Daybook 1/25/10

Outside My Window ...
It’s winter – again/still/always. I’m convinced I suffer from seasonal depression. I’m in serious need of sunlight.

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I am listening to...
The ticking of the clock. The gals are asleep, and I should be working.

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To Live the Liturgy…
It looks like we may be joining a parish we would have NEVER seen ourselves joining. We’ve been praying about where our family should be, and think we have an unexpected answer.

To be Fit and Happy….
I’ve got my routine at the YMCA down pretty well! 2 miles on the treadmill and then a half mile in the pool. I’m actually really enjoying it, in part because the additional work out time leads to more music listening time – and I love music. My only fear is that the whole process takes about 2 hours. From the time I start packing the gym bag to the time I return home, it’s about 2 hours. The actual workouts themselves don’t take nearly as long, but when you add in the shower and the travel time – I can’t get it below 2 hours and I really, really don’t have 2 hours. Ideas?
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I am thankful for ...
Some down time. I don’t actually have anymore time in a day, but I have let to house work go go go go go go! It does really bother me that one could muster together a good size snack from what can be found on the kitchen floor and the gals have taken to finding every shoe in the house and hiding them – but I just can’t keep up. So, I’ve decided to just let it go and trade that time for fun playtime with the girls – something that has been lacking and I have been feeling a lot of guilt over. It’s been so nice to spend some time with them.

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From the kitchen ...
We’re waiting on payday over here. So, it has been my job to keep creative in the kitchen as to not spend money on anything other than bread and milk. It’s been kind of fun, but I am starting to dream about a trip to the grocery store and all the wonderful things I would rather be making. Because we have been eating healthier, our grocery bill has gone up – a downfall to this whole fitness thing, and one I don’t know how I’ll maintain without redoing the whole budget.
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I am wearing ...
A pro-life T-shirt and cotton capri pants. I should get dressed, really I should. But, I just can’t bring myself to do it when I don’t feel well, and I don’t feel too well.
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I am creating ...
Essays, essays, essays. Yup, that’s right, I’m back on a writing kick. I’ve been up until 3 or 4 every night this week – and that’s how I like it.
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On my iPod
The only music I have. I lost my I-Tunes account in the death of my old computer. I don’t even know my user name or password for I-Tunes, so I fear everything except for what is on my Shuffle is lost. If anyone knows how to help, please fill be in!

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Towards a real education ...
Tessa is working on her colors and Anna Clare is working on using words instead of having an emotional breakdown. Neither one is really going all that well.

As for myself, I’ve been reading a lot of writing craft books.

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Bringing beauty to my home ...
We’re still laughing over here. I am so longing for a home of my own. I hate white walls so much and just want to create a space for my family with no restrictions. With rounds of genetic testing and more medical bills piling in, I don’t see the day of homeownership coming anytime – ever. So, I need to learn some new ways to make myself, and my family feel at home. We’ve been here 4 months and Tessa keeps asking to go home. When we’re away and say it’s time to go home, she gets really excited, until we pull in here. Then she starts screaming and crying and saying she wants to go home. I don’t know what to tell her. I wonder how long this will last.

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I am reading ...
A few books of essays and The Hour I First Believed.

I am hoping and praying….
For the genetic tests we’ve got sent off. We should hear at any time now and if we don’t hear anything today, Joseph will call in the morning. It could go so many ways, and cost sooo very much. I’m praying for simple answers on both fronts.
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Around the house ...
A writing space for me has been created! I’m so happy. Space is limited, so a nock of my own feels like heaven!

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One of my favorite things ...
Giggles. We have lots of giggles around here these days. Tessa and Anna are really learning to play well together. Even when they fight, Joseph and I have to hide our laughter because it is too, too cute.
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A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week:
Work. Joseph and I both have so much work to do this week. We are tag teaming everything from who is in charge of the girls to who gets to be sleeping. I’m really stressed and so is he. But, I’m hoping to get away and take the gals to the pool at the YMCA one afternoon this week. They have a slide!
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Picture Thoughts

I recently had the misfortune of learning one M&M has 5 calories and so, I’ve been spreading the bad news. It’s all I can do to keep myself from eating them because once you know something is super bad for you = you crave it like CRAZY. And, by using the word “you” I clearly mean “me”! This picture was taken over Christmas, when Joseph and I visited M&M world in Las Vegas – before I knew what I know now. Happy snacking!

An Earthy Home for Emanuel Elizabeth

On Friday we went to my hometown to bury our baby, Emanuel Elizabeth, in the cemetery plots where my grandpa is buried, and where my grandma and dad will one day rest.

I love my hometown. It’s small, mostly friendly and people wave when you drive by – even if they don’t know you.

Whenever our minivan pulls into small town for a family visit, I feel a certain nostalgia. It’s so strong, I can smell it. I wouldn’t give up having growing up in said small town for anything.

This town is so small I don’t think I could ever be an adult living there. It’s a place to be a kid, and I don’t see it allowing me t o ever grow up. That’s how I like it. For this reason, I don’t think I’ll ever live there again – but I’ll always call it home.

And now, so will Emanuel Elizabeth. Of course, his/her home is with God. But small town will be our baby’s earthly place. This makes me very happy.

The reality of the day, and the whole event didn’t hit me until we pulled in to park at the cemetery. Small town currently has inches of winter snow on the ground. Paths needed to be plowed, headstones needed to be uncovered, and ground needed to be warmed in order for Emanuel Elizabeth to be buried.

And, it was the site of these preparations that made me realize what we were doing. One doesn’t undo what nature has done, defying the seasons, unless it’s of dire importance. So, the path was cleared and the baby’s mark in the snow seemed so much clearer than his/her mark on me. The mound of snow sitting behind the burial spot taunted me with its large scale. I heard its screams loud and clear and think it’s about time they turn into my own – but I’m not there, yet.

The rest of the details and emotions of the day we’ll keep to ourselves, for now.