Thursday, December 31, 2009

Daybook New Year's Eve Edition

Daybook – New Year’s Eve 2009 Edition

Outside My Window ...
The weather is falling into deep winter. The days are short, dark and very cold.
I am listening to...
Joseph trying to settle Anna down. She is crying because he just gave her some medicine. Along with the New Year will come a few more teeth for Miss Anna Clare – and she isn’t handling it very well.
To Live the Liturgy…
We’re still experiencing Advent in our hearts over here, and we’re ok with that. The journey to God’s will for our family has been revealing itself – slowly.

To be Fit and Happy….

We’re joining the YMCA! I’m really excited about it. The price is steep, but we are using the money we were spending on formula to now pay for the YMCA, so I think it’s a great move for us. I can’t wait to get into the pool, and to give Joseph the time to jump back in himself. A good swim does so much for my hubby.
I am thankful for ...
My wonderful family and friends, who have been so supportive this Christmas season as we mourn the loss of our third child to miscarriage. I am also thankful for the gift of Emanuel Elizabeth (our baby) and what the creation on this little soul has already done for our faith and our family. The gift of this baby has been great, and I know more will be revealed to us over time – but for now, we are thankful and heartbroken.
From the kitchen ...
Tonight we decided to stay in and just enjoy time at home with each other. I made a few lasagnas to take to my in-laws this weekend and we used the leftover sauce for a spaghetti dinner! Dinner was so nice, and so very messy (Anna is learning to use a fork on her own). We had to move right from the dinner table to the bathtub because the gals were such a mess. Joseph got the video camera out and documented Tessa singing all the Christmas songs she learned this year while Anna shoveled noodles into her mouth, and hair and the floor…..
After baths we decided to make some treats to take along to grandma’s and so the evening was spent making rice crispy treats and cupcakes. Tessa wants to be part of every step of the process of creating and cleaning in the kitchen while Anna will join in and then end up in the corner by herself with a book. I love how these gals are night and day from each other and am so honored to be given their little souls to tend to. I am so thankful that they are so different from each other because I find it helps be grow as a mother. I enjoy letting Anna go off by herself, if that is what she needs, and I enjoy watching Tessa take over the baking projects in the kitchen and wanting to do everything perfectly. I am sure grandma and auntie Karyi will love the treats, even if licked fingers were used in their preparation and they look a little……like a 2 year old was in charge!
I am wearing ...
Jeans and my Viterbo University T-shirt. My hair is in a pony tail and I am once again getting the itch to do something that says something other than, “I’m a 12 year old girl" with it. The problem – how do you have a stylish cut and color without having to pay all the money to maintain it?
I am creating ...
Writing projects. I experienced the ever feared, ever dreaded computer crash and now am typing away on a brand new laptop! The new purchase has me wanting to be writing, writing, writing. I know the real reason has more to do with me retreating from the world to deal with my miscarriage, but whatever the reason, I am enjoying this time.
On my iPod.....
Not a thing. I’m thinking of creating a new work out mix for my time on the elliptical – but we’ll see if I get to it.
Towards a real education ...
It is words, words, words over here! Tessa’s vocabulary has exploded and I can’t believe the complex sentences she puts together.

It’s hard to believe that a little more than a month ago, we were becoming very worried about Anna Clare’s speech development. She has grown by leaps and bounds in the past month and now has about 12 words. She is such a blessing to me, and reminds me daily that she is who God made her to be and will get where she’s going in her own good time.
Bringing beauty to my home ...
We’re learning to laugh more and yell a bit less around here. It’s been so, so very good!
I am reading ...
Over the holiday season I read Gone With the Wind and I loved every 1000 pages of it.
Last night we were blessed by a phone call from a new friend who is in town spending some time with a family we know (pray for a developing relationship!). She had no plans for the night and was wondering if she could come over and babysit our kids! Ummmm…YES! Come on over!

Joseph and I took the time alone together to spend some time at Barnes and Noble and I now have more writing magazines sitting on my desk, waiting for me

I am hoping and praying….

For so many things, the load is a bit heavy – but that is why we hope and pray! At the forefront, in the next couple of weeks we have some follow up appointments to ensure everything associated with Joseph’s surgery this past summer is working as it should. We are praying his body reacted well. Please hold our family in prayer.
Around the house ...
There are toys….everywhere! Joseph and I can’t take it anymore and have decided to purge! We just have too much stuff, and it is cluttering up our small living space and our hearts and minds. I want it gone. We are seriously talking about setting a goal of removing one third of the things in this home.
One of my favorite things ...
My family. I’ve just been enjoying being the four of us this week - and having our fifth member watching over us. I couldn’t ask for a better family, and pray we can always be as close are we are right at this moment.
A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week:
We are heading to Kenosha to celebrate Christmas and the New Year with Joseph’s family in the morning. We are looking forward to our time with them AND they are always so great about letting us get out by ourselves while we are in town. I am planning on taking full advantage of that and think we may try to get out and see the move The Blind Side.
Picture Thoughts
Here are some images of a New Year’s Eve family moment in the kitchen. Happy New Year!
We are so happy to be turning the page on this year, and pray we will continue to be blessed in 2010.

My loves in the kitchen

Tessa wants to do things all by herself - and I don't want to stop her, I so enjoy nurturing this part of her.........even if I have a hard time with tons of sprinkles on one side!

I thought I would share an out take from our family Christmas picture photo session. I LOVE this so, so much and hope you enjoy it as well.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Pregnancy Purgatory

Pregnancy Purgatory

I call myself a trained extrovert. I am, by nature, a sensitive and private person. Often when my face laughs and my voice is jubilant and boisterous, my heart cries. I know I’m overly sensitive and this year, I have come to learn that my two greatest gifts, motherhood and the written word, are helping me to deal with my temperament. I actually enjoy the temperament God gave me, although I struggle with people in my life who don’t believe or accept my temperament.

With every temperament comes shortcomings and I am very aware of mine. I greatly enjoy motherhood and want nothing more out of life then to kiss boo boos and share smiles with my girls. However, mommy life has forced me out of my comfort zone in many ways. My greatest struggle has been the hours of this vocation. Being a mommy is a 24 hours a day calling. This is hard for me, because I require alone time, wind down time, reflection time, private time……TIME. I am in need of a lot of time. Processors need time.

When you’re a mommy to young ones, that’s not an option. I’ve tried rationalizing mommy’s needs for space and a few moments without any touching to a two year old, it doesn’t work! So, for me, sacrificing time is my act of love. I must try to let go of the selfish need for self reflection and deep prayer, reading, and thought for the sake of my family. And, that’s ok - or so I’m learning.

I was reminded this week that although my time to reflect and pray has been sacrificed and sparse, this doesn’t mean my gift of intuition has gone absent.

With my previous pregnancies, I was sick as a dog. All day, all night, all nine months – SICK. The whole thing was very hard on me emotionally and to be honest, physically. This pregnancy - - nothing. I feel fine. I eat when I want to eat and aside from feeling tired, I hardly know I’m pregnant.

After explaining away the possibilities and friends and family members telling me I may be feeling ok because this one is a boy, I decided I still didn’t feel right about this and got myself to the doctor.

At seven weeks I had a scan and a four week old baby was found. For four weeks, the development looks good, but that puts my dates off by almost a month. I was given a due date and some simple math showed me that according to this scan, my date of conception was a week after I got a positive pregnancy test. The doctor told me he was 50/50 on if I was just that off on dates and the baby is fine or if the baby stopped growing at 4 and a half weeks and my body has yet to miscarry. The only answer is time. So, I wait two weeks. I wait until I bleed, or I wait for an ultrasound that will either show me a missed miscarriage and the need for some medical intervention, or it will show me a beautiful little heart beating away. So here I sit, in pregnancy purgatory.

In these two weeks of waiting, there are many, many things going on in my life. My husband Joseph and I have a non-refundable vacation booked to Las Vegas to celebrate getting through a very stressful year (yeah, I know- ironic..), I will turn 29, and of course, there is Christmas.

So, here I am, motherhood has once again thrown me into a situation where being an introvert is not an option. In these two weeks I will see many friends and relatives, most of whom have already heard the news of my pregnancy. My first instinct is of course to crawl in a hole and hole and hide out, not speaking to anyone for the next two weeks until I have something to tell people. I’m actually semi-famous for my ability to do this and have often fielded phone calls from friends pleading with me to stop “falling off the face of the earth.” But, this time of year does not allow this type of reaction to life. Once again, motherhood throws me out of my comfort zone and smacks me in the face with all things scary and humbling.

Although it may seem too personal to put on a blog, I’m trying to grow as a person, so bear (and pray) with me. Also, as any introvert can tell you, we have tactics to avoid uncomfortable situations. I’m not so secretly hoping folks will read this and learn of what we are going through, so I can avoid questions about the pregnancy over the holidays.

Joseph and I whole heartedly believe every conceived child has a precious little soul, and that doesn’t change if the child is born into heaven or into our arms. Either way, this baby has been born into our family. For that reason, I welcome talk of the baby from anyone. I’m just hoping to not have to explain my place of unknowing over and over and over again!

I’ve been through my angry stage of yelling and asking God why in the world He would give this family yet another struggle when we have been through so, so very much. I’ve told a few people that I feel like I am constantly playing dodge ball! But, I’ve now moved on and feel quite peaceful. I have no choice. What will be will be, and I have no control over what that is. Once you realize you have no control, it is actually a really freeing and liberating thing, and I feel blessed to experience it. Plus, I follow in the footsteps of great women who have waited on the fate of their baby. It truly is advent in our hearts!

Merry Christmas, and please pray we are able to enjoy our much needed time together of this “vacation”!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Visiting Santa

Today was the annual Rutchik gals baking and shopping day. It is a wonderful holiday tradition where my in-laws come over and we bake my husband's favorite Christmas treats from when he was young - toffee squares and peanut blossoms. It is such a blessing to share with my children the treats their daddy loved when he was young, and I know it's a special day for my mother-in-law, to make her son's childhood favorites for his children.

After our baking, we head out to the mall where my MIL treats us to lunch in the food court. We shop, and end the day with a visit to Santa. Here is the story of our visit with Santa, in pictures. I know you will enjoy it.

Anna is placed on Santa's lap and has to do what Anna does best, study the situation.

She decides she is ok, maybe, and gives a leery smile.

Momma tries to add Tessa to Santa's lap. Tessa is NOT having this and screaming, "No, Mama! Oh, no mama! Please NOOOOO!" (the poor gal so upset she's shaking)

Mama decides she cannot force her child to sit on the lap on an unknown man, and tries to bride the child by sitting next to Santa while holding the petrified little gal.

Tessa screams bloody murder while Anna studies the situation.

Anna tries to comfort her sister while Tessa screams, "NO SANTA! Santa, NO! Knock it off, Santa!"
Mama decides she needs to remove her shaking and terrified child form the situation.
On the way out, Tessa stops to pick up her free coloring book, turn to Santa, wave and say, "Bye, bye, Santa."
After all, her mother raised her to have manners!
I think we got the PERFECT Santa pictures, it will show me every Christmas who my beautiful girls were the year they were 2 and 1!
Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

New Worth the Wait

News Worth the Wait

It’s be forever and a half since I’ve blogged. What can I say, life as a work at home mommy with a hubby in school is nuts! On a positive note, when I am absent from my blog, it usually means I am spending my little free time working on a writing project. This is good, as I have shared I really am feeling the call. I’ve been thinking, praying and writing. I’ve been feeling like something big is just around the corner and although I still believe that to be true, my focus has shifted in another direction recently.

It seems I’m getting another call:

I can’t believe it! Well, I can, but still. We were going to wait to announce until twelve weeks, but there was an incident with a vaccination line nurse yelling out my pregnant status while my mother in law stood behind me in line. Yeah, that’s a story for the record books friends, and one I may keep to myself for now as I’m sure it will end up in a book or essay someday.

Because we have moved, I have yet to hear that perfect little heartbeat every newly pregnant mommy prays for. I have just found a new doctor, but have been informed my first appointment (next week) will just be with a nurse. I so despise that initial pregnancy appointment. Yes, I know not to smoke or drink (which I don’t do anyways) and to take my vitamin. This is my third time in as many years, can’t I just see the doctor and get myself a scan so I can see that little heartbeat?

As for how I’m feeling - - great! This is good, but slightly concerning to me. With both my little gals I was sick as a dog from the time I saw 2 lines until the day I delivered! It was miserable, but the ill feeling helped me from gaining much weight, so I consider it a blessing! This go around, I don’t even feel pregnant. So, this is strange territory for me, and I want that scan!

Regardless, there is another soul in our little family and we couldn’t be more blessed. Please pray my fears and anxieties about everything are eased, and that this baby continues to grow.

PS-if you are my Facebook friend, please don’t comment on the pregnancy on Facebook, not many people read my blog and I would like to wait until I hear that heartbeat before the news shows up on my page. Thanks!