Back to School...We're Moving!!!

Back to School

Well, after weeks of praying, phone calls, mountains of paper work, and several money discussions, we have decided that Joseph will be finishing his graduate degree in English at UW-O!

We are so excited for the opportunity for Joseph to finish this program (he is about half way there) and get him onto a career path he feels good about spiritually, financially and creatively. After years of living paycheck to paycheck, we are willing to make that extra commitment to rough it for one more year with the promise of a more financially sound future for our family. As an extra special bonus, this move will allow Joseph to pursue some of his creative dreams, as he has discerned are not just dreams, but a calling.

I personally am very excited about all of this for many reasons:

1. God willing (we REALLY need to unload our lease) we will be moving back to Oshkosh. Joseph and I feel in love and got married in Oshkosh, so I feel the Sprit is truly alive there! It would be my dream to set up camp and stay put. Visions of home ownership and sending our kids to Catholic schools in Oshkosh dance in my head as I drift off every night---but I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself!

2. I have never made it a secret that I really don’t like Milwaukee and do not want to raise our children here. Now, I really don’t have anything against Milwaukee, and I have made some wonderful friends here, I just don’t feel like it is our “home.” I have always lived my life on feeling and intuition, so this nagging feeling that Milwaukee is not where we are going to be has been eating and eating at me. I did enjoy my time here and the company we kept here. I have every intension of not only keeping these relationships, but nourishing them. I’m even hoping to continue coming down to our mom’s/play group once a month.

3. The man I feel in love with 4 years ago while in gradate school at Oshkosh was full of ideas and dreams. He thrived on brainstorming sessions and possibility. As life has handed us some challenging times, I saw this part of him slowly whither away. I’m so happy God has helped him see that this part of him does not have to change just because he is a husband and father. Seeing the glimmer back in his eye has been heaven to witness!



As for work, I will continue on with my jobs (working from home is amazing in this type of situation) and Joseph will be staying on as a consultant with the AOP, something he can do at home. He will also have an assistantship at the University.

Please pray for our family during this stressful and exciting time! We are trying to orchestrate the perfect storm here, as many things need to fall into place for this to happen. Because we do budget out almost everything that comes in, there is little room for “moving extras.” However, enough things have come together that I thought it was time to share this prayer with our friends and the blogging world.

Before we can make the big move:
Joseph has to “pass” his heart appointments next week.
We must find someone to take over our lease.
We have to find somewhere to live and secure the money to do so.

Please keep us in your prayers!!

Hunkering Down in the Discernment Zone

Hunkering Down in the Discernment Zone

Although things have been quite here at Falling Upward, things in our home have been anything but. In times like these, I tend to allow stress and uncertainty into the drivers seat of my mind. However, I am learning to “let go and let God” as the saying of the faithful goes.

We are discerning some big changes for our lives and I am hoping to announce them soon, very soon. We tend to get overzealous at times, so we have come to the conclusion that we need to hold some things in prayer for a short while, until we are confident we have examined God’s will for our family. It’s an exciting time filled with hope, dreaming and the promise of a bit clearer of a path for the Rutchik family. The prospect of this is a big one as in our two, almost three, years of marriage, “settling down” has not been something we have learned to master!

In all the commotion and preparations for a life change, a few of my favorite things have fallen, temporarily, to the weigh side. Taking the time to blog my thoughts and prayers has been truly missed and I am sad it has been forced to take a back seat, just for a while. I’m hoping life will be on track and ready to go in about a week. Until then, here are some pictures of this past week.






My MIL and SIL took us to Chuck E Cheese this weekend. It was a great break, and fun for Tessa too!

These are some shots we took to celebrate the fact that we have made it 6 months as parents of "Irsih Twins." Tessa 18 months, Anna 6 months.

The Address of Sanity

So, I had a panic attack this week. I never really knew what panic attack was until I was weeks away from delivering my first child.

Due to some wacky blood pressure readings, I had to go into my doctor’s office twice a week and have the baby monitored. It always put me into a foul mood. I hated being hooked up to those sensors and, in my opinion, they don’t even work. The baby’s heartbeat was constantly being lost and then some crabby nurse would come in and force me to lay in an extremely uncomfortable and impossible position, instructing my 9 month pregnant self, “not to move.” Seriously, it was torture. Of course, in the end, it was worth every agonizing minute, but still.

One day, while eating my ice and watching the monitor spit out the papers of my baby’s heartbeat, I was thinking about starting a baby scrapbook. I would start with my first ultrasound, maybe some pictures of myself growing over the summer months, and BAMMM! I started feeling like someone had shut me into a box. I couldn’t breathe, my head felt full of pressure and I thought I was going to pass out. I thought, for sure, that something had happened and I was going to die. It was then my mommy instinct kicked in. If I was going to die, the last thing I better do is get some help so they can save the baby. Joseph can handle being a single dad….

Because I was in a back room, I decided I better yell for help. I tried to shout, and could not find the breath, or the voice to do so. I yelled and yelled, like one does under water or in a bad dream, and was amazed there was no sounds escaping me. Finally, I got out a meek, “help, I think I need help” and was able to pound on the door to get the attention of a medical tech who was passing. Just as she entered the room, I collapsed into her. She called for doctors and suddenly there were people all around me.

The remainder of that day is a blur of embarrassment. At the time, we only had one car. I had to call my husband at work and have him ask his boss to drive him to the hospital as I was not allowed to drive until it was determined what had happened to me. My OBGYN was called in, the baby was checked, and I was sent to a neurologist for a consultation and a CAT scan. In the end, the neurologist diagnosed me as having had a severe panic attack. I tried to telling the doctors this could not be it – I was thinking about scrap booking for crying out loud! Who has a panic attack over that? They told me it really sounded like a severe panic attack and that maybe some part of me was really getting nervous for the birth and becoming a parent and the whole lot. I still question, but haven’t really needed to think about it too much (well, except when I write the check every month for the treatment I’m still paying off) until I was reminded of this incident this past weekend.

Sunday after Mass, I received a work e-mail informing me some pictures I was counting on could not be found. It really was no big deal to me, I half expected it and had already created a plan B for going out and taking the pictures myself. I charged up my camera, put the gals down for a nap and headed out to a semi-local suburb to take some pictures of the community.
The drive was rather enjoyable. The location is about 40 minutes (that is how you measure distance in Wisconsin, in minutes or hours) away and I was enjoying the alone time and singing along with a CD I had brought. I do remember I was sitting in an odd position as I was trying to hide my rather pale and pasty self from the hot sun.

After the first hour of scouting out the town, I decided I better get going and actually take these photos and get on with it. I parked my mini-van between two BMWs and set out on foot through the town square shopping center. I got most of the shoots I needed of the building and general “American-ness” of the people milling about on the weekend. However, I started to feel strange. I was clearly an observer in this summer-scene snow globe. People were shopping, kids were running, parents were loading their expensive trucks with groceries and so on. I was there with a camera to capture it, not experience it. It is amazing how different things look through the lens of a camera.

I started to feel some of those same feelings I had on the day of, “the- day –I- will- refer to- as- the- incident- even- though- the- doctors- insist- it- was- a- panic- attack- I- am- not- buying- it.” It was, by no means, anywhere near the same experience I had in that doctor’s office a year and a half ago – but I could recognize some similarities. I didn’t know what was happening then, but this time I knew exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking, this is NOT me. This is not what I want for my life and for the lives of my children. We are not fancy pants suburb type people. We are those annoying people who really do sit around talking about books and foreign films while wearing black and looking into alternative education for our children. The quant little town center I had thought was cute a minute ago suddenly became a prison cell and I wanted out as fast as I could! The sky seemed clearer and bluer here, all the cars looked the same, all the people looked the same!

Now, I have nothing against suburbs. I like most of the benefits they offer to families. Good schools and Churches, safety and a sense of community are all wonderful things I want for our family. However, I think I may need to find these things in a smaller or more artistic town, rather than a super fancy pants suburban community. Just a personal preference, but one I feel strongly about - apparently, more strongly than I knew!

Since we moved to Milwaukee two years ago, I have been complaining to my husband, “I hate it here and I will not raise our kids here.” My thinking was that it is the most expensive city in Wisconsin to have a family and the only way to stay in a safe, family friendly area and send our kids to good schools, would be to move to the suburbs and we could never afford that, so what in God’s name are we living here for? His answer always has something to do with the fact that, “this horrible place” is where his job is. He is also from this part of the state and although it would not be his first choice in a location, he doesn’t mind it nearly as much as I do.

Now, I do technically live in a suburb, but we don’t own our place of residents, so in my mind it doesn’t count. I feel like I went out to the land of Stepford and it literally spit me back out! That’s ok, I didn’t want to be swallowed up by it anyway.

Too “Busy” For Joy? Not In Our Home!

How many times have we heard, “We’re too busy” in response to a question involving something “fun?” I’ve heard it often form others, and on occasion, as it escapes my own lips. It saddens me how “busy” we are has almost become a mark of social distinction. When did it become fashionable to be so overbooked, stressed out and sleep deprived?

Do our children really need to be shuffled here and there, to activity after activity until they don’t even know how to enjoy down time? What does this way of life do to the development of their little souls? I don’t have children old enough to be involved in activities and sports - yet. I hear so much about this way of life from other mom’s, I can’t help but wonder how I will deal with it when my time comes.

My husband and I worry that too many choices can be oppressing. If one is so busy doing a million different things, how can they really discern and develop the gifts God has given them? As parents, would it be horrible of us to allow our children to try many different things, and then pull them out of the things they aren’t gifted in? This is by no means a criticism of mothers who try to do it all. We all do the very best we can, and that means different things for different families.

Unfortunately, this over booked way of life is tempting to those living the vocation of motherhood. Of course there is always something to be cleaned, made, fixed, organized or packed. It’s the nature of running a living household blessed with little souls. It’s not uncommon to hear women singing the praises of another mother and using phrasing like, “she never sits down, she’s always doing something!” “I WISH I could get as much done as her!” What concerns me is not the state of the bathrooms in the homes of these woman, (as I am sure they are immaculate and ready for unexpected company) but the spiritual lives of the women who are raising our future Church. Time for contemplation and the ability to do so is a skill that improves over time. Time, that one little word defines so much of our lives.

Why are we creating all this busyness? Isn’t the point of working, cleaning, making meals in the kitchen and doing the laundry all in order to have our needs met so we can be able to……..to what? I want to fill in that blank with JOY! We are so busy doing all of these things in life so that we can get them done and enjoy….life! Our blessings and lessons can be found in the work, and the play that NEEDS to follow.

I’ve been praying to find the joy in the things that stress me out. Since I am a firm believer in full disclosure for the sake of relating, here goes:

This week I have a full plate of things to do for work. Although I actually really enjoy my job, there is one aspect of it that makes me uncomfortable. After I write articles on people, I have to give them a title to go on the cover of the newsletter. Generally, these titles need to be really friendly and inviting. Since I’m a bit of a sarcastic person, I call it “campy,” or “hokey.” I’m just not in tune with “happy, happy” things. I have no gage for knowing if something is good or lame, because I think everything is lame.

For this reason, my husband has a love/hate relationship with watching TV commercials with me. ‘DUMB,” “LAME,” and, “PaaaaLEASE!” are words often shouted off the couch - where I sit in my creatively elitist perch. So, in order for me to allow myself to write these types of things on paper without cringing, I enlist the help of my husband each month. Unfortunately, he thinks everything is lame too, so it has become a really fun game for us. This is where JOY entered our incredibly busy weekend. Yes, we would both have rather been sleeping at 1am last night as I was still working. But, instead of me complaining because I have so much to do, or my husband whining about having to take care of the baby so I could get my work done, we played “name that article,” and laughed. God, how we laughed! After going waaaaay too far into cornyville and giggling about what people would think, we chose:

“Does Your Lawn Need a Check Up? Matt’s On Call!”

For an article about a college kid who does landscaping in order to pay for his dream of going to medical school. Get it? I know, we think we're super clever. I actually still think it’s lame, but my husband assured me it’s, “the right amount of lame.” It was a blessing to share this time together. Looking back, we would have missed it if I would not have been working. And, we found the joy in the situation while our living room looked like this:


I know, it’s bad, you can judge if you want, but we’ve got joy in our hearts over here!


Because I knew my husband would be dog tired today from our late night last night, and because I am slightly too tired to chase around my 18 month old, I decided to pack it up and bring joy to daddy’s office this morning. I put the girls in the van, hit the drive through for a dollar large pop to help my hubby get through the day, and surprised Joseph at work! He was thrilled to see us- and thankful for the gift of caffeine! Another joyful moment derived from what we could have decided was a stressful situation.

I pray for the ability to turn all of my stress over to God, leaving more room for Joy to move on in! I pray for joy in your lives as well.

Daddy, at work, with his baby girls. Who won't leave the house a mess in order to surprise their hubby and put this look on his face!

The Joys of Family Life

The Joys of Family Life

This week in book club, the focus of the week was joy. How we fulfill the vocation of wife and mother by creating, encouraging and accepting joy into our homes sounds simple enough. But, first I’ll load the dishwasher, change the baby, pay the bills, and get dinner going. Before this mama knows it, bedtime routine begins and joy gets pushed off until tomorrow.

I’ve always been, for the most part, a very joyous person. “Bubbly” was the word teachers used to describe me in parent-teacher conferences when I was young. Although I’m sure this was a nice way of telling my parents I may talk too much, I’ve always taken it as a compliment. I fell blessed to be able to find the joy in difficult and stressful situations. Being able to see the value of suffering has been a true blessing in my life. This clearly does not make me some contemplative, spiritual guru—no, not by any means. Just as any other spiritual gift given, I often fall short on my use of it. My husband and I have even discussed our fear that we only know how to develop ourselves spiritually, as individuals and as a couple, in times of crisis. And, in our short marriage we have had our fair share of times of crisis. Thankfully, we have grown tremendously as man and wife- and as Catholics- during these times. We’ve grown so accustomed to this way of life, we’ve almost become too comfortable with the cross we carry.

A family can’t live in emergency mode forever. People dealing with illness who insist on keeping their everyday lives in tack always amaze me. I’ve often heard about people who don’t want to die in a hospital, they want to go home and be present in their everyday lives, even as they die. As hospice sets up camp in the home, people still go to school, go to work, laugh, play games and watch TV.

I’m searching for that everyday joy. We finally feel as though we have a grasp on some sort of “normal” for our family. Our prayer is that we can learn how to accept it, and find joy and spiritual renewal in the everyday happenings of our home. We truly want to make this our domestic Church. Maybe, it will begin with joy!

It sounds so dramatic to me, to have to work on joy. Earlier this week, as I discussed joy with the wonderfully faith-filled women in book club, it was quoted that if you do not teach your children to find joy with you in your home, they will go out into the world looking for it elsewhere. This thought sent shivers down my spine. People do horribly damaging things to themselves and others- all in the efforts of filling the hole in their lives they don’t recognize as longing for God. This is not what I want for my children. I don’t want them to yearn for joy, I want them to live in the Lord! I want simple, everyday, joys to be enough for them because they know they will find the ultimate joy when they return home to us in this life, and home to God in the end.

Our hearts long for peace. Ultimately, we find that in God’s Kingdom after our earthy lives are finished. But, until then, we yearn to be close to Him. This is why we love, we dream, we work. There is joy in the everyday tasks of living. The mere possibility of knowing and understanding, just for a moment, what its all about. These moments are found in the smiling faces of our children, squeaky clean, or muddy messes, that is where the joy lies. Just to get through the tasks of everyday life I struggle with, I often need to remember our holy family. There have been times when cleaning the kitchen seemed so dooming I couldn’t even get myself to do it after telling myself, “I’m doing this for my husband, I’m doing this for my kids.” Nope, on a few occasions, I’ve cleaned the kitchen only because Mary did it for the baby Jesus and so I can do it for him too!

I pray I will become better at weaving the little joys into our lives. I vow to play in the grass (sans shoes, my favorite way!) even when the house is a mess. I want to be able to see myself through the eyes of my children and not be ashamed. I want them to remember mama’s smiles, not a twisted face of worry and stress. Tessa inadvertently showed me this face, through her eyes, this week after she got a hold of my camera and took a picture as I was yelling, “no, no, no!” It is certainly not what I had expected. But, in an effort to find the joy in it, I will share it here:



Attractive aren't I? Yeah, that's what I thought! With this lovely face I announce to you that starting today, it is Joy Week here at Falling Upward! I encourage you to reflect upon and pray for joy in the everyday lives of you and your family. I also invite you to post your own blog or share some of them here at FALLING UPWARD. Make sure to link back here to Joy Week, as joy is something to be shared--or so some Christmas songs will tell us......

The Simple Woman's Day Book May 18th, 2009

The Simple Woman’s Daybook May 18th 2009

Outside My Window ...
It looks like summer, but it is still cold. It is such a tease to think I can open my door and get summer and then be hit with COLD air. Ugg. But, I do see a daddy and his little ones (ok, so they are my friends and one of the little ones is my adorable godson) playing football in the yard.

I am listening to...
Tessa trying to sit in the bumbo with Anna. Giggles now, tears soon.

To Live the Liturgy…
St. Anne has been close to my heart lately. I think it is because I’m feeling as if I am falling a bit short in every mommy and wife duty I have.

To be Fit and Happy….
Ok, so if I say it (or type it) out loud, it means I have to do it right? I THINK I am going to try and give up Coke. But, before I do, I would like to justify my addiction to you, if you will humor me for a moment. I do not like coffee. I need the caffeine. Before I became a mama, I had a healthy relationship with pop (or what some of you non-Wisconsin ladies would call soda.) When I became pregnant, I switched from diet to regular pop. I don’t know why, it is what I craved. Unfortunately, the craving has not left me and I am now seriously addicted. So, I am going to try. But, please don’t hold me accountable or anything responsible and helpful, I may bite your head off. Just a disclaimer.

I am thankful for ...
Being home with my family and back into our everyday “normal” routine after 12 days, yes, I said 12 days, away from home. Praise the Lord!

From the kitchen ...
I think it is going to be “clean the refrigerator out week. Just a thought. But, then I would have to wipe it down…hmmmm…I may reconsider!

I am wearing ...
Black yoga pants—my uniform for life!

I am creating ...
My life in written form; for my sanity, my dreams, and my children to enjoy someday!

On my iPod…
Kelly Clarkson!

Towards a real education ...
Books, books, books around here. Not only am I trying to read as much as Tessa wants me too, (because I love books and because I would feel like a bad mommy if I said no to a book) But I am also trying to allow myself more personal reading time.

Bringing beauty to my home ...
Open windows and growing plants put a little spring in everyone’s step around here.

I am reading …

Revolutionary Road

I am hoping and praying….
For God’s will in our lives—and a very special intention for our family. Please don’t ask, because then I have to think of a polite way to tell you we’re not telling!

Around the house ...
It’s a mess and I don’t care that much! I know this is something I should have learned by now—but there are just going to be toys about all the time, I am just now accepting that.

One of my favorite things ...
The smell of my family. It sounds nuts, but I swear I can smell a bit of my husband when I hold my little ones close and take in a big whiff of cuddle time. Ohhh, I love smells; well, pleasant ones anyways.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week:
I have a lot of work to do this week, and a lot of walks to take with my ladies.

Picture Thought……

Tessa and I greeting all the things that are growing. What a lovely image right? Yeah, it was a flower, she tried to eat it!

Mommy Time!

Remember that person you were, years ago? Before the Catholic knight in shinning armor, and before your union was blessed by the little miracles with tiny feet and full diapers? I hope you remember, because I had briefly forgotten. That person was young, hopeful, slightly misguided, and full of dreams too numerous to fill the many years she prayed would come.
This weekend, I have been reminded that although that young college girl made some mistakes and had no idea what to base her life on—she was always a special piece of God’s love! That’s right, it’s college gal pal reunion weekend! No husbands, no children, just old friends and new fun times!

We came with high hopes. Catching the train into Chicago and spending the day at Navy Pier, followed by some shopping on Michigan Avenue, was the name of the pipe dream. After an hour of going the wrong way, singing and laughing, we arrived at the train station just in time to watch the train roll on by us. We laughed like school girls and, although our post baby bellies may have jiggled a bit more than they did when we shared our laughs in dorm rooms, it felt oh so good!
We decided the truth of the matter was that we all just needed some time together and a little break from the everyday tasks of taking care of those we love—so we could remember why we love them so very much. This took about 10 minutes for me. I think God made mommies this way to help remind us to see His face, along with ours, in the eyes and messy faces of our little ones.

We split our time between the mall and the hotel hot-tub. I ever bought a few things for myself! My two VERY generous friends got sick of watching be struggle with spending money on myself to get a pedicure and decided to treat to me. Oh how thankful I am for great friends who remind me I need a little pampering now and then, and then letting me keep my mommy neurosis—and get my toes done as well!



Our toes! I had a hard time letting someone pamper me--but I thought if I spent some of my pampering time praying for the person doing the pampering--then it was ok!


I’m truly thankful I’m not the young gal I was in college. I’m also thankful to be blessed with these woman who still enjoy me, even though I’ve changed so much. I still enjoy them as well. We don’t believe in the same things, live our lives the same way, or always understand the decisions made by each individual, but we were given to each other long ago—when we really needed one another, and in a way, we still need each other today. We challenge each other, laugh together and never judge one another when a zipper doesn’t zip—we just head off to grab the next size up, handing it over without actually saying the number out loud. What more can you really ask for in a friendship? As we wind down tonight, one hand on the wine cooler and the other on the laptop, I feel so blessed to have shared this time with these beautiful woman, and so blessed to be able to wake up in the morning and return to my amazing family, and go to Mass together as a family. God bless the evening Mass!!



One of the faces I'm missing this weekend! Anna Clare 5 months (this was taken the day I left)

Celebrate the woman in your life today! The ones we share our faith with, the ones we laugh with and the ones who help us grow into better woman! I'll be sure to say a special prayer of thanksgiving, asking the ultimate mother to join with me, at Mass this week! God bless you all, and thank YOU for being in my life!