I’m back on a writing kick. I’ve been up until 3 or 4 every night this week – and that’s how I like it.
***

On my iPod
The only music I have. I lost my I-Tunes account in the death of my old computer. I don’t even know my user name or password for I-Tunes, so I fear everything except for what is on my Shuffle is lost. If anyone knows how to help, please fill be in!

***

Towards a real education ...
Tessa is working on her colors and Anna Clare is working on using words instead of having an emotional breakdown. Neither one is really going all that well.

As for myself, I’ve been reading a lot of writing craft books.

***

Bringing beauty to my home ...
We’re still laughing over here. I am so longing for a home of my own. I hate white walls so much and just want to create a space for my family with no restrictions. With rounds of genetic testing and more medical bills piling in, I don’t see the day of homeownership coming anytime – ever. So, I need to learn some new ways to make myself, and my family feel at home. We’ve been here 4 months and Tessa keeps asking to go home. When we’re away and say it’s time to go home, she gets really excited, until we pull in here. Then she starts screaming and crying and saying she wants to go home. I don’t know what to tell her. I wonder how long this will last.

***

I am reading ...
A few books of essays and The Hour I First Believed.

I am hoping and praying….
For the genetic tests we’ve got sent off. We should hear at any time now and if we don’t hear anything today, Joseph will call in the morning. It could go so many ways, and cost sooo very much. I’m praying for simple answers on both fronts.
***

Around the house ...
A writing space for me has been created! I’m so happy. Space is limited, so a nock of my own feels like heaven!

***

One of my favorite things ...
Giggles. We have lots of giggles around here these days. Tessa and Anna are really learning to play well together. Even when they fight, Joseph and I have to hide our laughter because it is too, too cute.
***

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week:
Work. Joseph and I both have so much work to do this week. We are tag teaming everything from who is in charge of the girls to who gets to be sleeping. I’m really stressed and so is he. But, I’m hoping to get away and take the gals to the pool at the YMCA one afternoon this week. They have a slide!
***

Picture Thoughts

I recently had the misfortune of learning one M&M has 5 calories and so, I’ve been spreading the bad news. It’s all I can do to keep myself from eating them because once you know something is super bad for you = you crave it like CRAZY. And, by using the word “you” I clearly mean “me”! This picture was taken over Christmas, when Joseph and I visited M&M world in Las Vegas – before I knew what I know now. Happy snacking!

Too “Busy” For Joy? Not In Our Home!

How many times have we heard, “We’re too busy” in response to a question involving something “fun?” I’ve heard it often form others, and on occasion, as it escapes my own lips. It saddens me how “busy” we are has almost become a mark of social distinction. When did it become fashionable to be so overbooked, stressed out and sleep deprived?

Do our children really need to be shuffled here and there, to activity after activity until they don’t even know how to enjoy down time? What does this way of life do to the development of their little souls? I don’t have children old enough to be involved in activities and sports - yet. I hear so much about this way of life from other mom’s, I can’t help but wonder how I will deal with it when my time comes.

My husband and I worry that too many choices can be oppressing. If one is so busy doing a million different things, how can they really discern and develop the gifts God has given them? As parents, would it be horrible of us to allow our children to try many different things, and then pull them out of the things they aren’t gifted in? This is by no means a criticism of mothers who try to do it all. We all do the very best we can, and that means different things for different families.

Unfortunately, this over booked way of life is tempting to those living the vocation of motherhood. Of course there is always something to be cleaned, made, fixed, organized or packed. It’s the nature of running a living household blessed with little souls. It’s not uncommon to hear women singing the praises of another mother and using phrasing like, “she never sits down, she’s always doing something!” “I WISH I could get as much done as her!” What concerns me is not the state of the bathrooms in the homes of these woman, (as I am sure they are immaculate and ready for unexpected company) but the spiritual lives of the women who are raising our future Church. Time for contemplation and the ability to do so is a skill that improves over time. Time, that one little word defines so much of our lives.

Why are we creating all this busyness? Isn’t the point of working, cleaning, making meals in the kitchen and doing the laundry all in order to have our needs met so we can be able to……..to what? I want to fill in that blank with JOY! We are so busy doing all of these things in life so that we can get them done and enjoy….life! Our blessings and lessons can be found in the work, and the play that NEEDS to follow.

I’ve been praying to find the joy in the things that stress me out. Since I am a firm believer in full disclosure for the sake of relating, here goes:

This week I have a full plate of things to do for work. Although I actually really enjoy my job, there is one aspect of it that makes me uncomfortable. After I write articles on people, I have to give them a title to go on the cover of the newsletter. Generally, these titles need to be really friendly and inviting. Since I’m a bit of a sarcastic person, I call it “campy,” or “hokey.” I’m just not in tune with “happy, happy” things. I have no gage for knowing if something is good or lame, because I think everything is lame.

For this reason, my husband has a love/hate relationship with watching TV commercials with me. ‘DUMB,” “LAME,” and, “PaaaaLEASE!” are words often shouted off the couch - where I sit in my creatively elitist perch. So, in order for me to allow myself to write these types of things on paper without cringing, I enlist the help of my husband each month. Unfortunately, he thinks everything is lame too, so it has become a really fun game for us. This is where JOY entered our incredibly busy weekend. Yes, we would both have rather been sleeping at 1am last night as I was still working. But, instead of me complaining because I have so much to do, or my husband whining about having to take care of the baby so I could get my work done, we played “name that article,” and laughed. God, how we laughed! After going waaaaay too far into cornyville and giggling about what people would think, we chose:

“Does Your Lawn Need a Check Up? Matt’s On Call!”

For an article about a college kid who does landscaping in order to pay for his dream of going to medical school. Get it? I know, we think we're super clever. I actually still think it’s lame, but my husband assured me it’s, “the right amount of lame.” It was a blessing to share this time together. Looking back, we would have missed it if I would not have been working. And, we found the joy in the situation while our living room looked like this:


I know, it’s bad, you can judge if you want, but we’ve got joy in our hearts over here!


Because I knew my husband would be dog tired today from our late night last night, and because I am slightly too tired to chase around my 18 month old, I decided to pack it up and bring joy to daddy’s office this morning. I put the girls in the van, hit the drive through for a dollar large pop to help my hubby get through the day, and surprised Joseph at work! He was thrilled to see us- and thankful for the gift of caffeine! Another joyful moment derived from what we could have decided was a stressful situation.

I pray for the ability to turn all of my stress over to God, leaving more room for Joy to move on in! I pray for joy in your lives as well.

Daddy, at work, with his baby girls. Who won't leave the house a mess in order to surprise their hubby and put this look on his face!